So basically I'm off my anti-depressants because my doctor's a fucking . The standard dose for management is 32.5mg, for severe attacks; 75mg. They have me taking capsules of 150, every night. over 30% of the people in the clinical trial suffered from nausea... Adverse events also include; eye pain, glaucoma, nightmares, dizziness, anxiety, tinnitus, fever, etc. So basically everything that was already wrong with me, amplified. So now it's day three of the worst withdrawls. I am, quite literally, falling apart. I can barely see, I wont even risk trying to walk because I've already fallen twice today (and its only four am here), I'm dizzy, I'm so nauseous I've got vomit coming up my throat, I feel like I'm falling out of my skin, and I feel like my eyeballs are going to pop. I refuse to go to the ER. I've had such terrible experiences at the hospital that even the thought of going there induces a full-fledged panic attack. Those morons can't ever get their act together. Unless you have had chronic pain, you do not understand. It's not like 'oh, I broke my arm once'. You completely forget what it felt like to not hurt. You find yourself hating people because they don't hurt. Seeing pictures of people smiling, having fun, is enough to send you screaming and crying. i HATE people because they complain about finals, and the rain when they have no idea what I would give to be in their place. I would trade everything I have to not hurt. I'll live under a freeway overpass and panhandle for food, sleep in the cold every night and go hungry, just to not feel this way. I never have peace anymore. See you, you can sit and breathe, you can feel good in your body, no matter how much your emotions and your life drag you down you have your body on your side. You can close your eyes and sing a song in your head and be content. I don't have that. I struggle to sleep, to eat, to walk, to breathe, to speak, to type, to cry, to pee. All because my body is against me. All because I don't ever get a chance to remember what it was like to not hurt. I'd kill someone to not hurt. You have no idea what it's like, to not be safe inside your own body. I'm so tired of this shit. Of struggling for the simpliest of things. Is it too much to ask to be like everyone else? I've begged, to any god there could possibly be, to the forces of the universe, to anything and everything out there, to just make me like everyone else, or at least decent and able to function. I was supposed to do something with my life. I was supposed to go places, meet people, find myself, be happy. I had my zoloft and that was good enough. Now I can't make it down the fucking hall. I can't live like this. This isn't a life. This is wasting away. Do you even know what its like? To have nothing to look forward to? Nowhere to go? Nothing to make you feel human? You can't even begin to understand how it feels to hurt like this.