Just not worth my time and effort

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jayson840, Jun 1, 2015.

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  1. jayson840

    jayson840 New Member

    Hey, I just wanted to tell you guys an issue I have in life that I don't want to talk about it to my families and my friends yet.
    I am still a student and my parents have high expectations of me. They wanted me to go to top university and get the highest scores and I do try to make sure I make them happy. But in truth, I am just an average student who tries his best but doesn't get great marks. But I still do try my best and put a lot of effort towards my work but it doesn't seem to be working well. Some times I cry because I try my best but my mom isn't happy with it. I try to hide my depression from public and act happy so people won't be worried about me but when I am at home, I just think about how I wasted my parent's money, time and efforts to give me the best and even if I get the best treatment, I am still an average. Sometimes when I am alone, I start to think about suicide which is clean and which I hope to help improve my family's financial situation. But when I do think of suicide, it brings joy and happiness to me. This has happened to me since 3 years ago.
    The biggest hit was when I got my report card, my scores fell and my mom cried at my scores, telling me I am useless and stupid. Ever since that, I thought about suicide almost every day and even to a point I nearly attempted one.
    Sometimes I feel like I am a burden in my family, getting the best but not showing the best results. I feel like my failure as a student and a son is nonredeemable and I think death is the way to fix that. I know there are other ways but death seems the best.
    I'm not sure how to fix this because I don't know what to do. If I continue living, more burden in my family, and if I stop living, less burden in my family.
  2. Leolsrik

    Leolsrik Well-Known Member

    Your family is at fault here, not you! It's completely unreasonable to set arbitrary goals of "success" for you without taking your capabilities into account. And your mother calling you stupid and useless is horrible. Just because your parents spent effort and money on your education doesn't mean they're good parents. What they should have done was to encourage what you're passionate about. So don't beat yourself up over disappointing them, they don't deserve it.

    What you need to do is find out what YOU want to do in life, your parents be damned. Try to get away from them when you're ready, so you can pursue the goals you set for yourself. It sounds like you're still not finishing high school, so while you're still stuck with them, try to find friends online (or offline) to support you when your parents are making you feel bad. I've heard there are friendly people in the chat here.

    Even though it feels like you'll be less of a burden dead, that's completely wrong. Suicide will completely shock your parents into figuring out how much they screwed up, and they'll never forgive themselves. So you really should talk to them about how you feel before doing anything drastic. There's a chance they'll understand and support you. And if not, there's no reason to end your life just because you have bad parents. You don't need to make your family happy in order to be happy yourself.

    Oh, and welcome to the forum. You can always PM me if you're frustrated about your parents' unreasonable expectations and need to vent, I have some experience with that myself.
  3. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    The problem with parents - and the things that we forget - is that they are just people too any they screw up and sometimes say and do absolutely the wrong thing.

    I don't think that your parents are bad parents - but when parents respond by getting upset and seeming disappointed it is most often because THEY think they are bad parents. That somehow they are letting you down and can't give you everything in life that they want you to have.

    You are working hard and that is all anyone can ask of you. And it is all you can ask of yourself. I am sorry that you want to die - I think it is time to have as honest a conversation with your parents as you can about this, and to accept that it is not your job to make them happy. I understand that you want to, but its not up to you to fulfill their ambitions. That is on them.

    Talk to your parents and explain that you are trying as hard as you can and that average is average for a reason - it is what most people can achieve. The fact that you are at university at all already puts you far above 'average' and being average or normal or middle of the road at uni is not a bad thing at all. You can still get a good job and have a good life. You just need to start living it for yourself.
  4. jayson840

    jayson840 New Member

    Thanks your you reply guys. I know my parents aren't the worst parent ever and they are a good parents and I do love them. But the thing I fear most is them changing their perspective towards me. If they find out I have depression, then my parents won't see me in the same way and I don't really like that, especially because my parent would have to spend more money on me and that would make my situation worse. I think it is best for me to keep it a secret until I graduate.
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