I have spent every one of the eighteen years of my life in misery. My depression has been inert, it is like it's part of me. I remember trying to gear up to kill myself in grade four. Obviously, I didn't follow through. What scares me is that every single day seems to be getting harder. From time to time I pick up a new burden, whether it be financial stress, worrying over school, or most recently and by far the one killing me the most, insomnia. Every single day I toy with the idea of killing myself. It has become a coping mechanism, it helps to know there is a way out. Things like exercise and eating right don't help. I am scared to try anti-depressants. I decided years ago that if I ever do run out of options I will end my life. I think my last option is pills. If those don't work... I am writing this because I desperately need to know that people out there feel the same way. Socially I am completely normal, on the exterior my friends see me as a friendly, shallow, kind, lazy guy who loves life and joking around. I feel like there is something so dark inside of me. It has killed my optimism, humor, religion, and hopes in life. Loved ones are a burden, I would have killed myself long ago if I didn't care what happened to them. I know they would be devastated. I now resent them for keeping me in a world I no longer belong. I no longer have periods of happiness, they are corrupted by the constant knowledge that eventually, most likely soon, things will go back to misery. Please respond if you can relate. If you have like me, spent hours wallowing in nostalgia just to take your mind of the present. I realize that given the fact I am on a suicide forum this is probably common. But I think, like most of you, I feel especially broken. I just need to know that there are others out there that understand.