Just need to chat..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kemra, Jan 30, 2009.

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  1. Kemra

    Kemra Well-Known Member

    Hi all, totally new here.. found this forum on google, theres no aussie sites like it. I'm really hoping though that talking about this, even with strangers might make it a little better. I've honestly got noone in my life to talk to anymore.

    Guess a little about me.. I have avoidant personality disorder and a few other bits and pieces, diagnosed with schizophrenia, severe depression, multiple personality disorder. More or less I'm a mess and my apd makes it impossible for me to get help.. I'm literally my own worst enemy.

    My life has been going downhill since 14 and I'm 34 now.. 20 years of pushing everyone who cared about me away, I've broken every good thing in my life. Everytime things go right I just up and leave or rip them down, a lot of the time with no idea why I'm doing it and always unable to stop myself.

    Always the same cycle, I try and fix things, then end up locking myself away from the world completely. And I can't see my life ever changing or help coming from anywhere, I really don't want to live like this for another 20 or 40 or even 50 years.

    The last time I crashed I left the state with nothing but a bag full of clothes and what cash I could gather and attempted suicide as far as possible away from the few people left where I live. Failed of course.. and my father tracked me down and got me back.

    Now.. its been 2 years since that yet it feels like only yesterday, I have no clear memory even of the past 2 years. I live in a shed out the back of his house, managed to lock myself in there all day everyday, just going out for food. Its not even a home, just pay rent to my step mom for a dingy shack, I dodge her dogs crap everytime i walk out the door to get water, not allowed to even have a cat which is a big deal to me as my old cat was my best friend for over 17 years.. yeah, crazy I know.

    Can't talk to my father at all, he is in total denial of whats been going on with me, about the only time he'd ever faced it was when I was hospitalized for a few weeks in a psych ward.

    My reasons for living now.. I don't want to do it because it would hurt him and my sister. I still have a small spark of humanity left in me that cares about them and dosen't want to cause them pain. But each day gets harder and harder and I feel more and more alone. Theres not a day goes by I don't think about or plan my own death, and long for it to happen. I'm not a complete invalid or slow in anyway at all, I'm reasonably intelligent and understand whats happening to me and the prospect of a future holding nothing but.. this life scares me beyond belief.

    What do you do when you know theres no hope? That you'll spend the rest of your life torturing yourself against your own will. I can't run from me or hide, getting treatment means actually being taken to doctors or locked up in a hospital, unfortunately the first unavailable because I've managed to estrange everyone in my life and the 2nd temporary, as I've been told by doctors, only violent patients get treatment, passive ones like me end up back on the streets with recommendation to seek out an outside doctor.

    Guess thats it really, I live in a nightmare I can't wake up from and want out so bad, but not at the expense of hurting others. Honestly have no fear of death, but everytime I think of it I see my dad's face the day he heard my grandfather died, the look of pain so intense, the months afterwards he was depressed and suffered, only my little sister kept him going. And her.. she carries a teddy around everywhere with her that her big brother bought for her. How would he explain that I wouldn't be around anymore to a 9 year old that loves her brother despite his craziness. When does quality of life over-ride any pain caused by someones death? And lately I've been asking.. whats worse, the few months of pain I cause them doing it, or the lifetime of watching me get worse everyday as I lose myself piece by piece, hating them more and more for holding me here.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi K and so glad you posted about who you are and how you are doing...I think each of us takes on way too much and does not break life down into very simple steps...there are many ways to find hope, but for me, it was about accomplishing a goal then another that I set for myself...my first goals were seemingly banal, go to the promenade and look at the flowers...see if I could really see their beauty...it was far removed from myself and my ego, so it was doable for me at the time...then it was to clean several drawers of my clothes...emptied them out on the bed, and finished (it took quite long as I fought it all day)...simple steps bringing a little pride...hope you find some simple things to make yourself feel better...big hugs, J
  3. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    welcome... there are few aussies here. your life sounds very very difficult.. i hope you find that this forum helps you, if only to have people to talk to when things feel really bad.

    presumably with your diff diagnoses you have seen professionals in the last? do you take meds at all? can you try again for some help to support you??

    sam x
  4. Kemra

    Kemra Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the welcome guys, and yep, seen many professionals, actually been seeing them since the age of 8, spent time in psych wards, etc. Was on meds of varying sorts over the years, anti-psychotics, 3 times with pretty harsh anti-depressants, valium, sleeping pills, etc, etc. Only problem is I've never had anyone there for me when its gets to the point I just can't leave the house.. the largest part of my mental health issues is being completely unable to do some things.. Its kinda hard to explain but I'll see a doctor maybe 2 or 3 appointments, then one day wake up and be unable to leave the house for 6 months except for paranoid and disturbing trips for food. Worst thing is a lot of the time I don't even remember all that 6 months or year, or in this last round 2 years.

