Where to start. This will be my first time reaching out for some kind of help outside of those around me. I have dealt with serious episodes of depression and suicide since I was a teenager. They come and go. I have played with the idea of suicide, and contemplated how to do it seriously 1 when I was a teenager, 1 in college and here I am back again doing the same thing. To relieve some of the stress and anxiety I resort to cutting or drinking or whatever drugs are present (though I am not an addict). I tried once in college to get help, but the doctor was very impatient and definitely did not care. I stopped seeing her after the first meeting. I have not told anyone these things because I am too embarrassed and too afraid. I do not want to loose my job nor do I want to be a burden on anyone. I do very much feel like giving up and I do not because I am not sure how (though I spend a great deal of time contemplating different methods) and I am a little too chicken, though I am not sure why, perhaps because I worry I will fail at that too. I have told my spouse that I am depressed but I see that in the last week it really is a burden on him, and he does not need that right now. I am a crappy parent and this only makes it worst. The worst part is that I consider all the other people that are really suffering, and I have the perfect life. But I cannot seem to enjoy 1 bit of it. I have anything and everything I have ever wanted, and here I am depressed and pathetic. I have no good reason for it. So why reach out now? I have to travel for work in about a week. More than likely this episode will pass but I know from the past that it still lingers in the back of my head. I can feel it still there. I can ignore it, and it will stay back there. But the moment something happens that is difficult to deal with or is frightening or overwhelming, or I make the slightest mistake, this "thing" sitting in the back of my head will sneak to the front and explode, and I cannot control what it will do. I do know when I am ready to kill myself, I will do it without mistakes and it will be permanent or I will not do it all. The embarrassment of having tried and failed will be more than I can handle. So I am a bit worried about the traveling, since I will be alone, and when I become very frightened (which is common in new places or new settings) I withdraw and hide. Which then leads me to depression, and the door to the thing in the back of my head opens and the "thing" comes out. I am too afraid to get help because I do not want anyone to know or have it affect my job in any way and if I do not go on this trip, it will affect my job. My worst fear is that I will be placed in a mental hospital and then I will for sure do everything I can to kill myself. I am not sure what to do at this juncture, but I suspect I will do like I always do and see what fate throws my way and hope for the best.