Just looking to escape.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by redarrow, Jan 9, 2012.

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  1. redarrow

    redarrow Member

    I've posted this thread later than I would have liked to but unfortunately haven't been able to find the time recently, and also if you know me you'll have seen that I find it difficult to express my emotions, but right now I'm in a bad place, in August of this year I was involved in a very serious car accident when riding as a passenger in my sister's car, a lorry tire burst causing the driver to lose control, and the lorry to plough through the central reservation and shed it's load (8 tonne rolls of metal), one of these hit my sister's car giving her serious injuries and leaving me in a critical condition, I was then airlifted to the Royal London Hospital where it was expected that I would die due to a diffused axonal brain injury (which generally kills or leaves patients in a vegatative state), somehow I survived and regained seemingly all of my brain function (albeit little before lol) over four weeks,

    I spent a further five and a half weeks in hospital (total of 9 1/2), It was at this point however when I realised the seriousness of my injuries, I've permenantly damaged all four limbs, the most de-bilatating of which is my right knee in which the joint, ligaments, and articular cartilage were irrepairable, I'm told I won't be able to kneel again (you don't realise how often you use this movement until you lose it), I'm told I'll require a hip and knee replacement(s) in the near future (which makes me feel like an 80 yr old).

    I guess it would all be a little more bearable if I was a little older, I'm 18 and had intended up until now to join the Armed Forces or the Police Service, which are both now impossible (the Police due to the fact that I can't see myself ever doing response driving), which had been all I'd ever wanted to do.

    And now I've come to the point where, not only am I sick of waking up in this dysfunctional and painful (although painkillers are taking the edge off) body but also see no future for myself (or at least not one I care to experience) and have reverted back to my old depression (http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?95429-Lost&highlight=), at the moment I see the only logical way of escaping this body, and this uncertain future is by ending it, and the sooner the better.

    I do recognise that people have it a lot worse and some are permanently paralyzed in car accidents, and even after that are sometimes able to find a way to live, but I'm not that strong, and recently my depression along with everything I am going (and have gone) through has driven me to the edge.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi redarrow welcome to SF You say you are not that strong but you have proven the opposite aleady You have survived a terrible accident that as stated most do not survive You are stronger then you think hun. Get yourself a good therapist that deals with trauma get something to help treat your depression then relook your position in life okay get treatment for YOU hun You are a fighter you just do not know that yet.
     
  3. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Paul :hug:

    We've chatted a bit and I wanted to add to this thread so you know I am here and I do support you.

    I agree with Total Eclipse. A therapist that deals with trauma and depression, someone who can help you through all these thoughts and emotions.

    I know that isn't always easy to get where you are but it would be good if you could.

    You are strong. You are a survivor. I am not in your shoes, granted. So I dont fully understand all the feelings that must come with this but I know your life is still worthwhile and precious.

    Seek help IRL please. And we are, of course, here for you, if you ever want to private chat I am available, either in the chatroom or here on the forum.

    :hug:
     
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I am so sorry you are feeling this way Paul. It is completely understandable that you are feeling like this. The trauma of the accident is bad enough and what you are going through is grief in a strange way as you have lost some functions that we take for granted. It is like grieving the loss of your independence a little. You are bound to have tough days but like the others have suggested, you could probably benefit from therapy as it will help you cope with the traumas of the accident. You survived despite the odds on so many levels so a perhaps a higher power is saying it isn't your time to go yet. You are strong Paul and you can get through this and I am always about if you need a friendly ear to listen to you.
     
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