It's 4:30pm on the 15th of November 2006... and I can't stop thinking of the past, really need to talk right now, face to face would be better and to her would be perfect. But posting here for now will have to do. Two years and about a month ago I was probably about as depressed as I have now sunken back down into, then i met her, everything seemed to change. Her smile, the way she looked at me, it filled me with hope and joy, made me feel worthwhile, special, needed and wanted, things that now feel so impossible to fill my heart again... and even though my mind knows it is reasonable to assume they might my heart feels irrepairably shattered into a million fragments and shards. I loved her, love her and it seemed to take so little time for her to push me aside... I remember the time i tried to open up to her, I half mumbled to her about everything, how i felt.. what i did... and then curled up into a ball and cried, but it didn't matter to her, she never judged me or even mentioned it again. I'd give so much for one more day with her and give everything to travel back two years ago to this precise moment... the moment we first kissed. I'll never forget her, but i know i have to move on, it just seems so hard to... I know I've been moaning about this a lot recently it's just sometimes I've been to the point of taking to the blade again and .. it just seems impossible to get the motivation to do anything anymore. Looking back over the last 18 years depresses me, how stupid i've been, how much i put up with, so many regrets, she was the only thing i don't regret, so why is she doing her best to change that?