Just not good enough for anyone.

[theedda]

I know. I know it's petty to complain about these things. Another 20 something guy complaining about dating, how obnoxious, right? Truthfully, I'm in no rush to be in a relationship. But I'm just sick and tired of not even having the choice.

There was this girl, not a friend but someone in the same circle of friends. If you know the type of asshole who thinks they know everything about everyone, and thinks their opinion is so important that they throw it in everyone's face, that was her.
One day I bumped into her and she just blatantly said "I look at you and just think... who are you really". I hate that someone who barely knows me can have such an effect on me, but... in this case, she was actually right. It did resonate with me. I'm... no one really.

I'm reasonably funny, but look around and there's hundreds of guys more fun and exciting than me just around the corner
I'm not bad looking, maybe even somewhat handsome, but I'm never gonna turn any heads when I walk into a room
I'm smart enough, I suppose, but no intellectual heavyweight
I'm not rich
I haven't accomplished anything of note
I don't really have much of that sex appeal or charisma that draws people to you
I'm boring
I'm not talented
I have my interests and hobbies, but I'm not particularly passionate about anything. I just don't feel it
I don't stand out much, apart from maybe my height. No cool piercings or tattoos, no large muscles, no cute dimples or features that stand out. Sure, I could change some of that to an extent. But I don't wanna be fake and force something I don't already want for myself, just to draw more attention

I see no reason any girl would be into me. Sure, girls like me, a good half or even more of my friends are female. But I don't excite anyone. I'm not stuck on anyone's mind. No one tells their friends about how much they want my attention. At best, I'm just another dick for a bored girl when they can't get the attention of more interesting men.
I just want to be wanted sometimes.

 

[Corpse bride]

Hi, I feel your words, I feel the same, just being on the other site as a woman. I was just badly let down from somebdy I truly opened my heart and life for, and it really takes a lot for me to gain trust from somebody and open up, but everytime I do I get let down again and again. And I feel the same, like people play me and they don't care about it, how I feel, how it affects me or even if I'm still alive, even I did everything to make them happy and I truly always do a lot so people feel appreciated and cherished.
Just know you're not alone, I feel very alone at the moment, specially after I had somebody to talk to for a month 24/7 and now this person just disappeard in thin air not caring about me at all and even ignoring me without any reason.

 

[Corpse bride]

And you don't seem boring, you have the talent to talk about your feelings, not many guys are able to.
Remember, the good always attracts the evil, no idea why, just figuring it out after so many years not being able to find somebody.

 

[Cagla]

Hey...you do not have to have any muscle or piercing or tattoos for someone to love you.
I have a piercing but it is not helpful :p
And it is not petty. People need love. So do you. And your heart spoke out. It is very sweet indeed.
We have just low self confidence and we tend to think we have nothing in future .
But it is a belief...
I wrote a similar thing yesterday so I know I may sound insincere.
But we FEEL this way. It doesn't mean we KNOW our future.
You are intelligent and deep as I see from your comments. And no matter how we seem or sound , we deserve love right? I don't want to sound insincere and write more on this topic because I don't believe in myself too. But I just want to put that you don't need a specific trait to be loved.
Just go on writing... It feels good while writing.

 

[Gonz]

How sure are you that what you’re feeling is true, and not your depression causing you to assume that everyone else feels the same way about you that you do?

I mean, maybe your assessment is spot on. I don’t know you, so I can’t say for sure that it’s not. But I think there’s reason to believe that your perception of yourself might be a bit distorted.

Firstly, you’re depressed. Low self esteem and being overly critical of yourself are hallmarks of depression.

You list all these reasons why you’re not the ideal guy. But here’s the thing; women’s taste in men varies a lot. Sure, there are a lucky few guys who most (though far from all) women seem to be into. But just because you’re not one of them, and very few of us are, doesn’t mean that there won’t be some women who are just as attracted to you as the rest are to those guys.

I’ll use myself as an example. You mentioned piercings and tattoos, I have some of each. To most women, this makes me less attractive than the average guy. But, to the few who do like them, my “rating” goes way up. And few, in this case, is a relative term. The point is, for the vast majority of guys it’s less about being objectively attractive (as if such a thing can be objective) and more about knowing that a certain percentage of women will be into you and your job is to figure out which ones.

