Just Nothing

[LetItGo]

I sit at this computer sometimes, and I just feel nothing, cant think straight. I dont know if its boredom, but theres just nothing for me anymore.

Can you guys relate, that sometimes, for no real reason your just permanently tired? I look into the future..and I have absolutely nothing to look forward too, only death at the end of it.

You see all these people chatting away on myspace or whatever and its 99% white noise, its all pointless, aimless, mostly stupid conversation...I doubt anyone is making any real connections on there with other people. Do these sites work for you guys..I think im too old now. Old and afraid of what might come of it.

Im getting to the point where I have two decisions..top myself, and get it over and done with, or go see somebody. I know I should take the latter option but fear is just stopping me, fear and laziness. Its like im a cacoon that I cant break out of...and then If I do see someone I have to explain it at a time when my parents, particularly my mother, thought that I was over this. I just want to run away from it all..but dont even have the energy for that.

Its never ended for me. 33 years of this shit, and it just never ends.

 

[claycad]

I know how you feel. I sit on my computer using websites like myspace or even suicideforum to talk to people, but its all bullshit because nobody makes any real connections over the internet. I guess I waste my time on forums and websites because I have nothing better to do. I even met a girl in person that I met on myspace, which while it didn't go as horrible as I anticipated, it must have not gone well cause after we met in person the girl stopped talking to me, which just caused me to not want to meet anyone else.

You should go talk to a therapist or somebody; you can usually hide it from your parents too. I'm in the same situation. My parents thought my depression was over. I'm 24 years old and they have no idea. I have been going to therapy for two months and nobody in my family knows. I felt very close to going through with suicide at the time I went to therapy so figured since I was about to off myself anyway, I didn't have much to lose. While I try to remain hopeful that it will really work, I feel like it is doing nothing but delaying the inevitable. Its worth a try though. I'm also about to start on meds, so hopefully they will help better then the therapy has.

 

[LetItGo]

Hi Clay

Take my hat off too you for meeting the girl from myspace. I dont think id have the balls (excuse the french . Even though it didnt work out, at least you made an attempt at a connection. You went further than I probably could.

I basically fill my days now doing the same things you do...apart from working in a retail store on weekends, I spend the rest of my time at the computer on websites, and forums. Unfortunately because I have so little energy, and im so easily distracted, im not even making any real money from my websites, which was my original intention.

Sometimes, every few weeks, I might go to the club/pub for a drink with a friend of mine (the only real one I have) but mostly I just stare at this screen and get very little done.

It all seems pretty pointless really, life = pointless. Thats basically how I see it now.:sad:

I know I should see a therapist as well. Im not sure I want to go on medication though...I dont really trust them. Aspirin is about all Ill take lol.

Your probably right, its just delaying the inevitable...unless you can make connections with people, and find something to keep you going, its not working.

Neverless I wish you luck with it...youve gone further than me.

 

[missykate]

I sit and watch who is online and talking. I usually don't talk to them because I just don't want to make pleasantries. I meet a guy in person that I meet on myspace. It went pretty good as well. I just get nervous and don't want to make an a$$ of myself. So I haven't been in close contact with him. I feel really bad but my life has been nuts lately. I was just diagnosed with bipolar and put on some meds. It isn't that bad...or at least I thought so. I am going to see about therapy...You should too. If you want to. It is hard to say what you want to your doctor, sometimes.

 

[LetItGo]

Maybe Myspace isnt so bad after all The Australian version of Myspace just recently started as well. I found another site that I like though, but it doesnt have forums, just groups, like Yahoo groups...http://www.care2.com. Its an activist website, 6 million + subs. It might be a good way to meet interesting people.

Missy its good to see your getting treatment. I actually went into a psychiatric hospital a few years ago for a week, but It didnt work out. There was a complication with another person there, and the docs just didnt take me seriously. The cases there were really hardcore though. I remember seeing a girl riding a "invisible" horse in a field opposite this place...not only that, but she was completely naked at the time. :blink:

Ever since then ive basically been fighting this myself, but im loosing the fight. 33 years and ive got nothing to show for it...absolutely nothing.

 

[missykate]

Well you have yourself...That is one thing that I think about. No matter what happens I will always have myself...my thoughts...my feelings. Sometimes it scares me but other times it is reassuring to know that familiarity.

 

[LetItGo]

Well you have yourself...That is one thing that I think about. No matter what happens I will always have myself...my thoughts...my feelings. Sometimes it scares me but other times it is reassuring to know that familiarity.