    Funny story.. last trip into the psych ward the doctor wanted my dad and me to sign some forms, they gave him (dad) control over my finances and life, power of attourney or something? The doc explained to dad that I had absolutely no self will or control at times and a very self destructive streak that came out as another personality determined to make my 'life' complete misery. My dad said 'No, I won't take away his independance, he needs that more than he needs help. He's always been a loner and would resent me for it.'

    Thats funny because I've never been a loner by choice lol. That and the fact I even said straight out I thought it was a great idea.. So many people have told me over the years to reach out to a friend, get my family to support me, or that I've got to help myself by keeping doctors appointments and such. I have no family except dad who denies anything is wrong and refuses to help and no friends at all and helping myself is hard when I'm not always me or in charge. Somedays I wonder if it would even hurt him that much if I just dissapeared and never came back, that maybe my last reason for being here is just an excuse to make me feel like someone actually cares.

    Lol, typing this out I just have one thought in my head, I miss my old cat, she was 17 when she died, at my darkest moments I could hold onto her and feel cared about and loved and needed, stupid I know. Now.. I just sit here talking to people I don't know because if I went over and told dad I wanted to talk he'd do what he did last time, promise to get me to a doctor asap then promptly forget the entire conversation by the next day. Is this life? Honestly whats the point when the highpoint of your day is finiding a new tv show to watch and get half hours peace from the voices and misery in your head.
  5. freefalling

    freefalling Active Member

    Somedays I wonder if it would even hurt him that much if I just dissapeared and never came back, that maybe my last reason for being here is just an excuse to make me feel like someone actually cares.

    We are all strangers here but I for one honestly believe that other users here really do care about how others are feeling,maybe I am naive but that is what I believe.
    Having read your posts I can feel your pain and frustration and totally understand why you would consider ending that pain.But on those dark days remember your little sister and her favourite teddy and use that image as an incentive to continue the fight because I think that is how most of here survive.I picture my 2 sons and use their unconditional love as an incentive to keep going.
    I hope that you find some peace and use this site to vent out all your problems and woes,because believe me when I say that people here really do care
  6. pensive1981

    pensive1981 Well-Known Member

    Welcome. I'm glad you were able to find this site.
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I've read your post and I don't think that missing your cat is stupid at all. She was a good friend when others were not. Pets are wonderful that way. Soft, warm and faithful companions.

    I hope that you feel more cared about now that you've found SF. :hug:
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Kemra,

    Welcome to the forums :) I'm glad you found us!!

    I'm sorry you're feeling so low right now, I hope you will find some comfort here.

    I'm always here if you need to chat x
  9. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi . . i am so glad you came here. now, for sure, this is an internet site - but- there are real live people behind each and every post - and we DO care about you.
    each person that you talk to here - gives their own inspiration, and support - though each will be completely different - you add them together and it makes a network - a community - to help you through this dark place.

    you must be a very tenderhearted person, describing your little sister (is there anything in the world more precious, than a 9 yr old girl?? ) and quite honestly - (i have 2 daughters. i have to hang on b/c of them. i must. ) your sister would be forever changed if you ended your life. she can be your will to live - and i have faith that when we DO make the choice to stay here - we will find a turning point.......
    ......i am presently at a place where the highlight of my day IS a t.v. show..(have to be careful to choose happy shows or i'll start crying.. ) or getting an email. I TOTALLY understand that feeling hun - what IS the point.?

    well..i believe the point is - we are here - we need to stay here and be good to people. . . . and look for MORE reasons to be here. you already have two - your dad and your sister. now. .you have MORE. . .already. us here, because we care about you. pm me if you want to talk, please. keep reaching out . i am worried about your living conditions...why do you not live in the same house as your dad? do you have any other relatives. ? ok. keep writing to us - :hug:
  10. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    have they said no to another cat?
    they sound kind of mean :(
    what about a smallewr mammal , would they let you?
    have you told them how important it is to you to have a pet?
    rabbits make great pets.. house pets who can be house trained. i am trying to think of a way round this for you. i am surrounded by animals here and cannot imagine not being able to have any. a cat is a great pet.. try convincing them again...

    as for the rest of your post, i am sorry you have had itso hard. and i reallu hope this site helps you ease your loneliness.. give it a bit of time, get to know people, there are some really nice people on here

    sam xx
  11. Kemra

    Kemra Well-Known Member

    First I want to say thankyou everyone. Its been so long since I've been able to talk, well, write in this case.. about what my life is like with noone judging me or telling me to grow a pair and cheer up. I can't say I feel any different or better, but reminds me of why I keep trying day after day. Guess the self pity creeps in a lot and I resent the fact I'm only here for others, but really thats the only reason we have isn't it? Just really wish I could find a little happiness of my own besides the occassional smile at something on tv or in a book.

