Just need to vent :(

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by FallingStar, Oct 14, 2008.

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  1. FallingStar

    FallingStar Member

    Hey,
    My name is "sara" I am a sophmore in hs and suffering alot! I have been depressed for a while, after a year or two of it depression was just as normal to me as breathing. My parents divorced when I was 5 (1998), my first memory was a fight they had, I wish I never remembered it and I wish I had good first memories. My dad remarried to "Caitlin" in 2000. She is absouetly awful to me. She emotionally abuses me practically every day saying things like "You little shit" and "You are a fuckin bitch" those are probably the nicest things she has said to me though. My dad followed in her footsteps, and puts me down ALOT! My school work is never good enough and he is never proud of me. In 2001 my grandma passed away (she was a heavy smoker) and in 2004 (I was 11) my best friend that I had known for 5 years passed away of SUDS, he was 15 and had everything going for him. I still am not over it. After his death things just kinda went down hill from there. My school work kept slipping and 2 of my distant aunts died and a close uncle died. All within the course of 2 years. About 2 years ago, my dad sued my mom for custody of me. It was the worst 5 months of my life! He constantly kept telling me why he was better then my mom and twisted everything I said around like if I said "'Well i am not sure if I want to do this or not" what he heard was "I hate my mom I want to live with you" I never felt more torn between anybody then I did that summer. The court day was officially scheduled 2 days before my birthday. And I told the judge I wanted to keep things the way they were (cuz I was so confused and upset I didnt know what I wanted). My dad didnt talk for me for two week after that and still hates me for that decison. Highschool hit finally, and freshmen year was ok. This past summer I lost my best friend caitlin, cuz she just finally decided she wasn't good enough for me anymore. And I met this guy, really nice at first and caring. He was my first to kiss and I was mad at him one day cuz of something stupid, he came up to my school during my lunch break and said sorry to me for it, 5 sec later I saw him making out with some one else. I gave him hell when school got out that day and we didnt talk for two weeks. Finally a friend request on myspace and on yahoo from him. He appolgized for letting things get out of hand between us and like a min after he said that he said that I am a pschyo bitch, a liar and emo. So I just stopped talking to him. And a couple days later he ims me telling me "You better not fu***n key my car or I will beat your a**" that was before the game that night and at the game that night the other woman he was making out with threatned me. And the next day she came up to me wanting to know what I have been saying about her behind her back. I told her nothing and she doesnt belive me. She hasnt said anything to me since but, I have left it alone. And my friend Tina in my 3rd hour saw that I was on myspace in class and that I know "Carrie" and she said her friend "Mark" likes her alot. So she gave me his number to give to her and I texted him that evening cuz I was bored. I thought we were good friends but, all the sudden I get a myspace message from Tinas bf saying that Mark is lieing to me and he hates me and thinks Im obssessed with him. Mark said that it wasnt true and tinas bf was just putting words in his mouth. So I kept getting hate mail from Tinas bf. And finally I said to Mark that when things get ressolved between him and tinas bf and they both can come up with one story and agree on it then to let me know until then we cant be friends. And today, I get a message from tinas bf saying that Mark was just lieing to me and prentending the act the way he was so that I would brag about it to carrie, so she would want to go out with him.
    Idk, I just blame myself for everything and having people that I think that care about me just end up hurting me has taken a big toll on me

    I am seriously thinking about suicide
    Last time I attempted it but it didnt kill me and I was glad about it but right now I wish it did :(

    Any supportive words would be great thought I need something to smile about something to keep me going.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 14, 2008
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    It sounds like your friends are still immature. You don't need all that drama. I would just dump them and make new friends. It definitley isn't worth commiting suicide over. All you would be doing is giving them the satisfaction of knowing they had that much power over you.
    See if there are any groups you could join at school. and maybe check with your local hospital and find out if there any support goups you could attend. It will help you to learn to cope with assholes like your so called friends. You are very welcome here at the forum. You have come to the right place to get support and advice. Sometimes it is slow going for people to get back to you, so don't think you are being ignored. Maybe go into the chat room and talk to people there. Good Luck To You!!!~Joseph~
     
  3. Xenos

    Xenos Well-Known Member

    I think you could try and start over.. make new friends, start new goals that go towards improving your life. It doesn't have to involve making your parents proud, impressing someone, etc. just for YOU only. The nice part is that when you accomplish a goal, simple or hard, you can choose to reward yourself with... say candy, and you'll eventually see the potential you can really have in you.

    As for parents... Learn to stand firm in front of the abusiveness so you can have a strong mental mind. I've had to do that with my parents... ignore, control my temper, etc. It's sorta hard at first because I've never really done it before, but when I kept doing it, I could focus on important things like school a better than lamenting how much bad things happened to me.

    I'm really sorry for all that's happened to you.. :hug: Come on to SF whenever you feel down! =D Good luck with everything... Hope all goes well for you. =)
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you are going through this...about your step-thing...do not listen to her...anyone who has to treat another in that way has way too many issues to be of value...you have so much you are going through that it is no wonder you feel overwhelmed...is there a professional (eg counselor, pastor, social worker) you can talk to?...also, please find ppl here with whom you can share...again, sorry things have been so painful; PM me if I can support you...big hugs, J
     
  5. palmtrees

    palmtrees Well-Known Member

    What's up FallingStar.

    High school is a bitch. No disrespect to the previous posters but it's not that simple to just dump all your friends and make new ones. Maybe over the course of a year or so (especially at school where you have the opportunities to meet a lot more people), but it takes some time. Also when you're depressed it's very hard to think long term, you just want something that will make you feel better RIGHT NOW...

    I had maybe one or two good friends through all of high school, most of the time I was by myself avoiding people and I started having suicidal thoughts in 11th grade. I ended up joining the track and cross country teams because I ran a lot by myself. I am so glad I took the chance to join because I almost avoided it like most other things. It gave me something to occupy my time and a way to feel good about myself, it's definitely one of my best memories about HS.

    So yeah, if you can join a sport or a club. It doesn't even have to be at your school, just pick something you like or have always wanted to try and sign up for lessons somewhere (dancing, singing, weightlifting, kickboxing, endless possibilities). You might meet some new friends, or you might find a talent that will build your confidence. I really regret not doing more extracurricular activities, basically I was shy to the 10th power at that point and I thought everyone hated me or looked down on me, later I realized how far off that was from reality, there were tons of opportunities for me to connect with people, I just didn't see it when they happened. I would definitely do it over.

    Finally, don't worry too much about any particular boy right now. High school boys are some of the biggest retards on the planet. As long as you keep up a decent circle of friends there will always be a next guy. And look in the places you wouldn't expect (i.e. not the super-popular loud bragging new girlfriend every month types). A lot of the girls I wouldn't have given the time of day to in HS turned out to be incredibly hot and interesting years later. Try and find what nobody else can see.

    Hope some of this helps your thoughts.
     
  6. Bleedingroses

    Bleedingroses Member

    i may not no you but i love you ok you shouldnt have to deal with this u can vent to me and ill listen to all you have to say :smile:
     
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