Just not sure what is going on?

Crazy actions on my part tonight. I don't want attension. I really want the deep sleep. I do have 3-4 people that know just enough. I know methods can't be mentioned. Sometimes I think it is a crap shoot on weather I wake up.
PTSD, anxiety, depression, eating disorder, flashbacks, alcoholid/addict with over 10years plus----I will go to the permanent sleep from all my past deveilments---- disasociation---sommetimes I lose whole memories of the day....labels...labels....Guilt- Faer -shame.
Therapy twice a week for last 3ish years. Recovery meetings,Loving wife, Important job in the helping field----I want out of all of it.
I tried the psychoanaylitical---Recovery---tons of meds---cognitive behavioral----hell even the Samaritans. Hospitals all over the USA---Detox 12 times---mostly dual diagnosis---anxiety,depression, substance abuse, trauma, and eating.
I don't know if my xpectations to keep sucking air are realistic. Note---yes will leave note----Mess---NO MESS FOR LOVED ONES.
I have run out of resources,
You are some really resiliant people here---lot of pain and you are still swimming.
Iz

 

what ever yu do your wife will be left with that pain you need to hold on okay
change your meds to new ones change your therapy too but don't pass the pain onto the ones that love you.

 

I agree that your meds aren't working.. They haven't found the right combination yet..Give yourself time to explore other meds to help you find peace.. I am currently on seven different meds.. Some at the max dose..For the most part they are helping..

 

I have tried the Samaritans via email. They do listen but I might need suggestions on possible other stuff--hospitals---therapy---or just saying screw it.
My question is if I call a suicide hotline with a phone that is linked to my name will they take some action or log my name?? Do I have to go to a pay phone to remain anonymous?---Do they still have those?
I think I am going to have to leave my very public job one way or another== just not sure I'm ready for the big sleep yet---It has to be more peaceful than this---If I keep sucking air Can I collect unemployment. I am out of my home state in the USA and going down hill.
Just trying to be purposeful and grounded.
Awful things are happening and the common denominator is ME--I need to get out of this but have run out of resources...
fear/guilt/shame/paranoia/hurt/angry/lonely
Iz