Just My Story (Lengthy)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SomeButton, Jun 28, 2015.

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  1. SomeButton

    SomeButton New Member

    For the most part I'm still alright living day by day but I know it cannot last, I am very depressed, stressed and I am in this position because of myself; I have more optimism to time travelling back to the past than seeking help.

    [Beginning]

    At the start of high school I started developing dental problems, at the time I figured it's nothing serious and I just needed to brush better but I'm sure you can guess what happens next. It got worse over my years of high school and by the end it's so bad to the point that I don't talk to others unless it's necessary; The last few years were pretty miserable and I believe this is when I started getting depressed as I was also bullied a bit during my early years of school but that wasn't related to my problem directly.

    [Parents]

    I don't interact with my father much even when I was young, I always hated how he smoked so much and just being in the same car with him was suffocating; now he just wants me to work so he doesn't have to.

    My mother is supportive of me but at the same time she gets absolutely hysterical at something minor like a cold, the best example I can give is that she's been nagging me to dry my hair before bed everyday from elementary school till this day because she thinks having wet hair will give me painful headaches in the future. That of course drives me crazy and I haven't snapped just yet but pretty close, arguing with her is pointless because she gets headaches sometimes and she seen it on TV or newspaper before so it must be true in her eyes.

    My parents have been in a loveless relationship for as long as I can remember, they used to fight a lot when I was younger because my father was bringing home low income. My mother accuses that he's sending money to his family members back home who doesn't work, I believe this may be true but I won't know for sure. Of course cheating was also thrown here and there so they pretty much just ignore each other now.

    My mother suspected that I had problems with my dental and talked to me on several occasions to go see a dentist but I was too scared to face reality and always believed it would get better on it's own. There was one time where she cornered me and I had to talk to her about it and openly told her I had a problem, at the time I told her to put seeing a dentist on hold because it was during the period of school where I had a lot of tests and projects I couldn't afford to miss. After that came a shocking plot twist, for some reason she didn't understand the seriousness of my problem and had me eat more nutrient because she thought that was my issue so after that she kinda forgot about it and I wasn't able to bring it up again. Honestly this was the moment I expected this shitty nightmare to end and I was really confused because she didn't bring up seeing a dentist after that for quite some years later and I actually had doubts if the event of me telling her was real or not.

    [About Me]

    I really don't know if I just rolled a crappy dice or what because even before this I had a skin condition since I was a kid and although it didn't affect my life that much, I continued to develop more and more health problems but I still consider myself lucky if I compare myself to people that are even worse off like those that are bedridden, these kind of thoughts is what's keeping me going everyday but hypocritically I believe deep down that even people that are worse off than me are happier than me.

    I can't even remember the last time where I was truly happy because this situation takes up a large part of my life, even when I play games I think I have fun but this lingering thought of despair with me having no future unless something changes always hurt me and I can't truly say that I'm happy even if I were to have fun if that makes any sense. Currently I'm trying to find some new hobbies that I would enjoy to attempt to dampen these thoughts of despair, I'm well aware that nothing will change unless I do something but I wasn't able to open up in the past and now it only gotten significantly more difficult.

    The best way to describe how I currently feel is that everyday feels pointless and life is almost as realistic as things I imagine in my head, I want change and I can create that change but I cannot bring myself to do so; the result of that is just me surviving day by day doing nothing productive with my life. I don't have any motivation because I already accepted that with my current self I have no future.

    [Current]

    I'm currently in my 20s and don't work, majority of jobs requires human interaction and that is something I simply cannot bring myself to do. Naturally my parents have been telling me to get a job and I'm trying to think of things but it isn't so simple when I have no experience and don't want to talk to others; I have a rough idea of starting some kind of business and will probably be able to pull in a little bit of income but I'm not confident in myself and I don't know if I got what it takes to keep working at it.

    I mentioned having more and more health problems earlier, so far none of them affects my daily life but I think it may be a matter of time that changes. I literally have like a dozen different issues and it's kinda hilarious they just so happen to be ones I can hide. I know I should go see doctors and I'm sure everybody does also, despite knowing that I still can't bring myself to do it. The main reason for that is because everything could possibly be found out if I do so and I just can't accept that reality.

    So what are my excuses for not asking for help now?

    One of the main reason is money, if I had treatment in high school it would've been relatively cheap but now it's at the point that it'll cost between $50,000-$100,000+ because of no dental coverage. This is the dental alone and if I were to get treatment I'll have to treat my other health problems as well and in the end it just adds up to a ridiculous sum of money. My current financial situation is that we have no savings at all because of the next reason.

    The other main reason is my mother, we moved into a new home because our previous apartment was driving my mother insane as one day she noticed some macaroni and cheese ended up on our window; now I think the regular reaction would be that some kid upstairs threw it out their window and landed on ours by coincidence, except her line of thoughts is that she pissed somebody off upstairs because of the scent of her cooking and that someone wants to get back at her by assaulting her with macaroni and cheese... I don't even... Then it gotten worse after that because she thought somebody upstairs was trying to poison us because she noticed some weird smell and white marks on the windows. Well some time went by after that and she says my room is too small and I don't receive good enough airflow so she bought a new house, maybe a house more expensive than we can afford because we had to take out a loan but it's not that far off that it'll be paid off but the point is we don't have any savings.

    If she finds out about my problems then that'll devastate her like never before seen and I will be risking everything, she had threaten suicide in the past numerous times when she was arguing with my father and I believe this might just push her past the line. For me to receive treatment we can potentially lose our home and moving in with any relatives is absolutely out of the question, I never did mention she was one of those super clean mother and wouldn't even allow relatives to visit our home, if for some reason somebody have to come over she'll have to clean the entire house to be satisfied so you can get a gist of what my mother is like.

    Even if she doesn't do anything reckless and treatment is successful, we'll be living in an amount of debt that I have no confidence in paying off. My father is getting to the point of retirement soon so everything will fall to me once he no longer can work. In some part of my mind I just want to give up and continue doing nothing because my actions can potentially create an even worse situation for all of us.

    My reasons may very well just be delusional excuses I created to justify myself being such an idiot, I'm not even sure what I believe in as nothing feels real to me anymore.

    [What's Next]

    I know what I should do but I simply can't do it, not at this point just like in the past. I'll continue on towards tomorrow until something changes for better or worse because that's all I can pull off, currently I'm thinking of finding some work I can do to earn a little income, besides that there's nothing really anything else.

    Aside from my health problems, I don't have any problems with drug/alcohol addiction or anything of the sort. My life feels normal but empty at the same time, I feel a little refreshed spending the time writing this and it was kinda enjoyable talking about everything. I have read about what others are going through and I actually feel bad because I have an answer on what to do but others are seeking their own answer. If anyone is going through anything remotely similar to my situation then you have to find the courage to find help, it's meaningless for a coward like me to say this but I'll live with my regrets for the rest of my life even if it gets resolved; I simply don't want anyone else to go through what I have to because I would give anything to change my past.
     
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