And that’s the tricky part. Because women will only very rarely just come out and tell you that they’re attracted to you (yes there are those lucky few genetic freaks who probably hear it all the time, but worrying about them is like saying you can’t be well off unless you’re a billionaire). They signal it in other ways. And being depressed and having low self esteem is a great way, the best way, to ensure that you miss those signals.

You say

I don't excite anyone. I'm not stuck on anyone's mind. No one tells their friends about how much they want my attention.

But, the thing is, you don’t know that. Just ask women and they’ll tell you how utterly clueless guys can be when it comes to picking up on that stuff. And your depression has you primed to be even worse at it than most guys.

Your description of yourself, that list of things that you’re not, actually applies really well to me too. And I spent years in love with a girl who I was positive only saw me as a friend, only to find out that she’d been telling her friends almost the whole time how much she wanted my attention.

The point is, you’re not really in the best position to judge how women feel toward you. And there’s not that much reason to think that you won’t be wanted the way you want to be wanted by at least some women.

Like I said, I don’t know you in person, so maybe I’m actually wrong about all of this. But I’d be willing to bet that at least some of it applies to you.

 

[theedda]

Thanks for the answers guys

You list all these reasons why you’re not the ideal guy. But here’s the thing; women’s taste in men varies a lot. Sure, there are a lucky few guys who most (though far from all) women seem to be into. But just because you’re not one of them, and very few of us are, doesn’t mean that there won’t be some women who are just as attracted to you as the rest are to those guys.

I’ll use myself as an example. You mentioned piercings and tattoos, I have some of each. To most women, this makes me less attractive than the average guy. But, to the few who do like them, my “rating” goes way up. And few, in this case, is a relative term. The point is, for the vast majority of guys it’s less about being objectively attractive (as if such a thing can be objective) and more about knowing that a certain percentage of women will be into you and your job is to figure out which ones.

I get what you mean, and I agree. I mean, I for one have been rejected for not being "feminine" enough, for example. What I'm trying to say is, I feel like I can't even imagine being anyone's "type" if that makes sense ( I don't really know how to explain it)... Mentioning piercings and tattoos was just one example (kinda have a thing for goth girls, so was the first thing that popped into my head lol). Could have just as easily said just about anything else that, well, might make a woman like a man. The only girlfriend I've ever had liked me specifically because I was shy (even moreso than I am now), not because of the real me underneath all my anxiety, which put me in a box that I hated and wasn't healthy.

I'm not even a "plain" guy. I feel in that weird limbo where I'm too "out there" and different for the average woman, and too "normal" for the ones who want someone who stands out a bit more. At least that's how I feel from looking at how different girls have reacted to me.

The point is, you’re not really in the best position to judge how women feel toward you. And there’s not that much reason to think that you won’t be wanted the way you want to be wanted by at least some women.

Like I said, I don’t know you in person, so maybe I’m actually wrong about all of this. But I’d be willing to bet that at least some of it applies to you.

You are probably right on some level. But still bit of a Schroedinger's Cat situation almost. Maybe some women are attracted to me, maybe none are, but if I can't pick up on it anyway, then it might be either way.

 

[Gonz]

Yeah, I get what you’re saying. And it’s gonna take a hell of a lot more than someone on the internet saying “hey, maybe you’re mistaken” to change your mind. Especially when some women probably do feel about you exactly the way you think they do. But you say you can’t think of anything about you that women might like, and I’ll just point out that the stuff that they really like about guys is often stuff we never even consider.

You are probably right on some level. But still bit of a Schroedinger's Cat situation almost. Maybe some women are attracted to me, maybe none are, but if I can't pick up on it anyway, then it might be either way.

Schroedinger’s Ladyboner?

Yeah, it’s possible none of this will fall into place for you without dealing with the underlying issues. But if you can find a way to get past or at least lessen the depression (and marvel at the hypocrisy of me, of all people, telling someone to do that), it may be that you’ll get better at picking up on that stuff. I mean, I never really got the hang of it myself. I was just lucky enough to blindly stumble into the kind of relationship I always wanted.

