Just lost

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Lorax, Nov 20, 2013.

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  1. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    I'm just not sure how i can carry on..
    I'm forever trying to become an emotional support 'pillar' but it's near impossible now..

    I'm in so much emotional distress my self.. I have so many issues with self esteem, and anger issues. I really can't offer lasting support to anyone else, yet i feel i need to.

    I feel so horrible when people are upset, i instinctively place the blame on my self. To avoid seeing any negativity within others, i just say their life problems are from my own faults.

    Then just as much, i see people with nothing but negativity. I start attacking them, and leading them to constant threats, and feelings of suicide.

    Then inevitably i get over whelmed with guilt. I start turning to addiction, or self harm. I blame my self, no matter the circumstances.

    I want to be able to help people. To offer unrelenting love, and compassion. I already forgive others very fast, after all, i am the only one who screws up.

    But it's so hard to offer support to others, when i have so much emotional drain.. I can't let my family, or my only lasting friends see my pain. I really don't want to be a 'burden' any longer. But i need more support, and have trouble even when i do. I just end up destroying relationships, of any kind. So my problems self-cycle.

    No medication helps me, i don't have much choice with therapy where i live. I'm so stressed out.. I just wish i could find a way to be 'better' so i could help more. I honestly believe death would offer me very many benefits. Yet i'm not able to do so.

    I'm trapped in a world i despise, a life i can't seem to fix, a world view that you have no 'real' power over, and an inability to end it. I'm so lost.. My heart isn't just heavy because i'm stuck... I feel so guilty over the amount of pain i cause, and my complete inability to so much as help someone i love.

    I can't even vent, or ask for help, without feeling guilty.. As a matter of fact, i'm in pain just having written this.. Since it might cause someone pain.
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Lorax. I am really sorry to read that the pain is so acute right now. of course you cannot be the cause of so many people's pain. But I understand that the feeling is far stronger than the reality. I do so fear all the time that I have done something horrible or unforgivable. So it makes navagating life so difficult. Because there is such a base of self blame, self hatred etc. Perhaps this is some of what you are talking about. Either way, i can see it is horribly painful for you.

    I too have a hard time when friends are relentlessly negative. I know it is because it is what I loathe about myself. I loathe that I am negative.

    I hope you can hold on. Because first, I do believe in the possibility that by some miracle things can get better. Second, you really are a part of this community. And because of that, your life is important to people here. :hug:
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