Just needed a vent I guess.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by simplyme, Nov 7, 2007.

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  1. simplyme

    simplyme New Member

    Not too sure where you want me to post this..but hey, the thoughts are there so I guess it can be posted here.

    I'm 24 years old, and I've been suicidal since I was 15. 9 years of thoughts, 3 actual attempts and a slew of SI behaviors and "hey, let's do this and see if I survive or not." I'm not as depressed as I was before, so why then do I still think this?

    I'm married, I'm in graduate school, I have jobs I love and I'm working my fuzzy little tail off to get to a place I want to be at. I'm not financially stable, but student loans keep me from worrying too much about it now. Everything's going well, I feel better, so why do I still want to die?

    I stopped attempting because I reasoned myself out of it, I wasn't going to try until I failed every other option and then I woudn't try, I'd succeed. I stopped SI because I got married 2 years ago, it hurt her too much to see it. Did I just miss a step inbetween where stopping the behavior was supposed to translate to stopping wanting the behavior?

    I've tried therapy 3 times, I never last longer than a couple months in it. I sabatage myself and limited time and resources send me seeking places I know wont be able to help. My last therapist saw me twice, the first day I talked to her about everything, how I had been feeling and how I had these thoughts almost constantly at times even though I didn't want to act on them. The second session she told me how brave and strong I had been, and that she was a student and not equiped to handle me.

    Is there ever recovery, or is it constant remission? Am I actually doing better, or am I lying to myself so much that all I can see are half the symptoms? I'm functioning better, I want to live my life. Why do I want to die?

    I know a lot is avoidance. A lot is overthinking. A lot is lack of knowing how else to deal, knowing what else I can do. The sad thing is, I know what I can do. Common sense, self help books, psychological reasoning and interventions, all that jazz. But it doesn't help. I can CBT and rationalize myself to death. I can blame my parents from here til Sunday. I can get on with my life and keep functioning until it all overflows like it's doing here. I don't want to. I don't want to feel like I want to die almost every frikken day. I don't want to feel like crying when my wife tries to complement me sometimes because I can't handle it and I can't tell her no because she gets upset that I don't believe it. I don't want to be in this much pain without a cause for the pain. Pain was manageable when I was causing it, when I had the direct connection, now everything's better, but I still hurt. I hadn't SI'd in almost 2 years, I sat there one night when my wife was out and wanted to scream because I tried and realized it still has the same "benifits" that it did when I was doing it every day. The same feelings, the same rewards.

    I don't want to lose myself again and lose everything I have. I don't want to exist feeling like I've already lost it all even when it's right in front of me.

    Sorry for such a long pointless post.....
  2. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni


    No need to apologise for posting.. and it certainly wasn't a pointless post. I'm glad that you shared what's going on for you with us, and hope that it helped to do so.

    I'm afraid i dont have the answers to your questions, but i certainly sense and share your frustration and confusion. It's really hard to 'get better'.. but really, having suicidal thoughts, or self harming etc. is something that you have been doing for a long time now. It's almost like a coping mechanism for survival. So it's understandable and normal that at times you go back to that way of thinking, and get urges to do both. The trick is to work on the feelings (as you are aware) and find different, healthier ways of coping (I say it as though it's really easy, but i do realise it's not).

    Sorry to hear about your experiences with counsellors. I think you did incredibly well to share all you did with the counsellor.. and i have to say that i feel angry with that counsellor for not telling you at the time that she was not trained enough. She shouldn't have waited until the next week.. Anyway, would you consider counselling again? I'm just thinking that if you did, maybe you could see someone who definitely is trained, accredited with a committee and has lots of experience with clients (these are something i look for in therapists). If you're in the UK there is the 'British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy', which offers accredited counselling services. On their website (http://www.bacp.co.uk/) you can do a search for people in your area, compare them, see prices and contact them etc).

    I'm glad that you have a caring wife and job that you enjoy.. both of those sound incredibly positive. And at the same time I do hear that just because you have these things, it doesn't mean that you're 'cured'. I wish it were that simple... but please don't be so hard on yourself. I think you made a good decision when you decided not to kill yourself until you've failed at every other option. I hope though, that you will continue trying at every other option! You are doing a fantastic job of things already.. you have the strength within yourself so please do not give up! It's ok to slip up and to have urges, etc. as i said before, i think these are natural seeing as they have formed part of your survival coping mechanisms for so long; but please give yourself time.. and good on you for recognising that you sabotage yourself! Sounds like you have great self awareness.. keep hold of that and remember you're not alone :)

    PM me anytime
    Jenny x
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