Just need to talk....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by shatteredsoul15, Oct 14, 2011.

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  1. shatteredsoul15

    shatteredsoul15 New Member

    Hey everyone... I just joined this site, because I need nothing more than to talk right now and not be judged. I guess I'll tell my story, and then see where it goes from there. I'm sure you all understand, there's more to this than i could ever put down on a post, or a hundred posts, but I'm going to do my best.

    I'm a 21 year old male college student. I like school a lot, or at least I do when other things aren't making it last on my list of priorities. Right now, I have a 4.0 GPA and hope to go to law school at Stanford University. I'm only saying this because I'm trying to convince myself that i really do have something to live for, and maybe writing that might help... Anyway....

    I met my girlfriend in highschool, almost 5 years ago. We were acquaintances at first, talked in class and whatnot. Turned out, she was a good friend, but I didn't really see her as anything else. Then in December of 2006, my grandmother, great-grandmother, and great uncle all died within 10 days of each other, one from Alzheimer's, one from Parkinson's, and one because she was 99 years old. The three of them were the closest people in the world to me... they had made me who I was, and I loved each of them incredibly. To lose one was a devastating loss... to lose them all was unbearable. The pain built and built until one night it got to be too much. I'll spare the details, but I came very close to ending it all.... then i got a message from this girl. She saw that i was upset in school that day and just wanted to know if i was ok. I ended up telling her everything over the next 3 hours. During that time, she talked me out of what i was about to do... she saved my life. Not only that, she made me feel like i meant something to someone, that i had a reason to be around.

    Fast forward 6 months. I asked her to our junior prom. In the weeks leading up to it, we became best friends. I was always nervous around people in general, but I could be myself with her. The day after prom, I asked her to be my girlfriend. She said yes.

    Jump to one year ago last month. We are 1000 miles apart, her in school in florida, myself in pennsylvania. We've had our troubles, of course, with the distance, but we've made it work. Then something happens that neither of us saw coming... she was pregnant. She was on birth control, but apparently that doesn't work as well as people seem to think it does. We're both strong Christians, but they don't prepare you for that in church very well it seems.... We realized that, to go forward with this, one of us would have to give up school and move to be with the other. Problem is, who would it be? I'm going for law school... she wants to get her PHD in economics. We both have incredibly bright futures, and neither of us wanted the other to sacrifice that. So we made a terrible choice....

    When it was done, it took some time to sink in. We both would start crying over the smallest thing, getting upset over nothing. I couldn't go to a major store anymore because I might see someone with a baby. We realized that we had both fallen madly in love with that little life that never was... Somehow, we got through it, together. It still hurts, looking back, but we promised that we would have other children some day, and give them all the love that was denied the little child we decided to name Emily. Apart, we both would have cracked, but we were always so much stronger together. I have to admit though... i looked back on the night years before that many times, and wondered why i deserved to be here if i could do such a horrible thing...

    Forward again, to a month ago. We'd been arguing more frequently, often over nothing. We fight, we apologize and forgive, but soon enough the arguments start again. I decided enough was enough. Despite everything my personality screamed at me to do, i refused to keep fighting. It took effort, but they finally began to stop. I became the person i used to be again, kind, caring, and above all else, totally devoted to her.

    She came home for a visit two weeks ago. We had, what i thought, was a great weekend. But saturday night, she said we had to talk. She told me she wasn't sure of her feelings anymore. That she was scared that since we met so early in life, she couldn't know for sure that this was how it was meant to be. She didn't want to take the chance that she was settling instead of finding what was truly right. We decided to "take a break," despite that being the most ambiguous thing ever created. By the end of the week, we were "friends." She doesn't want to lose me, and promised that she would not even attempt to move on without us having a serious conversation about where we were going. I'm scared now. I'm trying to be the best person I can be. She told me last night that I'm a better person than i ever have been, that she was amazed at the changes i've made and how i'd grown as a person.

    But she is drifting away. I know it in my heart. We are lying to ourselves, hoping against all hope that something will suddenly change. But I know it's not going to. In a week, a month, 3 months, whatever, I will lose her. For almost 5 years, she has been my entire world, my source of strength when i feel like giving up. She gave me a reason to live, gave me hope that I had a purpose and made me feel like I was worth something to this world. It's all gone now... everything i wanted to live for is going away. Our future, the kids we promised to love with all our hearts, the memory of little Emily, it's all going to be nothing, emptiness. I woke up this morning to angry red scars on my wrist... i don't even remember doing it.... I'm falling so fast, but the only person i trust enough to save me is the one who is letting me fall. I came so close last night... I need the strength to get through tonight. I'm going to see her in 2 weeks, I guess to decide finally what will happen. I need to make it till then...

    And the worst part is... I got my paycheck from work today. When I put it in the bank, I realized I finally had enough for the down payment on the engagement ring i'd spent the last 2 months designing.... I was planning on asking her to marry me on New Years as the ball dropped. Guess i won't be making that purchase after all.....
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I've read your post and I'm thinking about you. :hug: I don't have a crystal ball, so I don't know what will happen. Just remember that you deserve to be with a woman who loves you as much as you love her. You are obviously smart, caring, and loving, and those are great qualities to have - no matter what happens.
  3. shatteredsoul15

    shatteredsoul15 New Member

    Thanks... it helps just to talk and know someone is listening....
  4. angeleyez

    angeleyez Member

    Hi shatteredsoul, just wanted to say tat dont lose hope. Jus pray things turn out as u wanted it to be. Best of luck.:console:
  5. shatteredsoul15

    shatteredsoul15 New Member

    Thank you both.... you have no idea how much it helps just to hear some friendly words :)
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