Just need to tell a story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RFL, Jul 20, 2012.

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  1. RFL

    RFL New Member

    Hi,

    This is very long. No need to read it. I just needed to write it publicly.

    I'm not sure if this is the place to post this or not. Not even really sure what I am doing here... I can't sleep, my mind just keeps going over all the things I wish it wouldn't. I don't want to die but I think about ending it a lot. I just feel tired. Like I just can't climb another mountain. My life hasn't been that bad. In many ways it was amazing. But the last 2 years haven't felt very good. Actually, it has felt like torture. If it's ok I would just like to tell my story. I feel like it might feel good to do it...

    I'm smart, I'm good looking, I'm charasmatic, and I've always had a way with people- with those things in your corner life is easier. Despite all these things I was lonely for a long time. Like my personality, or the exagerated version of me was a shield. It let very few people in....

    I travelled the world, I built a business in Australia. I made a few million dollars. It became clear that that wouldn't make me happy and that I needed to be a better father to my son. I was a great dad with the huge exception of always somewhere else...I moved to a city where I knew no one save my son and his mother (we hadn't been together for 10 years).

    There, I met and fell in love with a woman and her two children. I threw everything I was into my new little blended family. My job didn't require much effort so I spent 90% of my time with them. For 2 full years it was bliss...

    Then my business began to fail. I knew it was going to fail in the worst possible way. There is no such thing as easy money and mine came all to easily.

    Money stopped pouring in the door. I became somewhat withdrawn. My love said I was depressed. I didn't think so at the time but I think she was right.

    Instead of being a wonderful supportive partner. Someone for me to lean on a little and someone to give me strength. She pushed me down. She drifted away. Ultimately she had an emotional affair with an old boyfriend. She and the children I had come to love as my own moved out of my house and into his the very same day. I was truly depressed. I had terrible thoughts, homicidal thoughts towards this man and suicidal thoughts to end the pain I had never felt before. Thoughts I did not recognize as my own.

    She came back a few times. Once, about a month or so after we left, I had her things in a moving truck en route home. She halted the truck halfway as she had changed her mind and was going to stay with him. She had begged me, pleaded with me, just the day before to let her come back. To put our family back together. I knew I shouldn't let her come home but I agreed. She didnt even make it home.

    I was unemployed, money was draining fast, and I knew there was a terrible storm brewing on the horizon.

    I invested almost all of what I had left into a new business and got to work. I was resolved to get back to where I once was. A few months after the move back in debacle my new business partner send me a link to a news release. I had been indicted by the US government.

    Let me say now that I never viewed myself as a criminal. I still don't. That said, I knew we were in a grey area. There was risk and I decided to take that risk. I lost. The crimes I am accused of, from the Assistant US Attorney's own mouth, were victimless. No one lost money, in fact everyone around me made money. No one was harmed in any way. But, out of the many people around me, I was to be made the example. So be it.

    My love came back again shortly after. It was a surprise. Looking back, I now know she didn't do it out of love. You see, I loved her and her children with all of my heart and soul. She was a very broken bird. She came back because he left. She came back because of how much I loved her. She came back because I loved her in spite of being so broken. The problem was, I see now, she didn't love me.

    We got back and split up a million more times. Stupid me. I knew I had to get away but I couldn't find the strength. I knew eventually it would end forever but I was too weak to break the cycle.

    When the money was finally all gone. She was gone.

    I was facing 85 years in prison. Post plea I am likely going to get 3-6 months in minimum. As a convicted felon and a Canadian I will never be allowed entry into the US again after this.

    My new business is failing. I haven't made a nickel. I have a staff, a partner, an office, and no money. I am down to my last $4500 and there is no replenishment in site. Given my legal situation it is impossible to get a well paying job that I am qualified for. I am not sure how I will pay my child support.

    My story isn't as bad as yours likely is. Reading it you may think I have no right or perhaps little reason for my sadness. You are probably right but I am broken. I am alone. I'm so lonely and I am tired. I feel like maybe too tired to keep going.

