just need to tell someone

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by PIPSQUEAK5757, Mar 31, 2014.

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  1. PIPSQUEAK5757

    PIPSQUEAK5757 New Member

    For many years I was able to lock all the bad away and just ignore it. I know that it was and is eating me alive but there was so much pain. I lost my mom at 7 and my dad raised us, we had an aunt who would watch us and her husband was abusing us. Then when I was 12 we moved away for 1 year and my father was killed in a truck accident, so my grandmother got custody of us but she had favorites and it was not me. So after I refused to live with her my other aunt took me in. I did not know her because years before my older sister lived with them and accused my uncle of molesting her. It caused a rift in the family and my aunt and dad never spoke again. My sister was of age by this time and she tried to kidnap me. I now know she was trying her best to protect me. I called her a liar. I never got to tell her how sorry I was, how wrong I was! For not a year into my living with them he did molest me. It took me 3 days but I told my aunt, she called my cousin who was an adult down to her house (my uncle was at a union meeting) they made me tell them everything and then they made me choose between telling them that it was a dream or I could not live there. I had no where else to go so eventually I gave in and said it was a dream, I was then punished by not being aloud to spend x-mas with them. When I became an adult I tried to find my sister, 2 years ago I found her death certificate on ancestry.com, I will never get to say how sorry I am to her and tell her I love her, she died alone with no family, all because she told the truth and they wouldn't let us see her. So started a cycle. It seems that every job I have had there is some man that knows that I can not stop him from saying and doing sexually harassing things to me. My youngest sister who got stuck staying with my grandmother was raped by the first uncle who molested us. She was 11, my grandmother said she seduced him. My other older sister who was my mothers child only was beaten and molested by my own dad. I could go on for pages all the things that happened to us as children. In the end we were all separated including my brother and we were not aloud to see each other. Though we have since found each other again it is painful when we come together because we all have so much we deal with. I am the caregiver, though this is good in some ways I have a problem telling people no and will end up taking care of others at the expense of my own mental health. I feel the guilt of all that was done to us even though I realize I was a child and could not have stopped any of it. I have been at this job for 7 years now and for 7 years there was a man there that was sexually harassing me. it started with notes and then he was leaving things in my car and for the last 2 years he was exposing himself to me on the floor where we work. There were several touching incidents as well. I was going to quietly change shifts because where I work it goes on all the time and everytime they have done nothing about it. Recently I confided in a co-worker and another co-worker eased-dropped on the conversation. She asked me about it and even though I was furious I glazed over it with her and told her I had it handled. She went to a union steward and told him and he went to the president of the union and told him and they talked to the man and never told me, well of course I found out because the woman came to me and told me what they had done. It was a mess and still is. The plant manager and the forman confronted me when I brought in a note from the doctor saying that for my mental health I needed to be on the other shift. The forman basically called me a liar by telling me that 2 of my female friends were being put back on the other shift, like I was making it up so I could be with them. When they forced me to turn over the notes to them he refused to read them but then he did believe but they never had any intention of firing him. He ended up quitting over FMLA and 4 days later his baby girl who was 7 months old died from injuries when her mother was pregnant and a car hit her. Now half the plant is blaming me because they only know parts of the story. I need this job, I make really good money here and there aren't many jobs out there where I live. I have a disabled daughter who I support plus my son is in college. I am so sorry I went on for so long but just knowing someone else is going to at least read this, even if I cant say most of it aloud makes it seem not so bad or me so alone. For so many years I have not been able to say it, or tell anyone. Most of the people in my family are gone now and it greatly hurts me that it was never acknowledged by any of them. A few years ago my adult cousin actually had the nerve to ask me if her dad actually did what I said and when I told her yes many times after as well all she could say was sorry he did that. What about the fact you were an adult and I was a child and I did tell and you let it continue? Why is it that we are all the black sheep of the family when you all did or allowed those things to happen to us? Where is the responsibility for what all of them ignored? You all wonder why we all have so many problems? Well you caused them! Why is it that we all pay the penalty for your actions? Thanks for letting me rant on for so long! I just needed to tell someone who is not apart of this mess and will not judge me. I know that the pain is not going to go away, but maybe I can get it all shoved back into the little box again.
     
  2. soulreaper

    soulreaper Well-Known Member

    glad you wrote this, sometimes its good to air out our feelings. :hug:
     
  3. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    Thanks for sharing Pipsqueak

    tc

    :freehug:
     
  4. Kairo

    Kairo Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you got to say all that. For some of us there are so many things that it feels like we will never truly get closure on, so many injustices and unanswered questions. So all you can really sometimes is let it out and hope that it helps a little... I do hope it helped you a bit to get it out there, and to know that those who read this acknowledge the realness of your abuse and the validity of all that you're feeling.
    I also hope this site can bring you some support, and a chance to speak about this if you want.

    Welcome, and well wishes :hug:
     
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