Just needed to talk it out

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by CyanideMuffin, Nov 26, 2007.

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  1. CyanideMuffin

    CyanideMuffin Member

    Well,as you can see i'm new here. Im writting just to talk it out, no one has halped me so far, but this is my story:

    My name is Darla and i am 20 years old.

    I dont know where to start but ill just start typing all i got to say.

    First i couldnt look myself in the mirror since i had an aweful allergy due to a stupid cream i used, then i stoped looking my refection in mirrors, windows, tables, spoons, etc because i tought i was horrible. A year and a few months passed after that and i was so desperate that i asked my mom for help. i told her i needed to see a therapist because i couldnt look myself in the mirror and i was sick of it.

    She called my ex-therapist (who i saw when i was a teenager because i had anger problems) and she said thet she couldnt see me anymore cause she was full of work, so she recommended me one of her friends.

    This new therapist told me that we would try to fix my problem in 3 months or else i had to see a psychiatrist; 3 months passed and i went to that psychiatrist and then i had more problems: an eating dissorder near to anorexia or bulimia but not that nig yet, anxiety problems, self hate problems, depression and body dysphormic dissorder, so she gave me a prescription for antidepressants or something (i never saw the prescription). My parents didnt want to admit i had a major problem and they didnt trust the psychiatrist so i am in therapy with another man who is analizing me so he gives teh final result. I hate myself so much, i cut my arms with anything metallic its the only way i can make sure this is actually happening, ive thought of suicide so many times but i havent commited it because even though i have nothing big to live for i still have a little hope; if not i would be dead by now.

    I dont know why am i depressed, i have everything someone could ask for: my parents get me what i want most of the times, i have a good life to some point, school sucks to me because i feel like if everyone hated me, i even have a list of people who i think that hate me, everyday that passes i feel worse, i cant sleep anymore as i would like to, i cant focus on anything, i cant be in a place with people because my anxiety goes out and may end up in a sea of tears which no one would be able to stop, i cant be fine somewhere if i dont wear my sunglasses and a scarf which cover my eyes and mouth.

    Im sick and tired of this, just time can tell.

    By the way one of my friends in school is finding out about my problem, and i try to pretend everything's ok, so that, that means i have a major problem.
  2. JayJay

    JayJay Well-Known Member


    I was saddened to read your post. It's so clear that you have been and are still going through such a hard time. I am pleased to hear that you are still living with your parents and that you do indeed have family around you. It's true that we all don't often agree with some of the things that our parents do and say, but I am sure that they do love you and that they want to protect you. From your message, you say that you have friends at school and that you pretend that everything is ok . . . I think that we all do that at times. I think that we call that "Putting a front on", which is only natural as you are defensive of yourself. That is a good thing.

    Be proud of yourself. You have done so well just to make it here and talk to us. We are all very much the same and we all have various problems that we talk about here. We are not strangers . . . Just think of us as friends that you have not met.

    How has your night been . . . . have you been speaking to any of your friends ?

    Take care

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