Just needed to vent

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ShoegazeDaydream, Sep 11, 2016.

  1. ShoegazeDaydream

    ShoegazeDaydream ~Kid at Heart~

    I know I've been venting and posting so much lately. Think I have a lot of anger inside of me based on how people have been treating me. That's the honest truth. I'm not going to sugar coat this and lie anymore. I'm very very angry with the abuse, being bullied and how everyone abandoned me when I got sick. I had a Facebook and I reached out to my "so called friends" who I thought were my friends and a lot of them weren't there for me. Some of them even told me to just be happy or just move on past it. So many people say that to me.

    "Just be happy! Stop being sad!" When all inside all I felt was pain and sadness. Anytime I tried to reach out and find people to talk too nobody truly care me much support. Not even my own family gave me support and I find that very sad. Sometimes I have to fake my happiness around them and act like everything is fine. I can't let it go about the surgeries and how all I did was lay in bed, take my medication, cry, think how I was going to die and think to myself, "How did I get precancer?" I even talk to random people because my own family won't even listen to me or talk to me. Feel like I can't talk to them or open up to them about anything. The minute I open up to them and try to talk to them, they give me no emotional support at all. None. So it seems like I have to do it myself. The friends I thought were my friends weren't even there for me either. I didn't expect them to do everything for me, I just wanted them to talk to me or check up on me and ask me if I was okay from time to time. I'm an understanding person. I know people have lives and have things to do. Them not even doing that truly hurt me and made me severely depressed. It made me feel like my life was worthless and that nobody truly cared about me at all. I survived the precancer and I got checked out by my doctor. When my mother got the card in the mail and everything was fine I had an emotional break down and cried so hard because I was worrying so much that I would get precancer on my cervix again. I still remember when she told me I had it, I heard my mother start crying and I told my doctor I gave up smoking. She told me that was good and she told me if I wanted to drink, to not drink a lot. So I plan to not drink at all. I never want this ever coming back to me ever again. I'm never smoking cigarettes either. It was very close to turning to Cervical Cancer and this is what shook me and made me look at the world differently.

    After the store I looked at the cars driving past us and looking at kids laughing and playing with toys. Even though I survived it I still gave them a smile. I believe people see the sadness by just looking at me. Yes I know I survived it and it didn't even stop there. I ended up getting Kidney Stones and that was so painful and I felt as if I was being punished. Now I just want to heal from all of this. I'm just not sure how long it's going to take and my self esteem is still low from the abuse I went through. There's a lot of healing and things I need to get past. I'm just not sure how long it's going to take. I'm just really angry inside by how I got treated by people in the past and how people abandoned me when I got sick. That's all I needed to say.
  2. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I'm glad you have a safe place to vent here. I went through all of that too where "friends" told me to just go out for a walk, make the choice to be happy or compare myself to the homeless people in Africa...these are just dismissals from people who simply don't want to hear it. So I stopped confiding in anyone who knew me and only confided in people anonymously or with a therapist. I couldn't stand the rejection anymore. I too am very understanding and forgiving, but you reach a point where the anger builds up too much. I read your story previously, but don't remember if you mentioned seeing a therapist or not. To be honest, it took me about eight years to feel better after the worst of my depression. During that time I talked talked talked to the therapist and online. I tried so hard to get it all out of my system because I didn't want to live a life of anger and resentment. I read a lot of inspirational books too. I know this sounds cynical, but I learned that you can't really rely on anyone but yourself in this very selfish and cruel world we live in.
  3. ShoegazeDaydream

    ShoegazeDaydream ~Kid at Heart~

    Yes I'm starting to realize that people are selfish. Even when I posted on an website where I was talking about my abuse. I kept venting and venting and venting and realized how nobody truly cared and the depression grew even more and the anger inside of me grew even more because I started to realized that not many people honestly didn't care. It's kinda sad, but true. A lot of people keep telling me that they care, yet sometimes I just don't feel it because so many people disappointed in the end. Also not many people know what to say either or simply don't know what to say. Once I was crying and one of my friends asked me, "What's wrong?" I never told them in the end what was wrong because honestly I didn't think they would truly care anyways or knew what to say. I always end up helping people and giving people advice and in the end people always end up taking me for granted or walking all over me because I'm so nice and caring. I'm tired of people taking advantage of my kindness or walking all over me. Before I was only a little bit depressed. Now I'm severely depressed based on how people has treated me. I see a therapist and I talk to her a lot. She does help me whenever I do go see her. When I cry I usually like to be left alone because I hate being a burden on people, I truly do. So yes I do agree with you on that one. And this is also true to: 20 % of people don't care and 80% of people are glad you have those problems.
    Frances M likes this.
  4. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I like that, it's realistic. But I would say that maybe a sliver of a percent cares...we just can't find them! ;)

    Even though I find that others don't really care about my problems, I still find comfort trying to help other people. I'm not the volunteer do-gooder type at all, but for example, here on the forum, I try to offer my support, suggestions and experience to help others see beyond the current crisis a little bit. Overall that helps me to feel better about myself. I have a great amount of self-respect and dignity and I love the fact that I'm sensitive, caring and understanding, I like that about myself. There will always be people taking advantage of that, so that's how I learned to rely on me for happiness and love. It's nice to have a boyfriend who is loving in my life, but overall, I only depend on me to really feel better. Otherwise, I am too vulnerable, but I've accepted that and over the years have built my life that way. And I cry alone too, it's a stress release for me.