Just my thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Invictus, Nov 24, 2007.

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  1. Invictus

    Invictus Member

    I am not posting this to get replies. Just want to say how I feel at the moment.

    I had a good childhood until about 15yrs of age. Always shy, always passed up opportunities, but was quite happy. I then dropped out of school and didnt socially interact with anyone (was a recluse, basically) till I was 20 and got my first job(which I have been in for nearly 11 years now. I am nearly 31).

    In those past eleven years I have nearly formed relationships with women and friendships with men but every time my stupid fucked up head screws it all up. With women I always do/say/ behave stupidly and they think I am an idiot. I probably try too hard. And with male friendships I just cant be bothered to put in the effort. That is an appalling attitude, but I cant help it.

    Over the years I have had opportunities with women and literally prayed they would work out, but they never have. They never ever get past the first date. The desolation I feel after every one is unbearable. Until today.

    Today I went out with a girl I met over the internet. She is 11 years younger than me and extremely confident. I must have been able to bluff it when we chatted on MSN and spoke over the phone for the past two months. Well, today I was nervous meeting her, not overly so, but didnt feel quite myself.

    I felt it was going OK, whilst not being great, when surprise surprise, after she had been texting on her phone she suddenly gets a phone call saying her grandmother had been taken seriously ill and she had to go home. Yeah, she may be telling the truth but I doubt it very much. It is the classic "get out of a bad date" technique.

    If this was the first failure I would just take it in my stride, but I have had enough now. I dont even feel angry or upset. I just cant be bothered with this shit anymore. I want out. After other knock backs I used to think about killing myself, but couldn't really contemplate it. I felt too "alive" to do it. As if there would be more chances. Now I truly know I will never be happy.

    I have no friends at all. I have never had a proper relationship with a woman and at nearly 31 my confidence is shot and my mind has gone to pot. I have no enthusiasm for work, family or life. I just exist. For the first time in my life I am planning my exit and dont even care if I fail and end up in a wheelchair or brain damaged. I just dont care.

    This isn't the life I want and it wont get better. I actually know that now. I have nobody at all to turn to and I want out. I always said to myself that if I am embarrassing myself I will bow out. Well, I fell embarrassed now.

    By the end of the year I am gone I think.

    Thanks to anyone who read all that shit.
  2. JayJay

    JayJay Well-Known Member

    Hello ! I'm Jay from the North East of England. I feel as if I have lived your life . . . I was on a dating site for 2 years and used a Disney Pic instead of how I really looked !

    But please keep going. Lets get talking on this site. This site is where I have made some good friend, but have never met them ! Read my posts . . . Can we stay as friends . . . Keep talking to me and to others of how you feel.

    Kind regards

  3. Invictus

    Invictus Member

    Thanks for your reply Jay. It means a lot. Its just that I feel that this is the culmination of years of knock backs. I have suicidal thoughts nearly all the time and have done for years but now I just feel like there really is no point in carrying on, that things wont get better and I am a lost cause. I have only one person that I love and that is my mother. I have no friends apart from one person at work who I get on well with but dont see socially. I am an only child who makes no effort with extended family and dont see them, neither do I want to, from one year to the next.

    I work in a mundane job that barely pays what I need to live or at least enjoy living. I come home every day and drink ridiculous amounts of alcohol, nobody ever calls me, I dont call anyone(there isnt anyone to call) and when I do get opportunities I always mess them up. And I do mean ALWAYS.

    On wednesday of this week I was sitting alone at home and just started crying. Not a tear in the eye, but tears streaming down my face. Whats wrong with me? I only have to hear a song lyric that means something to me and I feel like crying.

    I am sitting here looking out of the window and just feel miserable. Cant face going into work tomorrow and I am so gutless I am going to ask my Mom to call in for me. How pathetic for a 30 year old man to be like that..

    So sorry to ramble like that, but I just typed it as it came into my head. As you will see I truly dont have anything to live for other than my Mother, who I am pushing further and further away. And she isnt going to be here forever and where will that leave me then? With absoloutely nothing and alone.

    I already have my disposable charcoal burners and all I need to do is seal up my bathroom and light them. That is just about the only thought that is keeping me going. The thought that I CAN end it.

    Thanks to anybody who read that.
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