Just me

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by -Simon-, Oct 19, 2012.

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  1. -Simon-

    -Simon- Active Member

    Hi, my name is Simon, I live in the UK and this is my story....

    From what I remember up until the age of 12 I was a normal kid, I had friends, a good stable family life and I hated eggs. In the UK you move to your next school (High School/Secondary School) at around this age and this for me was where I died inside.

    I wasn't aware of it previously but I was quieter than other children and suddenly my new teachers were branding me "shy". As far as I was concerned I just didn't feel the need to be the one with my hand up answering questions in class. One teacher went as far as to always refer to me as "Secret Simon". Kids don't need much of an excuse to latch onto something and run with it and I believe this is all they needed. I started to get verbally bullied for being the quiet one, even my friends from my first school that had moved with me turned against me. Some how I did manage to find myself a small group of friends but not the kind of friends that would fight your corner, just those you could hang out with between class.

    The bullying progressed from verbal and I found myself every maths lesson having ink from a fountain pen flung up the back of my shirt.

    During one outdoor sports session I was purposely kicked in the head. I blacked out whilst I fell to the ground, the fall bringing me back round. I lost my sight in my right eye for a day and suffered concussion. I didn't tell my family, I just lay in bed for days on end until the pain subsided.

    I was bullied verbally every day for the 5 years I was at the school. That takes a toll on a kid and I cried myself to sleep most nights. I tried reaching out to my mother but she told me I was being silly. That was when I realised I was alone in all this, there was no internet back then so I couldn't just bring google up and look for a forum like this one. I was alone and it hurt.

    My school life ended when I was 16 and I moved on to college. This was a real break for me, new people and no stigma attached to me. I enjoyed my 3 years at college with little incident but the damage had been done and mentally I was a mess. I spent a good deal of time wishing I was dead. Inside my head was a black cloud and there was no breeze to blow it away. I found I had mood swings, I could be at peace one minute and as low as you could imagine the next.

    During my time at college the internet made an appearance and I was finally able to start reaching out to see if there was anyone one like me. I found a suicide chat room and in between the hate filled people and the religious folk I met a nice girl. She lived in another country but things came together and she ended up moving to the UK to be with me. Unfortunately you can never really know what a person is like until you spend real time with them and it became apparent that this girl had problems that were affecting me. Despite this I was madly in love with her and we got engaged. A turning point in my life came when I found out that she was cheating on me. We separated. It was all too much for me and I started self harming.

    This went on for some time. The internet was much more mainstream by now and I had various online friends, some very understanding which helped a great deal.

    Things changed for the better when one of my friendships turned into a relationship. we've been together 8 or 9 years now. I no longer self harm but it's always there lurking in the back of my mind along with the suicidal thoughts. I don't expect I will ever be free of them and in a way take comfort from knowing that there is always a way out if I should need it.

    I'm 32 years old now and I really like eggs.

    Having read about Amanda Todd in the news and watching her video I realise that I want to put myself out there to be someone's shoulder to lean on if they want it. I've lived with pain a long time and feel I could be of some use. I don't judge people in any way, we're all human beings so anyone can feel free to talk to me if they wish.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just wanted to say hi, and welcome. :smile: Lol and I'm glad you like eggs now!! :p
  3. alyssaswoon

    alyssaswoon Well-Known Member

    Hi, and welcome!
    I'm no stranger to being the "shy one" and being bullied throughout my school years for it, so at the very least I can say I relate.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun welcome to SF I hope in time perhaps you too can get some therapy to help you release the harm done to you It is never too late hun to find healing hugs
  5. -Simon-

    -Simon- Active Member

    Thanks guys :)

    I've never thought about therapy but think it highly unlikely I'd go for it. I can talk about things online hidden behind a screen but the thought of face to face is enough to give me nightmares. Me and people don't really mix, I have a front to seem normal but I avoid contact where possible. I generally feel really uncomfortable around people. Aside from immediate family I'm a loner. Give me animals any day! (I have quite a few)
  6. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Simon, glad you have found SF, it is a wonderful place of caring and genuine people and you will fit right in and be of help to others.......welcome.... (from one of "the religious folk":wink:)

    I am sorry your teacher's comments set it all off for you - makes me mad when those in authority do that thinking they are being cute,clever or funny or whatever.....sucks :(
  7. -Simon-

    -Simon- Active Member

    lol sorry, no offence intended :)
  8. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    None taken :laugh:
  9. -Simon-

    -Simon- Active Member

    I'm afraid I'm saying goodbye to the forum. It's just not right for me, it's depressing and making me relive things I thought I'd buried. I hoped to make a friend or 2 but the reality is people aren't here for friendship.

  10. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Sorry that you feel this way Simon - people come here I reckon to find some solidarity, or some different perspectives, - some have even found a marriage partner here - so perhaps you wanted to give it a little more time things might improve? I hope you might reconsider hun, but there is obviously no pressure :)
  11. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Sadly, I'll have to agree with you on this. It sucks that you want to leave the forum, but I do hope you get the help and support that you are looking for.
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