Thats true I guess, ive certainly gotten use to living in my own headspace, but I think its finally starting to wear me down. I grew up an only child, so Ive never had brothers or sisters around, just me. I think ive gained a certain strength from being alone, but its not making up for the feeling of it being hopeless and pointless. I need to break that cycle once and for all.

 

[missykate]

You deserve to give yourself more chances. I know who doesn't say that? But if it is a time tried truth than maybe it is worth it...
Have you tried new things? I find that helps. I get terrified when I do new things but I did it anyway. I went rock climbing...me. I am afraid of heights. Well I did it and met new people and saw people I knew...just getting out and about. I even, dare say it, had fun.
I have been going to the library to get out of the house so I don't become a recluse or hermit or possibly even get a hump on my back and a stumbling walk on my feet that are covered in pointy shoes...
Also i try and occupy my mind. Sometimes I don't even read the books...

 

[LetItGo]

Ya I think fear has over my life. I often recite the litany against fear in my head, but I dont practice what I mentally rehearse.....

The Bene Gesserit Littainy against Fear.
Pg 19 of Dune

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

I wish I could live my life like that...I really, really do.

 

[missykate]

I forgot about that. My brother loves Dune and he tried to make me read it but I didn't...I did watch the movies. So, do you think the books or the movies are better? Probably the books. It is always the books.

 

[LetItGo]

They recently put out a mini series on dvd, about 2 years ago, which wasnt bad. I havent read the books im ashamed to say I really should read more..Anything Dune is good.

 

[missykate]

I must say that I as well enjoy Dune. 'says it quite and with shifty eyes incase others might hear.' That's OK I am a geeky and don't care one bit. I also like Stargate, the new star trek, star wars, harry potter, hummmm anything else incriminating....think think think....

 

[LetItGo]

Haha, Dr Who?

Theres not much new scifi around atm...Ive heard mixed reviews on Battlestar Galactica. Supposedly there is a new series of Star Trek in the works, cant wait for that. I actually like Enterprise the most...

 

[missykate]

Interesting, another star trek...I didn't know.
I think I will have to go now though. it is 7:12am and I am actually getting tired. It has been good.

ttyl and feel free to PM me any time.

 

[bluekitten]

Hey MJH.My names Gabriel.Thanks for the welcome in the thread I made.

I just saw read your initial post here and thought I'd say hello *waves*

So, how're you feeling?.

Crippling depression?.

A feeling of slowly stagnating?.

Chronic apathy and tiredness?.

A perpetual sense of 'dont-know-what-to-do-next'?.

Yes well, it could be worse - you could be a Star-Trek fan!.

*reads further posts*

Erm... forget I said that...

Well, I just wanted to say 'Hi' and that I hope you're feeling better, a little at least.

Allow me to leave you with one piece of advice - I'm certain it will help you.

It was imparted to me by a very sagacious tibetan lama. I had suffered with depression, social isolation and suicidal feelings my whole life, but his advice had such a profound effect on me; it completely turned my life around!.

So here it is! -

*Thinks*

Erm...

Sorry...I forgot.

Bugger!.

:dry:

Gabriel.

 

[MariaM]

Hello MJH!

For me this site is a sort of counseling. I saw a psychologist for almost 3 years (when i was in high school) and i never told her about my suicidal thoughts. I never told anyone except in forums... to people i don´t know. I guess we always try to hide who we really are.
When someone asked me if i was sad i always answered: no, i´m just tired.

Here is an opportunity to talk about all that. It helps me, it really does. Even if no one answers my posts.

Take care,
Maria

 

[TheBLA]

I hope to get the most help and give as much as I can on here as well. I hope that I and nobody here can ever be ignored, ever.

 

[MariaM]

I hope to get the most help and give as much as I can on here as well. I hope that I and nobody here can ever be ignored, ever.

Can i ask you a question, if you don´t mind...

I see that you joined this forum about 1 year ago. What changed since than? I mean do you feel better about yourself, is this forum helping you... things like that.

 

[joce]

Hi MJH
Expect you've got that usual foggy feeling in your head today. I just wanted to say I completely relate to the constant tiredness - I'm too tired to live really. Also the white noise - it's even difficult to hold eye contact because all I hear is a kind of droning noise. Sometimes things just change in our heads for no reason so maybe one day we'll wake up full of energy. Well, we live in hope don't we.

 

[LetItGo]

Hi guys, thx for the welcome and support . The tiredness I feel really drains me. I mean I can get more sleep than should be necessary..8 hours or more, but I still wake up tired. Lack of exercise probably has a lot to do with it, but the way I feel, and the lack of social circle makes exercising at a gym or sports very difficult. I think my mind and body are conspiring to make me this way basically.