Just.......lost...and weary

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Random, Jun 30, 2007.

  1. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Possible triggers. I don't know.


    This is my third post here. It looks like it might be one of the calmer posts in this particular forum. I thought I'd put it here because I do think it's a rant.....of sorts.

    So. What's the deal with me? Am I really suicidal? No. Not really. I think I'd never actually do it. I'm in my mid 30s and have been thinking about it since I was 10. I'm still alive so I guess I'll be around for a while. So. No matter what I say here, don't be too alarmed. I mostly just want to write this stuff down. If one person reads it. If one person can relate. If one person can say they know exactly how I feel, it serves it's purpose. Right?

    Well....so what have I got to be depressed about?

    I thought about it and thought about it and here's what I came up with -

    1. I can't be who they (parents, the world, etc) want me to be

    2. I can't be who I want to be.

    3. I don't want to be anyone else.

    Make any sense?

    As I said - mid 30s. So, I'm unemployed and living with my parents. That should be enough to depress anyone. My life is aimless. Pointless. There are things I enjoy doing but none of them go anywhere. None of them will take my life anywhere. And even if they would, I don't have the motivation, the energy or the determination to make an honest go at it.

    You see - I can cope for short periods in the world. But soon, things pile up on me and I just get overwhelmed. And I just give up. All I want to do is sit down, listen to some nice music and relax.

    That's it. I guess. I'm lazy. But the world is unsympathetic. Being lazy is no excuse.

    I just don't care about the same things that drive other people. That keep them going day after day. Sure, I want to live as much as anyone. I just don't want to put my face to the grindstone every day and have nothing at the end of the day but a sore back and a lot of yawns to show for it.

    I worked...for a while a couple of years ago. I worked the same job for about 5 years. And I hated it. It was the same thing every day. The pay was lousy, etc.

    So. Why don't I go to school so I can get a better job? My mother loves to ask me this question. And I can't answer it. How can I tell my mother that I'm lazy? That's no good reason. Right?

    And she'd be right. Sooner or later, I'm gonna have to do something. I can't live with my parents forever. They're already in their 50s and 60s. If I want a movie to watch, I have to ask my dad to pay for it. How pathetic is that? He works hard. He always has. He's the kind of man that every father should be. He always did without and worked his butt off so his family would have a roof over their heads, food to eat. So his kids could get a good education.

    And look. Here I am. 33 years old and still eating his food, living on his dime.

    If that's not enough, I have epilepsy. So I could have a nice seizure any time of the day or night. That kind of cuts me off from certain kinds of work....even if I wanted to work. Which I don't. It creates an awkward situation when you apply for employment and they ask if you have any health problems that could prevent you from doing the job. If you say yes. They're gonna want to know what it is. And it's gonna be awkward explaining it to them. If you say no and they find out somehow, they could fire you for lying.

    My driver's license is in limbo (because of the epilepsy). I was doibng well on my meds for quite a few years and in the past couple of years, I've had several pretty bad seizures. Where I live, when you have seizures, you have to wait a while before you can drive. So if I want to go anywhere, I can't even ask to borrow the car and go. I have to ask one of my parents to drive me there.

    I could apply for disability. But that can be hard to get. The guidelines are said to be quite strict. You generally have to prove it prevents you from working. I actually probably could work. I might have a seizure and freak everyone out every now and then but I probably could. I'd just hate it. But that won't get you qualified. "I don't want to work" doesn't win a lot of sympathy. Does it?

    My mother, of course, loves me in spite of it all. But she really doesn't understand. She doesn't understand why I can't work or go to school. She mentions it at least once a day. Usually 5-10 times a day. More pressure. She just pulls random things out of the air "Hey. Maybe you would like working here!". As though I haven't spend most of my life agonizing over some kind of job I could live with. As though I haven't thought of all the easy candidates and rolled it over and over in my head. I finally came to the conclusion that there is nothing suitable because I hate the concept of working to exist. It just doesn't make sense to me to work 8-12 hours a day just to keep breathing.

    I feel I must not be alone feeling this way. The world may be a great place for people who can deal with the daily grind. But for those of us who see it as pointless, it's nearly impossible for us to live in that world and be happy. I truly believe that depression is normal for some people.

    Complexity. Now there's something that drives me up the wall. Unnecessary complexities. I don't need plot twists in a life that already stinks.

    Anyway....I hope I haven't seriously depressed anyone else. Just getting it off my chest feels better.

    Any thoughts?
  2. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    With the exception of your health problems and one or two other things, I could be your twin. I kind of share the same idealogy as well. I worked for 10 years straight...got nowhere, but thats because im terrible with money, and wasted most of it drinking, gambling and buying trinkets etc. Check out http://www.whywork.org. I use to post there at one stage, but havent in probably a year.

    I like work...but on my own terms, therein lies the problem. Most of the jobs ive had have been easy, no challenge, I just get extremely bored with them, end up slacking off, wake up one day and quit. Ive been unemployed now since October last year. My own fault, because again I didnt invest the time necessary to find out what I really enjoy doing, and make a career out of it, now im not in a position where I can really go back to university to do that either.

    Right now I have no motivation at all, which is really quite stupid because in a couple of months I wont have the luxury of having my accommodation subsidised by a parent, not too mention the money I am getting runs out early August. So the shit will hit the fan very shortly.

    Perhaps thats what you might have to do? put yourself in a situation that forces you to make changes. Its not like you have much of a life atm....lets be honest, neither do I, so Im hoping that some tough decisions will force me to reassess my life and make something of it....either that or die, unfortunately death isnt the incentive it should be :sad:
  3. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Yes. It seems we're under similar circumstances. Fortunately, I seem to have some time. I don't know how much.

    Unfortuanetly, putting myself into a position where I have to make tough choices probably wouldn't be the best idea. I really don't enjoy feeling forced at all.

    I just keep going through each day hoping that something will appear that I've never thought of. I've considered every job imaginable, it seems. Unlike you, many of them are truly outside of my abilities. In other words, even if I wanted to do the job, it would just be something I couldn't learn.

    So. Many of the unskilled jobs are very hard work for little pay. Many of the higher paying jobs require more intelligence than I actually have. And I'm not just putting myself down there. I do know my limitations. Things like very technical math have always eluded me. It's not as if I haven't tried to learn. It's just something that's beyond me.

    People don't get that, either. "Oh, you can do it! You're just putting up a block! You can do anything you set your mind to". That kind of stuff. Well, maybe it worked for them but it doesn't work for me. And even if it did. The fundamental nature of my being would take over and all I'd want to do is what I want to do. It varies. Sometimes I like to sleep all day. Sometimes I like to sleep at night. I like to surf the internet. If I want to surf the internet all night, that's what I'll do. And if I have to work the next day, I'm either going to try and call off or it's going to be a very long, miserable day. And I'll do it over and over. Because I won't let that job dictate my life to me.

    Naturally, bosses notice that I'm miserable and pissed off most of the time. And that's a perfect opportunity for them to take out their frustrations on a subordinate.

    But people still will tell me that I can do whatever I set my mind to. Well, those people aren't me. (sigh)