Just Out There

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Linny, Dec 9, 2014.

  1. Linny

    Linny Active Member

    -warning quite lengthy-

    So I was having a discussion with Jaden/ My Jon (you have acquired a nickname good sir :D) about my very best friend and I just felt the need to put it out there because I wanted to write and I figured why not just put it here so..........here goes nothing I suppose.

    Code names! Because those are the best! His name shall be....-searches brain through various inside jokes- Nerds. Like the candy.

    Nerds and I have been best friends for four years now. I've always surrounded myself with guys because they're easier to handle most of the time. And Nerds is the perfect fit for me. Where I try to care about everything and put in 110% and often exhaust myself with miscellaneous things, he often has a nonchalant attitude, gets by with what he needs, and only has a drive for specific things he's focused on. Many would assume that we clash heads most of the time, which on occasion we do, but really it just makes for a good show. Y'see, we're both just living for humor. It's like that's our purpose, to make other people laugh. And half the time we're not even trying. He's got this personality that makes you go "What....the hell." because one moment you're laughing with him and the next you can't tell if he's completely bored with you. That's just him, that's how we'd all describe him.

    And sometimes that really hurts. Because you never know what he's thinking. I'm still learning and it's really hard at times to sit there and try to understand what he's thinking. He can go for days without talking to you and it doesn't really matter to him. For me, at least, that's really difficult. Because he doesn't really talk about much, it's hard to try to get him to go on with a conversation. So, when we were at school, we generally had lunch together. And I would wait for him to stand to get lunch to go get lunch with him. And after we were done eating I'd reach over and hold pinkies with him. It was the most innocent thing ever. Because most people would think that's something really romantic to do. And it was probably the least romantic thing ever. It was probably the most friend-ish thing we'd gotten into the habit of. And sometimes I really miss just being able to do that and have it mean "I'm here, you're there, and we're ok." I would reach out when I thought he was ignoring me and he would immediately grab my pinkie, while still looking like he was ignoring me, and I'd know that it was alright, he was just paying attention to something else but I was still there.

    Long story short, over the past few years feelings were developed which caused tension and we ended up having a huge blow out, fixing it, attempting a relationship but it didn't work out. So now we're just trying to go back. And sometimes I wish we were still at the lunch table able to hold pinkies because I feel like that's what kept it all together. It was like a pinky promise that we were still there for each other. Now, I'm lucky if I get a text from him. But every time I do, even though on the surface I'm annoyed and hurt that he just texts me to gloat about some event that actually hurts (like his updates on his leave date or some girl), I'm silently ecstatic that he thought to let me know. It's like he held finally grabbed onto the pinkie I was holding out.

    That turned out a lot mushier than I intended :shrug: oh well.
  2. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    Wow, I really like the way you compared the messages you get from him with the pinky thing at the end. I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you wanted them to :/