Just Need Some Support

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Adonaeus, Feb 11, 2012.

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  1. Adonaeus

    Adonaeus New Member

    I see that a lot of people on this site have some very serious problems. I hope for peace of mind for you all and I don't want to detract from that at all, but I'd like some affirmation if possible. At this point in my life I don't think that I could kill myself, I just consider it a larger possibility than in the past and it frightens me. I'm about to graduate from college and I have absolutely no direction in my life. I have no idea what I'm going to do after school and I never feel like I'm doing enough. My mother recently cut me out of her life and I was completely dependent on her for emotional and monetary support. I have no transportation, no place to live after school, no plans, and barely enough money to survive for now.

    Right now I am typing in a public library after being dismissed from a crucial test for grad school. I was nervous and filled out two answers after the testing time had stopped. Preparation for that test was all that I did for the last few months of my life and I feel completely hollow knowing I failed it. Right now I feel stupid, alone and worthless. My only role in life now is student, so what am I if I fail at this simple task? I don't see any future for myself so the prospect of cutting my life short really appeals to me. There is a man next to me staring at everything that I type, how worthless must I appear to him and everyone else in my life?

    There are a few people that I can turn to, and for that I'm grateful. I'm still on speaking terms with my father and I have a few friends and a loving relationship. I'm just not the kind of person to bother other people with my trivialities, though I perhaps should.

    I know that I'm lucky enough to have people in my life, I just don't want to bother any of them. I know that my situation doesn't match the severity of anyone else's here, but if anyone could give me any direction or support, I'd greatly appreciate it and I'd be happy to reciprocate. I thought that maybe people at a similar walk of life would be the best people to ask about it. I'm at my breaking point and I'm afraid of what may come next.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Adonaeus. Welcome to SF! Please don't trivialize your own pain and issues. Everyone has different paths that have brought them here. I don't have "answers" - I'm just tossing out my first thoughts, and you might have already explored them, so I apologize if I'm going over things you've already done.

    First, having your mother cut herself out of your life probably hurts a lot. I'm sorry she did that. :hug:

    You're also worried about the results of an important exam, what direction you want to take in life, financial concerns, and feeling like opening up to your friends would be a burden to them. Sometimes just sharing with a friend/loved one how we feel can make us feel better. They might not have immediate solutions, but people who care will listen and probably even bounce ideas around to help you find your own solution.

    Here are some things to think about...How long can you stay living where you are with the finances you presently have? Can you find a less expensive place to live to extend your resources? Would your father be able to help you out? Is there a student assistance office that might help you? Could you get a part time job?

    What are you studying? Have you gone to the college/uni Career Planning office to talk about this? They are usually very good at helping students find a career direction related to their interests and studies.

    If you are overwhelmed and feeling on the edge, please call a crisis line for immediate assistance, or go to the ER. Longer term, you might find having a counsellor to talk to helpful. And keep posting here. Many members are students who have similar questions and concerns. I wish you all the best. Stay safe.
  3. crystalclear

    crystalclear Well-Known Member

    Im sorry youre suffering, its a tough time right now. I know failure is hard to take, especially if you put a lot of effort in your task. But failure is not the end, maybe it will take some time for you to get back on track but its do-able. Take one step at a time and don't worry about what other people think. People like judging and putting down others because it makes them feel good about themselves. Use the people you love as a source of strength. I wish you the best :)
  4. Matka

    Matka Member

    Hello Adonaeus

    As I was reading your post, I was thinking, this person is just like me, except for the student part. I am older and graduated many years ago. But I too have been cut off my mother, except it was my sister who axed me from her life. My mom has dementia and I don't have power of attorney so I can't contact her and she doesn't where to contact me. It is heart breaking, except in your situation it was your mother who cut you off and in my case it was my sister. I miss her so much it pains me and I feel like she has died and that I want to go with her.

    My sister and brother forced my mom out of her house where we both lived and where I was her caregiver for 4 years. Now they want to boot me out and I have no money, no job and no place to live in a couple of weeks. It's scary, just like you I guess, but for different reasons. When I graduated from university I just went where the job was. I had few belongings so it was easy to just go. You don't sound like a failure and you do have loving people in your life and I believe you are very fortunate because I don't have that. My father died recently and now my mom is out of reach and I spent so much time focusing on them, I didn't really spend time for me and reaching out to other people and social activities. So if you have people to turn to, go for it. They will listen and care, I'm sure of that. And that guy looking at you, maybe he's attracted to and not thinking you are worthless.

    I also panicked when I was in university and college when it came to testing. I came in to the test well prepared, and panicked and forgot everything I studied, so I had to learn to calm myself down, not easy my any stretch, but I decided that doing my best is good enough and then I stopped worrying so much about the grade I would receive and eventually I was able to get through my tests pretty good. You have a whole life ahead of you, so it may be helpful to journal your thoughts and write where you would like to be 6 months down the road and how to get there. If you write down your plans/goals and read and think about it every day, you're more likely to follow up. I'm talking too much hopefully this helps a little
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