Just needed to express my thoughts somewhere.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by deadgiveaway, Apr 8, 2007.

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  1. deadgiveaway

    deadgiveaway New Member

    I don't know what I am trying to accomplish by posting this thread. I guess I just feel like I don't know where else to type this. If I write in my journal, in a way that will make me feel even more alone.

    I am just... very tired, both physically and mentally. I do not know what to do anymore. I am scared to start seeing a therapist, even though I feel that it would help. I almost did, but realized that I was not ready for it. I am sick of having my mood change so quickly between extremes. I am sick of sort of having a shadow cast over my life. There are moments during which I feel happy, but at night when I am home alone I always end up feeling low again. I fantasize about overdosing on pills, partly just for the attention and to know that people are actually concerned, but I know that it is not as simple as it sounds. I do not hate life; I think life is beautiful, actually, but no matter what I do, I still feel so hopeless. I know there are things to look forward to, but I find that with time, even they do not give me much to live for. I do not have a lot of close friends, and I have a complicated relationship with my best friend, and I just feel reluctant to talk to him about how I feel. I guess I hold back from confiding in people because no matter what, I am afraid of what people will think. I do not want to push them away or make them feel uncomfortable, nor do I want to burden them with my problems. I also have an eating disorder - I seem embrace it when I am at my lowest points and when I am angry. I feel like a failure for letting an eating disorder run my life, but when I give in to my urges and do not notice any progress, I feel like a failure as well. I hate this cycle, but in a way it is a refuge. And in a twisted way, sometimes when I am starving myself, I feel that I am doing so to get back at other people. I guess it is another part of my wanting attention.

    I just feel that this will never end. I am still pretty young, but I have been going through this for years, and I just do not see myself getting better. I feel guilty for feeling this way, when many others have it worse than I do. I have two parents who are alive and well, my family make do financially, I have all my body parts, I do have some friends... I try to appreciate what I have, but I always seem to want more. More of what, I don't even know.

    I think about suicide a lot and at times really do feel like I could just end it all right then and there, but deep inside I know I could never do this to my family. I guess in that way they are saving me, but I also feel like I am living just for them and not for myself, and that makes me feel worse. No matter how advice I give myself, about taking it one day at a time and that it will get better, it really hurts.

    Again, I am not sure what I am looking for by posting this thread. I guess I just needed to share my feelings with those who will most understand. Thank you for taking the time to read this. :)
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 8, 2007
  2. beautifuloblivion

    beautifuloblivion Well-Known Member

    I’m glad you shared that with us, deadgiveaway. :hug: Sometimes it helps just to get things out. Don’t feel guilty about the way you feel. Even when everything in life seems to be going well, depression can still hit pretty hard. :sad:

    I know that going to a therapist for the first time can be difficult and scary, but it turned out to be one of the best things I did for myself. It‘s a big step and sometimes there is no “ready”--sometimes you just have to jump in. But it seems that you want help and believe a therapist can help you, so I think you are ready and you should definitely give it a shot. Everything you tell him/her is completely confidential, so you don't have to worry about what other people will think. Take care and let us know how you’re doing. :hug:
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