Just Me and My Chronic Illness.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ajean, May 8, 2012.

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  1. Ajean

    Ajean Well-Known Member

    So basically I'm off my anti-depressants because my doctor's a fucking .
    The standard dose for management is 32.5mg, for severe attacks; 75mg. They have me taking capsules of 150, every night.
    over 30% of the people in the clinical trial suffered from nausea... Adverse events also include; eye pain, glaucoma, nightmares, dizziness, anxiety, tinnitus, fever, etc. So basically everything that was already wrong with me, amplified.
    So now it's day three of the worst withdrawls.

    I am, quite literally, falling apart. I can barely see, I wont even risk trying to walk because I've already fallen twice today (and its only four am here), I'm dizzy, I'm so nauseous I've got vomit coming up my throat, I feel like I'm falling out of my skin, and I feel like my eyeballs are going to pop.
    I refuse to go to the ER. I've had such terrible experiences at the hospital that even the thought of going there induces a full-fledged panic attack. Those morons can't ever get their act together.

    Unless you have had chronic pain, you do not understand. It's not like 'oh, I broke my arm once'. You completely forget what it felt like to not hurt. You find yourself hating people because they don't hurt. Seeing pictures of people smiling, having fun, is enough to send you screaming and crying. i HATE people because they complain about finals, and the rain when they have no idea what I would give to be in their place. I would trade everything I have to not hurt. I'll live under a freeway overpass and panhandle for food, sleep in the cold every night and go hungry, just to not feel this way. I never have peace anymore. See you, you can sit and breathe, you can feel good in your body, no matter how much your emotions and your life drag you down you have your body on your side. You can close your eyes and sing a song in your head and be content. I don't have that. I struggle to sleep, to eat, to walk, to breathe, to speak, to type, to cry, to pee. All because my body is against me. All because I don't ever get a chance to remember what it was like to not hurt.

    I'd kill someone to not hurt.

    You have no idea what it's like, to not be safe inside your own body.

    I'm so tired of this shit. Of struggling for the simpliest of things. Is it too much to ask to be like everyone else? I've begged, to any god there could possibly be, to the forces of the universe, to anything and everything out there, to just make me like everyone else, or at least decent and able to function. I was supposed to do something with my life. I was supposed to go places, meet people, find myself, be happy. I had my zoloft and that was good enough. Now I can't make it down the fucking hall.

    I can't live like this. This isn't a life. This is wasting away.

    Do you even know what its like? To have nothing to look forward to? Nowhere to go? Nothing to make you feel human?

    You can't even begin to understand how it feels to hurt like this.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 9, 2012
  2. Brokengirl123

    Brokengirl123 Well-Known Member

    Ajean I have really related to lots of things you have said in this post. All I ever wanted was to be average like nearly everybody else I see or meet. All I ever got was the opposite and at 27 I still have years left of this nightmare if I choose to continue it. I have made up my mind, I know I will die young be it tonight, in a few months or in a few years if I could make it. I know things will get even worse too. Hiding away at night not being able to do any of the normal things that normal people do in life. This is so humiliating. I get no peace and quiet for the tinnitus so I cannot even relax at night and pretend I am in a fantasy world where everything is okay. I can only look on at others and wish I were them , laughing and enjoying life. Sure they have problems I do not doubt that. But I can deal with stuff and I would rather deal with debts or school problems then all of this - this is stuff that will never go away or improve. I know this is so selfish for me to say and I apologise profusely to anyone who tyakes offense - I don't mean to undermine anyone or their problems at all. I just cannot help feeling this way. I know, it is so selfish.

    I often think there should be a separate place for me to go because I am too f***d beyond repair and I should stop bringing down the people here who do not deserve the negative and pessimistic vibes I must give off. They should just send me away and shoot me as there is no hope left for me. I am joke with a million problems that no-one can help. But I keep coming here because I am so desperate for help I can't seem to help it. I already know I am going to die so why do I even bother?

    Anyway sorry back to you Ajean as this is your thread. I cannot belive your doctor did that, although I have little faith in doctors so I can in a way. Mine put me on all sorts of meds even though I kept telling them it makes my tinnitus even worse but they wouldnt listen and told me to persevere as 'side effects usually go away'. I am living proof of the damage drugs can do to you that is how I got my tinnityus in the first place 3 years ago. Anyway I only took one kind for a week and ever since then my tinnitus has remained devstatingly loud. That was months ago. SO wrong again docs! They do not care as they do not have to suffer the consequences so of course they do what they are taught and do not use their initiative or listen to the patient on an individual basis. They say if I do not take them anti-d's I am slowing down my road to recovery. I say stop f***g giving me more problems because my problem is not depression and brain chemistry imbalances - my depression is a result of these problems so let's try to fix the root cause shall we? Doctors are total dunces.

