Just need to know someone feels the same way I do.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jra, Sep 24, 2012.

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  1. jra

    jra Member

    I have spent every one of the eighteen years of my life in misery. My depression has been inert, it is like it's part of me. I remember trying to gear up to kill myself in grade four. Obviously, I didn't follow through. What scares me is that every single day seems to be getting harder. From time to time I pick up a new burden, whether it be financial stress, worrying over school, or most recently and by far the one killing me the most, insomnia. Every single day I toy with the idea of killing myself. It has become a coping mechanism, it helps to know there is a way out. Things like exercise and eating right don't help. I am scared to try anti-depressants. I decided years ago that if I ever do run out of options I will end my life. I think my last option is pills. If those don't work...

    I am writing this because I desperately need to know that people out there feel the same way. Socially I am completely normal, on the exterior my friends see me as a friendly, shallow, kind, lazy guy who loves life and joking around. I feel like there is something so dark inside of me. It has killed my optimism, humor, religion, and hopes in life. Loved ones are a burden, I would have killed myself long ago if I didn't care what happened to them. I know they would be devastated. I now resent them for keeping me in a world I no longer belong. I no longer have periods of happiness, they are corrupted by the constant knowledge that eventually, most likely soon, things will go back to misery.

    Please respond if you can relate. If you have like me, spent hours wallowing in nostalgia just to take your mind of the present. I realize that given the fact I am on a suicide forum this is probably common. But I think, like most of you, I feel especially broken. I just need to know that there are others out there that understand.
  2. letmedisappear

    letmedisappear Well-Known Member

    Hey there jra, and welcome to the forum.

    I understand. Completely. Though it may not be as often for me nowadays, at one time, suicide was my addiction and my go-to option for everything. Something negative happen? It was just feeding the fire. Positive? How should I help these people deal with my death? And oh, the nostalgia... I used to be such a great student, a great friend, a great daughter and person and now... I'm just awful.

    I am not a religious person, and philosophy has destroyed my sense of life. I try to keep myself busy enough to not have time to think anymore. And like you, loved ones kept me back many times. The guilt I have just now for thinking about it is overwhelming.

    Have you by ay chance contacted a counselor or therapist at any point in your life? Let us know more about yourself... we're one big community here and we love to help. :)
  3. needsomeone..

    needsomeone.. New Member

    Yeah, I know how you feel. I'm 18 as well and spent part of my senior year in high school in a mental hospital and was put on anti-depressants. Whether they work or not is up to debate. They somewhat have worked for me. Whatever you do choose to do You should try to get help from someone. It doesn't matter who. Just dont give up. Your not alone. :smile:
  4. normaljoe

    normaljoe Well-Known Member

    You are never alone. there are always people out there willing to listen or help however they can. :D you just gotta fight through it.
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