Just need some feedback

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by three44, Apr 22, 2012.

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  1. three44

    three44 Member

    Where to start. This will be my first time reaching out for some kind of help outside of those around me. I have dealt with serious episodes of depression and suicide since I was a teenager. They come and go. I have played with the idea of suicide, and contemplated how to do it seriously 1 when I was a teenager, 1 in college and here I am back again doing the same thing. To relieve some of the stress and anxiety I resort to cutting or drinking or whatever drugs are present (though I am not an addict). I tried once in college to get help, but the doctor was very impatient and definitely did not care. I stopped seeing her after the first meeting.
    I have not told anyone these things because I am too embarrassed and too afraid. I do not want to loose my job nor do I want to be a burden on anyone. I do very much feel like giving up and I do not because I am not sure how (though I spend a great deal of time contemplating different methods) and I am a little too chicken, though I am not sure why, perhaps because I worry I will fail at that too.
    I have told my spouse that I am depressed but I see that in the last week it really is a burden on him, and he does not need that right now. I am a crappy parent and this only makes it worst.
    The worst part is that I consider all the other people that are really suffering, and I have the perfect life. But I cannot seem to enjoy 1 bit of it. I have anything and everything I have ever wanted, and here I am depressed and pathetic. I have no good reason for it.
    So why reach out now? I have to travel for work in about a week. More than likely this episode will pass but I know from the past that it still lingers in the back of my head. I can feel it still there. I can ignore it, and it will stay back there.
    But the moment something happens that is difficult to deal with or is frightening or overwhelming, or I make the slightest mistake, this "thing" sitting in the back of my head will sneak to the front and explode, and I cannot control what it will do. I do know when I am ready to kill myself, I will do it without mistakes and it will be permanent or I will not do it all. The embarrassment of having tried and failed will be more than I can handle.
    So I am a bit worried about the traveling, since I will be alone, and when I become very frightened (which is common in new places or new settings) I withdraw and hide. Which then leads me to depression, and the door to the thing in the back of my head opens and the "thing" comes out.
    I am too afraid to get help because I do not want anyone to know or have it affect my job in any way and if I do not go on this trip, it will affect my job.
    My worst fear is that I will be placed in a mental hospital and then I will for sure do everything I can to kill myself.
    I am not sure what to do at this juncture, but I suspect I will do like I always do and see what fate throws my way and hope for the best.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Whatn YOU do is go to your regular doctor who has to keep your confidentially and get some medication to help you hun
    People who have a chemical imbalance in the brain can be easily treated for depression and your gp can prescribe that You don't need a special doc to diagnose you and treat you Confidentiallity will protect you Go get the medication now so it is in your system it will take at least a week to notice anything and up to 6 weeks for full results hugs
     
  3. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Total eclipse is right get the right meds and maybe some councilling to can be of some help.And also reaching out here too you will find support also
     
  4. three44

    three44 Member

    I am guessing, as I wake this morning, that this was posted in the wrong thread.I had anxiety all night thinking about how I posted in here. There are definitely many more in immediate need then myself right now.
    But why do you both think that it is chemical? I am normally a strong individual, and for the most part I can keep that "thing" at bay, and all secrets hidden and I am in control.
     
  5. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Might not be could be high stress related depression but you show signs by what youve writen of depression and you can only keep it at bay for so long by yourself.I kept mine and suicide thoughts to myself for many years and eventually i cracked help and reaching out is the best you can do sometimes some barriers we cant beat5 on our own.
     
  6. three44

    three44 Member

    Spidy were you able to get the depression to go away? I need to know, I guess, that this path I am taking will not be fruitless.
     
  7. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    I m still getting through it and of coarse life theres always going to be shit thrown at ya.I find being occupied and not letting myself think too much i can keep it controlable.I had shit happen to me in life so i know it wont go completly as these thoughts stuck with me.
     
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