Just..looking for something to hang on to.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by void2012, Aug 16, 2012.

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  1. void2012

    void2012 New Member

    Hi. I'm new and just googled for somewhere I could ..I don't know..open up I guess.
    I can't say anything to anyone I know as I have children and everyone would panic and it would hit the fan.
    I'm on anti-depressants, have been for a couple of years now..sole parenting 7 children and have been fighting the urge to disappear for some months now.
    I've not left as the pain would be unbearable.
    Tonight is the first time in my life I considered suicide.
    I have been looking up what it would take..how much alcohol with my meds..I don't know.
    Deep down I feel it still hurts too much, surely I wouldn't do it. But I'm unsure. I feel I am losing my grip on the fight to hold on.
    I dont want to call lifeline or whatever. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to sleep.
    I don't really know why I'm writing this here. I guess I just needed to say it out loud somewhere. Give what i feel a voice.
    Thanks for the opportunity.
  2. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    I know you said you are raising your kids alone, 7 of them too! But is there some family who could take them for a while? Maybe split them up?

    It sounds like you might really need to get yourself into some kind of therapy program, maybe an extensive one to really tackle and challenge these thoughts. I am not certain you can do that while also having the task of 7 different children, all at different ages and stages in their life too. Is there any way to give yourself that kind of break? There has got to be some kind of way to do this...

    Also, don't be doing this to your children with the drinking and meds; even on small scales, the last thing a child needs is for a zoned out parent, or a parent who basically is passing out, or who is getting sick often, at their own hand. A child may then take on the parenting role, and try to fix you; but it's a very hard thing to do to your children.

    I am sure that I am not alone here in saying it's a very good thing that you are considering your children in this, and that they are on a level preventing a suicide here; but at the same time you absolutely need to get taken care of yourself.

    You said you don't want to talk to a lifeline, that you don't want to talk to anyone... but you needed to give it a voice. What about journalling? How about group therapies?

    These are such different experiences that don't ask you to really "talk to someone", but may ask you to learn, to listen, to participate, to get better.... to self heal, to learn about yourself etc...

    You absolutely owe it to yourself to at least give that a try. I can imagine there are many things in your life just tugging at you right now, pulling from every direction, I know there is only so much you can do. You may have to sacrifice a few things for now, then to get yourself better... and then when you are well again, you can earn the sacrifices back.

    You did mention that you couldn't say anything to anyone; what if you just asked those group of people that you fit into "anyone", to help you out for a period of time, with the children, to give you that space you need to get yourself looked after?

    People sometimes are more understanding than you think. 7 Kids, raising them alone... it's not so hard to imagine how difficult and rough that must be, how time consuming etc... Anyone can understand that.

    :hug: for you. Hang in there. If you need to, talk more about what is causing the depression here... you said it needs perhaps a voice or a place to be acknowledged. I'd love to hear about it in another thread, if you feel like you can open up again some time. I'll be waiting.

  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so glad you posted...if you live in the US (which is what I am familiar with) can you get respite care to assist you and give you some relief? I am sure you have very little free time to go to services, but have you considered home care services (again, in US)...many States have preventative care through social services to assure that the children are safe and well cared for...I am quite familiar with services in the US so if I can help you access any services, please PM me or if you just want to rant, my PM box is always open...caring for 7 children is a remarkable accomplishment and I am sure even the best of mothers would be beyond their limit...welcome and please continue to post
  4. void2012

    void2012 New Member

    Samara, thank you so much for taking the time to post such a lovely response.
    I am quite isolated in that I don't know anyone in my local vicinity. Everyone is interstate.
    I am not a drinker or drug taker, not since having my children, so I would never do that unless it was to end it.
    Right now, the only think keeping me hanging on, is knowing that it would devastate my children and in turn, affect their entire lives, if I were to do that and I don't want that. It is just so, so hard right now.
    Well, it is always hard, but of late, it is almost more than I can bear.
    Sadeyes, thank you, I am not in the US but we also have respite down here and it is something I am considering. Maybe I just need a week to regroup and refocus.

    Thank you, it has helped being able to speak up without creating absolute panic.
    I think this is a good place for me to be able to receive some support so thank you again <3
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