    To answer a couple questions I do live with my dad sort of, a shed out the back, 1 'room'. Its honestly not a fit place to live but I have no choice, nowhere else to go, I could move but how many landlords are tolerant of people with a condition that leaves them frequently jobless and more often locked away avoiding any human contact. Lol.. memory loss and involuntary self destructive behaviour don't go hand in hand with paying rent . Being a painter by trade has soothed more than a few landlords over the years.. (free work on their homes). And theres no way I could get another cat, my step-mom is dead against it, saying it would upset her dogs, I lost my garden for the same reason.. I started a cottage garden outside my shed to make it feel a bit more like home, and it helped me heaps, something to take care of, over a years work went into it and it was looking nice. But the day I put up a small 1 foot high fence to keep her dogs from digging it up and pooping outside my front door and around my outdoor setting she waited till I was asleep and tore it down. Who am I to argue, apparently I'm lucky to have a home *shrugs*.

    Funny how simple things and freedoms I miss.. being able to shower without permission, wash my clothes without asking for space on a washing line, have a pet or a garden. Miss having a car, not allowed to drive because I tend to have.. memory blank spots and end up in weird places, that and I lost my licence because dad sold my car to someone without getting his details and that guy decided to go break a few laws while it was in my name.

    Sitting here after re-reading that I'm trying to think of some things I do have left... something good. I got the net, stack of DvD's.. I love Boston legal, especially Jerry Espen. I have my ciggarettes, though somedays that can be a bad pleasure to enjoy. I miss working, at least I had a bit of a social life even though my workmates always thought I was strange. My problems though have gotten bad to the point where holding a job is challenging.. my last job I blankd out on a Friday morning and woke up Monday morning in a different state in some backpackers hostel with no memory of getting there and only hazy bits and pieces have come back since. Lol, was fun trying to explain to my boss why i couldn't make it to work till Tuesday, and even more fun ringing up on Tuesday to explain how I got back and my doctor sent me straight into the psych ward for a 4 week 'holiday'.

    If only I had a way out of all this other than a bottle of cheap tequilla and a short flight off the tasman bridge. One thing my mind keeps going back to is just leaving, packing a bag and walking out and never coming back. I don't know what i'd do or where I'd go, just far away. Guess its a fantasy of sorts, I don't believe things would magically become better or that anything would go away or change. Might finally push me over the ledge I'm sitting on, but for a little while I could be happy and able to do whatever I wanted.

    Sorry I ramble on so much, bad habit from being alone most of my days. I actually write a lot to myself, helps keep me grounded as me, advice from a doctor. Maybe thats a bit of advice I can give to anyone who has similar probs as me, write to yourself, it does work, and can help with the dissasociation (sp?), or even to help sort out how your feeling when your not even sure yourself. Plus.. bonus.. its amazing how many hours can pass, its gotten me through a few bad nights.
  12. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi kemra. if you get a double post from me, sorry : ( jeepers. i am pm'ing with a friend and i am trying to go back and forth - not working.

    first of all - you are a good writer. : ) secondly - you might have a real clue as to your path - the thought of just taking off one day - ......i am not saying abandon ship - but - maybe that thought is a window to your future?

    now. some nosey questions (i am a mom, if u can't figure that out.) we don't know, we ask! : ) all from good intentions, of course........

    why can't you live in the house w/your dad. . . why do you live in a shed. (that makes me angry! i would let you live in my house! so. sorry. not judging anyone but what is the reason your dad wont' let you?)
    and. . . .your stepmother is kind of mean (ouchie) to not even let you have a garden.

    i know it gets tough - when we feel we are trapped in misery - no way out - only for the benefit of others .

    but. when it comes down to it - what IS the meaning of life - if it does not include at least, some 'others'? well. that is a personal question/answer.