    Would you mind sharing more about your illness? How long have you been suffering like this? There is a chance that your sympotoms may decrease as it has only been 3 days but from what I can gather you say you had all of these anyway so you will still be left with them to a degree? All I can say is I am so sorry you are going through this and I understand your anger, frustration and bitterness only too well. I am here to listen and talk if you want it. Not that I am in a much better position myself. Also I am in pain everyday too for a varaity of reasons. There is not much left I have that doesn't get some kind of pain. This is a living f***g nightmare and I feel your pain only too well Ajean. (excuse the pun)
  3. MisterBGone


    It sure sounds like your doctor got a little bit (or a whole lot) careless with his instructions for taking you off your antidepressant. They're supposed to go gradually: such as, from five pills, down to four, then three, followed by two and so on... I truly feel for you, for I once shared a similar experience when I was stranded in a hotel room, out of town for a week, without my antidepressants (I'd forgotten them!) I was so sick I could not drive three blocks down the street to go to the pharmacy and get a refill (which would have calmed the violent storm in my head). One thing you can do to alleviate some of the Hell right now would be to take one or two (lower dose than normal), it may help--possibly not, it's going to take a little while longer to feel better though, after being on such a strong dosage! What was he/she/it trying to prove? In any case, you could always call him or his nurse and tell them how you're suffering with this cold-turkey approach, and ask them for their advice. They should have an answer for you. I wish you the best of success in putting an end to this torment. Alternatively: although you don't want to go there, the hospital is the sure fire way to take the pain away, instantly...
    Last edited by a moderator: May 8, 2012
  4. Ajean

    Ajean Well-Known Member

    I'd say the main problems with me are the chronic migraines, hyperalgia and endometriosis. Hyperalgia being a pain amplification syndrome, and endometriosis is a painful, painful lady problem (something to do with the tissue growing in the wrong place). So basically, I feel like I'm giving birth from the back of my skull.

    I'm going to be nineteen this year, which feels strange because I've been dealing with the migraines since barely after I turned sixteen. Its kind of like a giant time-warp. Here I am, not progressing at all, and aging sixty years in barely three.

    And I know exactly what you mean, the whole feeling selfish for enving them. There is no way to describe to them what its like. They just can't fathom the pain.

    I guess the worst part is that nothing is helping. Every drug we've tried has just made me feel worse, especially since i seem have a resistence to them.

    And you just have to sit there and take it, because there is nothing that is going to make it stop. And you just wish you had never existed, wish you wouldn't wake up in the morning, so it will end. So you can finally rest and enjoy some peace and quiet.

    I was so young, I still am. And yet, I feel 80 years old.

    And MrBGone: Kaiser no longer carries tablets (which could easily be cut in half). Its the 150 capsule or nothing, they will not give me lower dose capsules.
  5. MisterBGone


    ....maybe the emergency room is your best option, then??
  6. Ajean

    Ajean Well-Known Member

    All the emergency room can ever do is give me an Iv of reglan, benadryl (to combat the severe reaction to the reglan) and toridol. Which will only take the pain down from a 9 to an 8. pain free being a 0 or a 1. I don't know if you are familiar with that pain scale. but i live at a 7. Which is probably the equivalent of getting smacked upside the head with a shovel.
  7. MisterBGone


    Wow! That's intense! I have no idea what that must be like... I feel horribly for you and I wish I knew what to do: could you call your doctor and see what they say? Maybe they'll think up a new recommendation, a solution that works for a change! My back is bad, I suppose chronically so, I cannot sit for more than five minutes without feeling it...so I can somewhat relate to chronic pain, and having exhausted all efforts to relieve it (though I've never tried drugs or surgery!)! Hopefully you've got somebody somewhere (preferably there) to keep you good company, despite the understandably low spirits....
  8. Brokengirl123

    Brokengirl123 Well-Known Member

    19 gosh such a young age I really feel for you.

    I have endometriosis too, that is one of my many physical pains. Most people just think it is bad period pain but I just laugh at those people who refuse to believe anything I say to them otherwise. To me when I get an 'attack' it feels like I have sat on a very sharp knife (yes up the rear not at th front where you get 'period pains' and there is the daily ovary pain which burns and twinges awfully plus the excruciating periods of course. Ajean you are such a star for battling through this and at 19 too when all you want to do is live a normal life.

    I got mine at 23 I just turned 27 on Saturday. Even the strongest painkillers do not take it away except for pure morphine...which usually gives me a migraine. I try to avoid painkillers but it is hard.

    Ajean of all my problems I see this endometriosis as one of the least worrisome despite the awful pain - know why? Because emdometriosis does not have to be forever hun I promise you. I have already improved mine via a couple of methods and i have only been doing them for 2 months. Nothing a doctor ever did for me helped. I am going to pm you about this as it will take up too much space here. Sweetheart I know it feels impossible right now but there is help for some problems in life and I can see a rainbow at the end of this tunnel even though I know you can not. I will help you. xx
  9. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    when I was weaning myself off my meds I would open the capsule and remove half (or whatever quantity ) and put the capsule back together then take it..
    I don't think you should have to cut your meds off cold turkey like that..

    I'm sorry you're so unwell ajean..
    I live with chronic pain too and had endometriosis when I was young...It's a #@^&*
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