Hi all, totally new here.. found this forum on google, theres no aussie sites like it. I'm really hoping though that talking about this, even with strangers might make it a little better. I've honestly got noone in my life to talk to anymore. Guess a little about me.. I have avoidant personality disorder and a few other bits and pieces, diagnosed with schizophrenia, severe depression, multiple personality disorder. More or less I'm a mess and my apd makes it impossible for me to get help.. I'm literally my own worst enemy. My life has been going downhill since 14 and I'm 34 now.. 20 years of pushing everyone who cared about me away, I've broken every good thing in my life. Everytime things go right I just up and leave or rip them down, a lot of the time with no idea why I'm doing it and always unable to stop myself. Always the same cycle, I try and fix things, then end up locking myself away from the world completely. And I can't see my life ever changing or help coming from anywhere, I really don't want to live like this for another 20 or 40 or even 50 years. The last time I crashed I left the state with nothing but a bag full of clothes and what cash I could gather and attempted suicide as far as possible away from the few people left where I live. Failed of course.. and my father tracked me down and got me back. Now.. its been 2 years since that yet it feels like only yesterday, I have no clear memory even of the past 2 years. I live in a shed out the back of his house, managed to lock myself in there all day everyday, just going out for food. Its not even a home, just pay rent to my step mom for a dingy shack, I dodge her dogs crap everytime i walk out the door to get water, not allowed to even have a cat which is a big deal to me as my old cat was my best friend for over 17 years.. yeah, crazy I know. Can't talk to my father at all, he is in total denial of whats been going on with me, about the only time he'd ever faced it was when I was hospitalized for a few weeks in a psych ward. My reasons for living now.. I don't want to do it because it would hurt him and my sister. I still have a small spark of humanity left in me that cares about them and dosen't want to cause them pain. But each day gets harder and harder and I feel more and more alone. Theres not a day goes by I don't think about or plan my own death, and long for it to happen. I'm not a complete invalid or slow in anyway at all, I'm reasonably intelligent and understand whats happening to me and the prospect of a future holding nothing but.. this life scares me beyond belief. What do you do when you know theres no hope? That you'll spend the rest of your life torturing yourself against your own will. I can't run from me or hide, getting treatment means actually being taken to doctors or locked up in a hospital, unfortunately the first unavailable because I've managed to estrange everyone in my life and the 2nd temporary, as I've been told by doctors, only violent patients get treatment, passive ones like me end up back on the streets with recommendation to seek out an outside doctor. Guess thats it really, I live in a nightmare I can't wake up from and want out so bad, but not at the expense of hurting others. Honestly have no fear of death, but everytime I think of it I see my dad's face the day he heard my grandfather died, the look of pain so intense, the months afterwards he was depressed and suffered, only my little sister kept him going. And her.. she carries a teddy around everywhere with her that her big brother bought for her. How would he explain that I wouldn't be around anymore to a 9 year old that loves her brother despite his craziness. When does quality of life over-ride any pain caused by someones death? And lately I've been asking.. whats worse, the few months of pain I cause them doing it, or the lifetime of watching me get worse everyday as I lose myself piece by piece, hating them more and more for holding me here.