    what i look at is - you are a wonderful person - you are fully deserving of happiness - and you may be hurt and damaged - but - that does not LESSEN your deserving of happiness. (happiness being, the absence of suffering)

    the things you mention - taking a shower without permission, ?! having a space for clothes on a clothesline!? i want you to have these simple things. everyone should. you are not a criminal! bless your heart :sad:

    here is what i think. there is always a way out. a way up. a way over. nothing is forever - and nothing, is impossible. period. so. you are reaching out - good - keep doing that - we have to figure a way for you. pm me if you want to talk - we can share on pm things if you dont want to IN THE SPOTLIGHT! : ) ok. ...please keep writing. :hug:
  13. Kemra

    Kemra Well-Known Member

    Actually I'm a compromise, after my last trip into hospital dad got the guilt trip and wanted me living here, mainly because while I was in hospital i lost everything, my flat, job, nearly everything I owned and before that.. I guess you could call it a breakdown, I did reach out to him for help and just got ignored. My step mom was no to me in the spare room and yes to a space in the shed lol. Its an out of sight out of mind sort of thing.. we get along ok but a grown man with mental health issues is the last thing she wants around and can't say I blame her. Even I see the bad in that, I look at myself and feel disgust, not because of my problems but because I can't deal with them. Not through lack of trying or wanting any sort of solution, just all comes back to being unable to as i described earlier.. its a vicious cycle.
  14. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    it is not your fault that you have those issues.. a mental health problem is usually random and we cannot sit and choose it. unfortunately most people without mh problems, just do not understand mental health issues.
    self disgust is a big problem here.. you feel so low and worthless and that will also feed into your social isolation and phobia.
    you are an eloquent and smart person from your posts here and i believe that you have a lot to offer the world because of that.
    are there any agencies in your area that could offer you some counselling and support even at home? think manybe befrienders?
    how about making some online friends? you need support i think more than anything else.. hopefully this forum is a stepping stone to something else... i hope so xx
  15. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hey. i was just thinking about you! i have children and step-children. and i have to admit i totally disagree with your step-mother. to me, once you have children - it's never over. if they need help - no matter what age they are - it's family. and that goes for my step-kids too.

    please don't be disgusted with or at yourself. you have some tough problems and you've had some tough breaks.

    forgive me if i am forgetting something from an earlier posting...but will you be able to get a job, at this point? are you stable enough for that, at this time? it would be nice if you could get another flat and have your own little space. (even if it is small it sure beats the shed!) i find it hard sleeping in my warm bed knowing you are in a shed. sorry. . ,. it just pisses me off :mad::sad: (ok. i went back and re-read some stuff. ) maybe there is a low-stress type of job you could have. you like gardening...so what about at a nursery-landscaping establishment? working with living things can be soothing and would get you back into a social-life, enough to give you some human contact - and - enough money for a small place? you need some type of on-going therapy and possibly medication - is this happening right now? :heart:
  16. Kemra

    Kemra Well-Known Member

    I'm a bit too far gone nowadays to work or even get a flat of my own, my last attempt at work I spent more time staring at the walls than i did painting them and a few times went to work and next thing I was at home a few hours later wondering what the hell I was doing. Having others around dosen't seem to help.. they say i just sort of go blank and say something like 'back in a minute' and wander off not to be seen again, sometimes for an hour, sometimes for a couple months.

    I do need treatment, badly, but I need someone to make sure I get there and keep going. Just a little support.. I can't trust myself to do even a simple thing like keep an appointment. Guess its kinda like living with a flatmate who refuses to do anything and never gives you your messages, except this ones inside my head and tends to take over without warning. As for that bit of support I mentioned.. I really have noone willing to do it, and to be honest I don't think anyone really cares. Dad makes the occassional comment about how bad I'm getting and follows it up with 'maybe you should ask that social worker to give you a hand'. And of course she passes it back with 'get your dad to give you a hand'. Seems like everyone wants to pass me off to someone else.
  17. Kemra

    Kemra Well-Known Member

    Was just looking through the other parts of the forums and found this http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=9537 , pretty much describes what i have. Add to that severe depression which is directly related, doctors have also guessed at other non-associated disorders, I get periodic anxiety, anti-social behaviour, etc, etc. I'm only partly aware of just one part of myself and usually have no memory of another part, I've actually done what they call integration with some of the worst parts from years ago but they still come out in times of high stress or danger and are usually violent and reckless.

    Just wanted to add.. its always strange when I read something like that, how people can be normal, functioning members of society, my life has been reduced to chaos by it. I spent years dealing with it, trying to cope, and its worn me down and gotten steadily worse to this point where I really can't cope with living the rest of my life like it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 1, 2009
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