I am not posting this to get replies. Just want to say how I feel at the moment. I had a good childhood until about 15yrs of age. Always shy, always passed up opportunities, but was quite happy. I then dropped out of school and didnt socially interact with anyone (was a recluse, basically) till I was 20 and got my first job(which I have been in for nearly 11 years now. I am nearly 31). In those past eleven years I have nearly formed relationships with women and friendships with men but every time my stupid fucked up head screws it all up. With women I always do/say/ behave stupidly and they think I am an idiot. I probably try too hard. And with male friendships I just cant be bothered to put in the effort. That is an appalling attitude, but I cant help it. Over the years I have had opportunities with women and literally prayed they would work out, but they never have. They never ever get past the first date. The desolation I feel after every one is unbearable. Until today. Today I went out with a girl I met over the internet. She is 11 years younger than me and extremely confident. I must have been able to bluff it when we chatted on MSN and spoke over the phone for the past two months. Well, today I was nervous meeting her, not overly so, but didnt feel quite myself. I felt it was going OK, whilst not being great, when surprise surprise, after she had been texting on her phone she suddenly gets a phone call saying her grandmother had been taken seriously ill and she had to go home. Yeah, she may be telling the truth but I doubt it very much. It is the classic "get out of a bad date" technique. If this was the first failure I would just take it in my stride, but I have had enough now. I dont even feel angry or upset. I just cant be bothered with this shit anymore. I want out. After other knock backs I used to think about killing myself, but couldn't really contemplate it. I felt too "alive" to do it. As if there would be more chances. Now I truly know I will never be happy. I have no friends at all. I have never had a proper relationship with a woman and at nearly 31 my confidence is shot and my mind has gone to pot. I have no enthusiasm for work, family or life. I just exist. For the first time in my life I am planning my exit and dont even care if I fail and end up in a wheelchair or brain damaged. I just dont care. This isn't the life I want and it wont get better. I actually know that now. I have nobody at all to turn to and I want out. I always said to myself that if I am embarrassing myself I will bow out. Well, I fell embarrassed now. By the end of the year I am gone I think. Thanks to anyone who read all that shit.