So yeah, no real advice. Just pointing out that there are lots of guys who feel the way you do, but end up finding what it is they’re looking for eventually. Maybe that’ll help you hold out hope for the future.

 

[Endlessagony]

I can relate strongly to your post @theedda , I have major issues with my self-esteem and confidence. I've tried a lot of different things to fix it and some of it is helpful but ultimately it comes down to accepting myself. When we are not accepting of ourselves we are subconsciously seeking that from outside, you start to seek validation from the women around and that is a big turn off. You have to start with finding that love towards yourself. There is nothing wrong with you and you have lots of good qualities, the problem is that if you don't believe so you can't really show anyone else them either.

It's a long road to learn but it does get better if you work at it. Check out RSDTyler on youtube, he is a pickup artist but there are no cheesy lines or anything like that. He is great at teaching ways to build natural confidence in yourself, it is self help basically. Lots of practical advice to build it. Working out is also a great tool, not because of putting on muscles (that takes a long time anyway) but because it will flood your body with hormones that boost your well being and confidence.

You can build it so that the real you starts shining true and that is a very attractive quality. What do you think most guys do to gain the attention of women? They parade around trying to impress them by being something more than they are. A guy who can manage to be himself and actually be totally comfortable will stand out from the crowd.

There are no magic bullets but slowly and steadily working on it in a structured manner can radically change you.

 

[Miss my Happy]

Ugggghhh. Such a hard time in life in this regard. Im sorry you are feeling this way. It’s very common for a young man your age. I’m reading this and thinking....this sounds like the kind of guy I would have been interested in getting to know in my dating days. You are articulate. In touch with your emotions. Probably the type to be a good listener. Is it possible you are putting yourself out there for the wrong type of girls?You are between my two sons in age and I see that so many of the young ladies in this age group are blind to what makes a good catch. You are young and I truely believe you are going to find the one that loves all those traits on your list and the mAny more unlisted that make you-you!
Just keep being true to yourself.

 

[theedda]

Ugggghhh. Such a hard time in life in this regard. Im sorry you are feeling this way. It’s very common for a young man your age. I’m reading this and thinking....this sounds like the kind of guy I would have been interested in getting to know in my dating days. You are articulate. In touch with your emotions. Probably the type to be a good listener. Is it possible you are putting yourself out there for the wrong type of girls?You are between my two sons in age and I see that so many of the young ladies in this age group are blind to what makes a good catch. You are young and I truely believe you are going to find the one that loves all those traits on your list and the mAny more unlisted that make you-you!
Just keep being true to yourself.

Hah, judging by the comments, I think I might be more of the sensitive type than I imagined.

I don't know if I put myself out for the wrong types of girls, in so much as I don't have the opportunity to meet many girls at all right now. I don't have much of a friend circle in my home country, and things like dating sites have never gotten me anywhere. Even in university, where I had a good amount of close friends, I didn't really have much luck.

 

[Aurelia]

You know, average is actually pretty rare these days. Everyone tries their damnedest to be different from everyone else. Think about it. If you turn on the local news, what kind of stories do you hear? Something someone did that most people are never going to do in their lifetime. And the message we get from that is, "Unless I achieve something groundbreaking, do something extraordinarily shocking, or become famous, my life, as it is, isn't worth much." So knowing this, we try extra hard to do something special and unique with our lives. But the truth is, most people really are average at most things. And the best part is that by acknowledging that, it actually does make us different because while everyone else is busy trying to be someone they're not, we can simply be ourselves. And that's what's truly unique.

 

[Dawn]

That girl was a total bitch! Just be your authentic self and be comfortable with who u are because it is true that if u are it is very attractive. When we aren't, it is so obvious to others and they wonder what all is wrong. But someone who is just comfortable with themself and not trying to be somebody they aren't and confident in who they are is so attractive. It will happen for u it is just a matter of time.

 

[JuanAnchoa]

If I were a girl and were interest in having a relationship you would sound like the right man to me. Don't let her words affect you, in fact if you really believe you are nobody then there you got your opportunity: study a character and pretend to be it. It should work for at least the second date