    I miss my love every day. I still think about her every 5 minutes. I tried to heal from her the healthy way. I go to the gym each day. Try to work 12 hours a day. I try to spend time with some really good friends that I have. But that didn't work.

    So, I still try to do all that but now I have immersed myself in a sea of the wrong woman. Booze, coke, MDMA, Dextadrine. These things don't fill the void either. I feel hollow. I feel like my soul has been smashed into a million pieces. I feel like the good man I once was is fading away. Becoming an echo...

    Oddly, I find myself falling into a weird love with these woman. It's like I construct a false reality with them. I know it's not real and yet I love them when I am with them. I find things I love about them and I love that they love me (yes I know you don't need a Pysch PHD to figure that out...)

    They are mostly strippers. Sweet woman with broken wings of their own. They are not good for me but I try to be good to them but it's all messed up...I fuk it all up and end up hurting them. Now I have a beautiful young gold digger. She is also bad for me. She knows I'm broke but for some reason keeps hanging around- oh yah, I am handsome, charismatic, and funny. I am engaging and I see her humanity. She loves how it feels to be around me. But she doesn't know how I feel inside.

    I feel like I am becoming a bad person.

    I still miss her and the boys. I wake in the middle of the night thinking of her. She is my first thought as I wake each day.

    I shouldn't. She is a succubus. She was terrible to me. She betrayed me, turned her back on me when I needed her most, and ended the only family I think I will ever have... Why do I love her still?

    And once in awhile, I remember the legal thing. I'm pretty good at pushing that out of my mind. I owe my lawyers a 6 figure debt. They will be knocking on the door for that soon. I don't have it. If I lose these lawyers sentencing will not go nearly as well as it could. They are good. The best. But I don't lose sleep over it like I do my love. Whats the matter with me? Why do I not worry about my real problems nearly as much as I do her?

    I feel like my mind is my enemy. I resolved myself to purging her from my mind. A month ago, after she came to visit and wound up in my bed, I told her I could not see her, talk to her, text her, email her, no contact of any kind. I need to get over her. I thought that was worth a try but I can't. We started breaking up two years ago. Why does it still feel like a fresh wound? Like a fatal wound?

    I walk through the world every day pretending to be who I used to be. But I don't know if I was ever even that guy... I fake it. Sometimes I believe it. I have moments of laughter each day and they make me think I am coming back but the moment passes and my loneliness and fatigue hit me again.

    Someone once told me that there is a difference between being happy and having fun. I had a lot of fun these last 3 months but none of it made me happy. I think it had the opposite affect.

    I think of killing myself every day. I push the thoughts out in the same way I try to push her out. I do ok at it. Suicidal thoughts aren't as strong as she is yet. Nothing is.

    I was powerful. The alpha of my social circles and business relationships. I was kind, generous, and good spirited. Somehow I have let her take those things from me. I don't care about much. I just fake it.

    Every single part of my life is in critical failure but all I think of is her. I feel empty, alone, and tired of it all. I really don't want to do this anymore. I don't. But I get up each day and go through the motions. But I also know that my reality is about to get a lot worse. Like homeless worse possibly. And yet my mind goes to her...

    If you read this far I am very impressed. Thank you for listening to me. I'll figure this shit out. I gotta, right?

    R
     
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    R

    I read all the way to the end - as will many people here. I am glad you found us, glad you shared. You will figure it out - you are clearly a strong caring person and I am sorry that your life has disintegrated so badly. I know about making bad choices and trying to fill spaces that cannot be filled - many people here do. Please stick around and keep talking. Maybe hop into chat if you are able.
    More importantly - try to take care of yourself. I know it is hard, especially when you feel so badly. You can rebuild your life - or as you put it "figure this shit out". I am sending you hugs and good thoughts - stay safe and please feel free to send me a private message any time you wish to talk.
     
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