I don't know what I am trying to accomplish by posting this thread. I guess I just feel like I don't know where else to type this. If I write in my journal, in a way that will make me feel even more alone. I am just... very tired, both physically and mentally. I do not know what to do anymore. I am scared to start seeing a therapist, even though I feel that it would help. I almost did, but realized that I was not ready for it. I am sick of having my mood change so quickly between extremes. I am sick of sort of having a shadow cast over my life. There are moments during which I feel happy, but at night when I am home alone I always end up feeling low again. I fantasize about overdosing on pills, partly just for the attention and to know that people are actually concerned, but I know that it is not as simple as it sounds. I do not hate life; I think life is beautiful, actually, but no matter what I do, I still feel so hopeless. I know there are things to look forward to, but I find that with time, even they do not give me much to live for. I do not have a lot of close friends, and I have a complicated relationship with my best friend, and I just feel reluctant to talk to him about how I feel. I guess I hold back from confiding in people because no matter what, I am afraid of what people will think. I do not want to push them away or make them feel uncomfortable, nor do I want to burden them with my problems. I also have an eating disorder - I seem embrace it when I am at my lowest points and when I am angry. I feel like a failure for letting an eating disorder run my life, but when I give in to my urges and do not notice any progress, I feel like a failure as well. I hate this cycle, but in a way it is a refuge. And in a twisted way, sometimes when I am starving myself, I feel that I am doing so to get back at other people. I guess it is another part of my wanting attention. I just feel that this will never end. I am still pretty young, but I have been going through this for years, and I just do not see myself getting better. I feel guilty for feeling this way, when many others have it worse than I do. I have two parents who are alive and well, my family make do financially, I have all my body parts, I do have some friends... I try to appreciate what I have, but I always seem to want more. More of what, I don't even know. I think about suicide a lot and at times really do feel like I could just end it all right then and there, but deep inside I know I could never do this to my family. I guess in that way they are saving me, but I also feel like I am living just for them and not for myself, and that makes me feel worse. No matter how advice I give myself, about taking it one day at a time and that it will get better, it really hurts. Again, I am not sure what I am looking for by posting this thread. I guess I just needed to share my feelings with those who will most understand. Thank you for taking the time to read this.