Just Not Coping

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ghostgirlanonymous, Jun 1, 2011.

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  1. I am not coping. I cannot even function normally in society. I cannot do this. My therapist dumped me when I attempted suicide 2 weeks ago and she was my only support. Now I feel all alone again and all the work I did for three years with her is gone. I am a horrible person. I am. I have done things so wrong to others, to myself, to my husband. I am so tired. I feel like God hates me. I have begged and pleaded for him to just let me die, give me cancer, I don't care. Let.me.go. Every day I wake up feels like I am mowing throw molasses. I have failed life, death, marriage, therapy. I am a horrible daughter, sister, cousin, aunt, friend.

    I'm not writing this so people will write back, "oh no you're not...you're a great person!" This is not a plea for attention. I just feel so useless. Every single day my sins are piling up and God is counting them against me, waiting for me to die so he can just laugh while he casts me into hell.

    I have plans but I feel too scared they won't work and I'll end up inpatient again. I can't go through that another time. I have been stripped of most of my freedom (my mother-in-law is here babysitting me while my husband works). I feel like maybe I should just be permanently committed to some state ward and forgotten about. That's what I deserve.:sad:
  2. marmite

    marmite Active Member

    You do not deserve all this at all.you need to go and see your doc and tell him how depressed you are,if not talk to soeone or chat on here.People here understand i have felt that way and am now glad I didn't do anything the times I did I really regret.please don't go down that pathway.hoping to hear from you again very soon.:pm::IrishDoll:
  3. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    The therapist should never have left you hun. Im sorry you are struggling xx you are not alone honey .xxx much love to you xxx
  4. Thank you for the kind words. I just can't feel anything good about myself at all. I know I sound crazy. The fact that I cant even function is looming over my head. My husband is fed up with me and my mother-in-law criticizes every move I make. I just feel like everyone would be better off without me interferring in their lives...costing them money and stress.:sad: I don't want to go back inpatient. I can't. The psych ward doesn't help me AT ALL. It made things so much worse. So.much.worse. I just feel like there is no help for me.
  5. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    there is help hun we can learn to function together ! i am also married and i have 2 children but most of the time i have no clue what on earth im doing ! we will get there you are more than worth the effort ! just rememer its not your fault and you are worth it ! xxx
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    When they put you on the psych ward was it at your hospital or the state run one?? Theres a difference is why I ask..Your local hospital shouldn't be so bad.. They have floor techs to watch out for you..The doctor comes in once a day and you see a therapist once a day..The rest of the time you are either waiting or attending groups..I recommend takeing a book..If you want help this is the first step..They will set you up with a therapist when you get out..Please don't be afraid..I have been in there ten times..Think about it o.k.??
  7. I have been in three different local private hospitals and they were all horrible experiences. :(
  8. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    What fucking therapist bails on you because you need help? God, the mental health world is so fucked up. He/she should have at least referred you to someone else if they didn't feel comfortable working with a suicidal patient. So goddamned backwards.

    There's nothing worse than wanting to commit suicide and not being able to do it because of a feeling of obligation toward family. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to think--I think it, too--and even though it hurts like hell, it feels like there's no way out.

    It sounds to me like you're suffering, but not exactly actively suicidal. So, we need to think of ways to alleviate your suffering.

    I'd recommend finding some other therapist. It's a chance shot, as is with the case every time one looks for a therapist or counselor, but I think it's very important you have someone you can trust is looking out for your best interests at all times. This forum is a good start, but it doesn't replace a real therapist, one who isn't a total idiot. I also think it might help to alleviate your husband's frustrations. Your therapist can help you speak with him, either in or out of the office, so you can express to him that you're suffering. It's not your choice, and you wish you didn't have to suffer, but the fact is that you are, and you need help to alleviate it.

    Attempting suicide again is also an option, but as you said, if it fails, then you could end up in a state hospital...very unpleasant, I know. It's a bit of a catch-22, since very few suicide methods are consistently reliable. The vast majority of suicide attempts fail, and occasionally the person who tried it ends up with some kind of permanent damage, like chronic pain, paralysis, or brain damage. Not fun. It's pretty amazing what some people have survived in their attempts to end their own lives.

    But again, I think you're suffering more than suicidal. I know it won't be easy, but do you think you can make the effort to find another therapist? The benefits could be critical, in my opinion. Right now you seem to be suffering alone. I don't want you to. And it might help to alleviate some of your problems at home, like with your husband. Additionally, you'll likely be pointed toward someone who can offer psychopharmacological advice. It could help you to start an antidepressant to get your energy back, and your mood should follow.

    Does any of that make sense? What do you think?
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Your therapist should never have left you, that was a horrible thing to do when you needed help the most. I hope you can find someone like her who you trust, learn to trust again :hug:
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