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Just my thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by White Castle, Mar 7, 2009.

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  1. White Castle

    White Castle New Member

    Hello all, I'm 24 years old and have been contemplating suicide for quite some time now. I have been thinking about it since high school and my thoughts have progressively gotten worse. I feel as if I can narrow when I went to the dark side. I was born and raised in a city of over a million people, and right before high school, my parents moved me to a town of only one thousand people. I feel I have never adjusted. When I lived in the city, I had friends and never thought of suicide. Since moving to a rural area, I have found it hard making friends. I have also gained a significant amount of weight. I have lost 100 pounds, only to gain 30 of it back. I'm currently in school and I know the material, I just don't have the motivation to strive for good grades. I worry about my future. I'm set to graduate in August with a Bachelors degree, but I worry I won't be able to find a job. It seems I never catch breaks. When opportunities present themselves, I always seem to miss out. I seem to have mood swings. I can put on a happy front in social situations. At work, my coworkers like to be with me because I am funny and easy going. For some reason, it seems like the friendships end at work. I cannot seem to make friends outside of work. No one wants to hang out with me, yet we seem to get along so well in work. I am totally at a loss with women. I have never really had a girlfriend and I feel I never will. At 24 it's kind of late to just enter the dating game. I feel if I don't kill myself, I'll be one of those old misers whose corps is found weeks after they die because no one knew or cared where they were. I've gone so far as to plan where I would commit suicide, how, what clothes I will wear, and my funeral arrangements. I have even planned my last meal and final song I would listen to. I feel deep down I do not want to die. When I am with people at work and laughing and having a good time, the thought of dieing never crosses my mind. I just don't know if I can handle the stress of life. The only thing that has kept me from committing suicide, is I'm terrified about life after death. I do not believe in God, and the thought of the unknown scares the hell out of me. If I knew for sure what the after life held for me, I would be gone already.
  2. Troubled2008

    Troubled2008 Well-Known Member

    This is sort of like... not like me.. but ... I am a real a****** and I'm not afraid to admit it. That's just the way I was born... in a dysfunctional family... It always seems like when I try to do something nice... the gods of fortune see and help me. My life is almost beyond help really... but.. I guess since I don't believe in the fake religions like Jesus and stuff.. even though I wish I could............ Just never give into the negativity.. Keep trying to help yourself.... Always believe in the good nature..... The good nature of the powerful and gifted and generous overlords....... If you try real hard, sometimes they help you. Sometimes not. I'm always overjoyed when they choose to bless my life. I always thought I was powerful.... Maybe I will show them something good about me someday....
  3. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member


    It can be hard when you feel like you don't fit in. Don't worry about not having a girlfriend. Charles Bukowski was 26 when he lost his virginity. And he lost it to a prostitute (you think he may of well started earlier, huh? ). Louise Bryant and John Reed didn't get together until they were 30. Anais Nin wasn't really sexually explorative until she was 29. You're only missing out on young love. And believe me that doesn't last that long and it's not really worth it.

    You sound depressed. If that's the case than life is fucking miserable, but with the proper medication, therapy, and exercise you can enjoy life again (look at the great hypocrite dance!). You've admitted to not wanting to die. ..that's a pretty strong reason for not listening to the urge. :)

    Stay strong, stay on the board.

    The Fitzgeralds married early, but Scott died young and broke while Zelda burnt to death in a mental hospital after it caught fire. Remember the old axiom: marry early - die in a fire.

    Excuse the flippancy, it holds off depression,

  4. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    first of all, listen to jameslyons. . . there is an old mans wisdom, in a young mans brain.

    then. . . keep this in mind. i'm 45 and just found someone i love. not looking, expecting, or frankly, wanting it.

    anything and everything - is possible - in this life. and i have NO IDEA what is next. it could be better, worse, or nothing. i have spiritual beliefs. .. but faith. . well. . .
    give me science, proof, anyday . .. still. i hold on to faith because it keeps my heart soft - and a soft heart can love.

    don't go. there is much beauty on this planet, much love, to explore. you can die anytime. you can die, later.

    hey, and if you get bored....in the interim. . . there are good people here....
  5. White Castle

    White Castle New Member

    I think it is also worth mentioning, I do not have a good relationship with my family. I'm not on speaking terms with my parents. My mom has been on medication for mental issues but does not take her medication and has verbally abused me my whole life. She has criticized me my whole life and seems to relish if I fail. My dad would go to work, come home, open a beer, and didn't want to be bothered by us kids. The only important person in my life is my older sister. I was essentially raised by her. We have a very close relationship yet I can bring myself to discuss my suicidal thoughts with her, as I know she would listen and is trustworthy. I don't forsee any suicide attempts in the immediate future, but if I continue on this path I don't know how much longer I have. I made a decision that by the time I turn 25, I would decide on my future. I made this decision when I was 22 and if things weren't better by my 25th birthday, I would call it quits. Well I'm turning 24 in a couple weeks and things haven't gotten better.
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