About a month ago a psychiatrist gave me an <mod edit - methods> prescription for bipolar disorder. I was having psychosis and severe agitation issues. I started taking the medication and it worked for the psychosis and agitation, my mind cleared up to the point that it was almost unnervingly quiet. But then the clearer my mind was, the more clearly I could reflect on my life, both past and present, and I started to become extremely depressed. I felt like I had traded agitation for depression. So I decided to try taking the medication once every couple or few days. I guess I was hoping for just enough stuff in my head to distract me from my life and my past but not enough stuff in my head to make me unable to function. It didn't work out so hot and instead I just kept getting increasingly depressed and I now realize that I haven't been taking my medication for about two weeks. I've been feeling extremely suicidal but in a very quiet way. I don't want to take the medication because I have been saving it up, I realize. <mod edit - method>But to be honest I don't think I really want to die. I just want out of my current life and can't see any way to escape. I have the monthly appointment with my psychiatrist in a couple days and I'm very nervous. I don't want to be dishonest but I also don't want her to be upset with me or to not trust me. I wouldn't trust me, either, but I still don't want her to not trust me. I'm also not sure I really want help, because no matter what medication I take, I will still be stuck in the same life. I am also afraid she will try to have me put in the hospital, but if I have to be hospitalized then my mother will probably get rid of my dog while I am not at home, and then I would definitely not be able to go on. If I lie and act like everything is fine, the psychiatrist will refill my prescription and then I will have enough. But if I commit suicide, I am sure my mother will doing something horrible to my dog. I feel too guilty to abandon my dog, but it doesn't stop all the suicidal thoughts, it just makes me feel even more terrible. I feel like I can't really win. This medication works, but then when my mind is not full of chaos and nonsense to distract me, it is like my shield is gone and reality is burning my skin off. And there is no way that I can be there for my dog, because whether I get sent to the hospital or die, my mother will do something bad to my dog. I feel so guilty and horrible sometimes my dog is in my lap and I can see how much he trusts me and I start crying.