1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Just my thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Invictus, Nov 24, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Invictus

    Invictus Member

    I am not posting this to get replies. Just want to say how I feel at the moment.

    I had a good childhood until about 15yrs of age. Always shy, always passed up opportunities, but was quite happy. I then dropped out of school and didnt socially interact with anyone (was a recluse, basically) till I was 20 and got my first job(which I have been in for nearly 11 years now. I am nearly 31).

    In those past eleven years I have nearly formed relationships with women and friendships with men but every time my stupid fucked up head screws it all up. With women I always do/say/ behave stupidly and they think I am an idiot. I probably try too hard. And with male friendships I just cant be bothered to put in the effort. That is an appalling attitude, but I cant help it.

    Over the years I have had opportunities with women and literally prayed they would work out, but they never have. They never ever get past the first date. The desolation I feel after every one is unbearable. Until today.

    Today I went out with a girl I met over the internet. She is 11 years younger than me and extremely confident. I must have been able to bluff it when we chatted on MSN and spoke over the phone for the past two months. Well, today I was nervous meeting her, not overly so, but didnt feel quite myself.

    I felt it was going OK, whilst not being great, when surprise surprise, after she had been texting on her phone she suddenly gets a phone call saying her grandmother had been taken seriously ill and she had to go home. Yeah, she may be telling the truth but I doubt it very much. It is the classic "get out of a bad date" technique.

    If this was the first failure I would just take it in my stride, but I have had enough now. I dont even feel angry or upset. I just cant be bothered with this shit anymore. I want out. After other knock backs I used to think about killing myself, but couldn't really contemplate it. I felt too "alive" to do it. As if there would be more chances. Now I truly know I will never be happy.

    I have no friends at all. I have never had a proper relationship with a woman and at nearly 31 my confidence is shot and my mind has gone to pot. I have no enthusiasm for work, family or life. I just exist. For the first time in my life I am planning my exit and dont even care if I fail and end up in a wheelchair or brain damaged. I just dont care.

    This isn't the life I want and it wont get better. I actually know that now. I have nobody at all to turn to and I want out. I always said to myself that if I am embarrassing myself I will bow out. Well, I fell embarrassed now.

    By the end of the year I am gone I think.

    Thanks to anyone who read all that shit.
     
  2. JayJay

    JayJay Well-Known Member

    Hello ! I'm Jay from the North East of England. I feel as if I have lived your life . . . I was on a dating site for 2 years and used a Disney Pic instead of how I really looked !

    But please keep going. Lets get talking on this site. This site is where I have made some good friend, but have never met them ! Read my posts . . . Can we stay as friends . . . Keep talking to me and to others of how you feel.

    Kind regards

    Jay
     
  3. Invictus

    Invictus Member

    Thanks for your reply Jay. It means a lot. Its just that I feel that this is the culmination of years of knock backs. I have suicidal thoughts nearly all the time and have done for years but now I just feel like there really is no point in carrying on, that things wont get better and I am a lost cause. I have only one person that I love and that is my mother. I have no friends apart from one person at work who I get on well with but dont see socially. I am an only child who makes no effort with extended family and dont see them, neither do I want to, from one year to the next.

    I work in a mundane job that barely pays what I need to live or at least enjoy living. I come home every day and drink ridiculous amounts of alcohol, nobody ever calls me, I dont call anyone(there isnt anyone to call) and when I do get opportunities I always mess them up. And I do mean ALWAYS.

    On wednesday of this week I was sitting alone at home and just started crying. Not a tear in the eye, but tears streaming down my face. Whats wrong with me? I only have to hear a song lyric that means something to me and I feel like crying.

    I am sitting here looking out of the window and just feel miserable. Cant face going into work tomorrow and I am so gutless I am going to ask my Mom to call in for me. How pathetic for a 30 year old man to be like that..

    So sorry to ramble like that, but I just typed it as it came into my head. As you will see I truly dont have anything to live for other than my Mother, who I am pushing further and further away. And she isnt going to be here forever and where will that leave me then? With absoloutely nothing and alone.

    I already have my disposable charcoal burners and all I need to do is seal up my bathroom and light them. That is just about the only thought that is keeping me going. The thought that I CAN end it.

    Thanks to anybody who read that.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.