i just im so sick of all this bullshit. the rest of the lab got to go out on a boat day today and im stuck here in lab. my boss i dont think wanted me in the field, i mean yeah im leaving the lab soon to start a new job but i just feel unwanted and like im useless. i guess im jealous of the people on the boat...especially the new girl who isnt even working at this school, shes working at another one and she got the day off so now she gets to go on the boat while i sit in here alone. i had to drive to go get samples this morning too, so maybe thats partially why i didnt get to go out but i duno its just i mean ive done so much fucking driving for my boss-and half of it this past semester i dont even get reimbursed for because the travel fund was dry. so ive lost money while being at work and now i get to drive more...granted i get reimbursed this time...but i barely trust my car at this point. its not gunna make it much longer and i dont exactly have the funds to go get a new car right now. i duno i just feel so low and like my life is a complete disaster. maybe its not but i cant help how i feel about it.
i just feel like everything is gunna crumble down all at the same time, and its starting to now. maybe itll get a little better once i leave this lab and start my new job, but somehow i still doubt it. my self worth is so low right now...and it just keeps getting worse i cant motivate myself to do much of anything. i did go for a run wed which was awesome and everything, but im so out of shape i was just embarassed of myself. not to mention my headphones broke partway through my run-making it nearly impossible for me to finish. i need something to listen to when i run to keep myself going and until i get new headphones itll be even harder to motivate myself again. my apt is a mess, a disaster and i just cant seem to care to clean it. im gunna try to this weekend, but no guarantees. i just dont see the point of keeping it clean when the mess doesnt bug me cause i dont care about myself-let alone where i live and i dont have visitors cause well...i dont have that many friends, especially not around here. i even doubt my boyfriend will visit me anytime soon. i keep asking him to and telling him he needs to, but i dont know if he doesnt take me seriously or if he is afraid to ask to or if he just doesnt care. ive offered to go there (since school ended he lives about 2.5 hours away) but he says things like o i duno if my parents will be ok with you staying over. ok so if i cant go there why doesnt he come here? am i not worth the drive?
i duno i just feel so low, and im losing control over my emotions every little thing gets to me. i over think every little thing and make things bigger than what they should be and i cant seem to stop. im just so done with this with everything.
i just feel like everything is gunna crumble down all at the same time, and its starting to now. maybe itll get a little better once i leave this lab and start my new job, but somehow i still doubt it. my self worth is so low right now...and it just keeps getting worse i cant motivate myself to do much of anything. i did go for a run wed which was awesome and everything, but im so out of shape i was just embarassed of myself. not to mention my headphones broke partway through my run-making it nearly impossible for me to finish. i need something to listen to when i run to keep myself going and until i get new headphones itll be even harder to motivate myself again. my apt is a mess, a disaster and i just cant seem to care to clean it. im gunna try to this weekend, but no guarantees. i just dont see the point of keeping it clean when the mess doesnt bug me cause i dont care about myself-let alone where i live and i dont have visitors cause well...i dont have that many friends, especially not around here. i even doubt my boyfriend will visit me anytime soon. i keep asking him to and telling him he needs to, but i dont know if he doesnt take me seriously or if he is afraid to ask to or if he just doesnt care. ive offered to go there (since school ended he lives about 2.5 hours away) but he says things like o i duno if my parents will be ok with you staying over. ok so if i cant go there why doesnt he come here? am i not worth the drive?
i duno i just feel so low, and im losing control over my emotions every little thing gets to me. i over think every little thing and make things bigger than what they should be and i cant seem to stop. im just so done with this with everything.
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