just my thoughts at the moment

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by purpleAPY, Mar 14, 2011.

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  1. purpleAPY

    purpleAPY Well-Known Member

    I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling anymore. I stopped going to my therapist. I want to cry, but I have no one to cry to. I am so unbelievably lonely. I have no one in my life. A hotline is not a real person, even a therapist isn't a real person. Not to me. I can't open up to someone like that as much as I need to. The only people I can really open up to are my friends, who don't even fucking care.

    That's the worst. That was the worst, hearing my best friend say that she can't deal with me anymore. I know I asked for it, I wanted her to tell me, I wanted her to be honest. But it still fucking hurt. It hurt to hear her say that my apology didn't even mean anything. That her grades went down last semester. That she can't keep doing this… I want to ask her if she would rather know nothing, have no idea what is going on in my head and just pretend everything is fine, then to know the truth… know what I'm really going through right now.

    There's no more questioning about whether feelings are coming back or fear that they will come back… they're already fucking here. I've been trying to ignore them for a while but I've given up at this point. Now I'm afraid that I won't have anyone to turn to this time… everyone I relied on for support last year is gone. They're all fucking gone and I'm alone in this world. Alone and depressed, that's what makes for a good suicide opportunity.

    I am so afraid. I'm so afraid that I won't recover from it this time… I'm already taking meds, and they're obviously not helping as much as they need to. I don't even like taking zoloft, I fucking hate it. I hate trying to remember to take it, I hate feeling sick if I take it after forgetting for half a week… I want it to all go away.

    My second option is to run away, but that's not definite enough… I'm afraid I'll come back. You can't leave everything behind and then come back and face people again. If I leave, I know I'll be leaving my entire life behind me… no phone, no Facebook, no way for anyone to ever contact me again. I don't know how I would survive, where would I go? I don't have a passport so I can't leave the country, at least not legally. Maybe I would slowly make my way across the country and find some hippies in San Francisco or go to LA or something and just hide out, find some college kids to live with… get a job. Mollie said that the government would track me down. That's the only problem with all this… unless I kept a low profile; didn't put my name down on anything, paid under the table, all that stuff. I don't think it would work either way.

    It's either run away or kill myself. I don't want to view those as my only options but I'm scared I won't be able to handle this much longer. I wish so badly that I could talk to someone about this… I know I can't though, and it's tearing me up inside. I don't feel comfortable talking to my other friends anymore, I don't know why. They're too preoccupied anyway… they'll find time to ditch me to talk to their other friends but if I ask them anything they'll tell me they're too busy doing homework, AKA stalking people on facebook. My other roommate isn't even here, and if she was, now she's constantly either with her boyfriend or doing homework. No one has any time for me. I don't want to sound selfish like that. I know they all have their own lives, they all have things they need to do, they can't put their lives on hold just for me. But I haven't asked for much lately. I haven't talked to any of them about anything recently.

    I can't hold this all in anymore, I'm too scared that it'll be too much for me to handle and I'll lose control. That is my biggest fear right now. I can't do this. I need someone, someone real, not a hotline, not a therapist, I need someone I can really talk to.
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I know it isnt as good as someone right there but keeping posting hun. It helps to relieve a little bit of the anxiety and fear.

    Something you might consider is a support group. Being in a group of people that are going through the same things that you are experiencing. Finding resources that you probably didnt know exist. Your friends can only deal with so much. Sometimes they turn away because they dont know how to deal with what you are experiencing. Most dont do it to be mean, they do it as a way to keep themselves safe from something they dont want to be exposed to. Keep posting, get it out where you know others understand:arms:
     
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    why did you stop going to your therapist? they might not be good enough, but they might also be better than nothing.

    I think that there is also a more intense kind of therapy, I forget the name of it, dbt? or something.

    did you tell your therapist that things weren't working? was the therapist any good?

    Maybe your therapist could help you get into more intensive therapy.

    You could also get adjustments made in your meds.

    I'm sorry that your best friend said that she can't deal with you. I think people just have failings and limitations. I think if you can build a network of support, including a therapist, and just distribute how much support you get through the network, that can help. That way no one person gets overwhelmed, and if you can't get support from one person there are others that you can turn to.

    You may be able to reestablish connections with your friends somewhere down the line.

    What do you mean about the government tracking you down? Is it about school loans? I think that if you get disability status they can freeze your interest payments or have the loans forgiven or something.
     
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