Just over a month

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Pad, Oct 15, 2009.

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  1. Pad

    Pad Well-Known Member

    Im really getting anxious about this. In just over a month I will know where i stand. Its out of my hands and i have no idea what is going to happen, its up to her but i wont let her know that. Ill leave a note blaming something else, like seeing things making me do it or something. i dont even have a plan dammit i need to think this through. come to think of it if i love her so much why would i be so selfish? it would hurt her. and maybe i dont want her to be with someone like me at all if i think like this. which means i must go through with it does it? idk. im screwed whatever
     
  2. Daydreams

    Daydreams Well-Known Member

    Can I ask what you meant by its up to her ? Or is that prying....
     
  3. Pad

    Pad Well-Known Member

    i guess its not that its up to her, but just how she feels about me. I really cant tell she blows hot and cold. but i will know how she sees me on my bday. then i can finally get rid of this uncertainty. happily ever after or not at all
     
  4. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Pad, are you saying if she wants to be with you, you won't go through with it and if she doesn't, you will?

    Why?
     
  5. Pad

    Pad Well-Known Member

    Because I live for her, I love her with every cell in my body and knowing I can never have her is too much. When she told me she wanted to be just friends after we were together it felt like a sledgehammer to the back of the head, and every time I realise we arent together i feel the same. but i dont want her to be with me if she doesnt want to, i would rather her be happy and me miserable. Im selfish, if i go through with it she wont be happy. if i dont i have to endure the hammer for eternity. It's quite literally my hell. I could be ignorant and say nothing exists after i go. i really dont know, im just confused and sad and lonely and scared and a lot of things. i just cant take this
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think you need to live for you first most. Seeing someone that is strong and independant is important to any relationship. One should not be tied so tightly that you make them your world. Stand strong show her this strength and she will admire you for it.
     
  7. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Pad, I would hear your story if you'd be willing to share. Tell us about her, and about the two of you as a couple, what happened that made you guys break up? What's your situation with are at the moment? Are you still on speaking terms?

    But before anything, let me agree with Violet, you should never wrap your existance and your life so close to another person. It's a big gamble since people are volatile. You should always live for yourself. I made that mistake and I regret it so much...
     
  8. Pad

    Pad Well-Known Member

    The story? hmm ok

    Since I was about 14 (im almost 25- in just over a month) ive suffered from severe anxiety which led me to be completely withdrawn from anything. Noone noticed or maybe did but didnt do anything to help, and I didnt talk to anyone about this. Just hid in my room every day. I scraped through school and have just about managed to hang onto a lame job. Anyway when I was 17 I started self harming and smoking weed and it got progressively worse for 5 years. Then one day when I was 22, I remember the day it was the 7th october, i was having a serious episode and was searching the net for support. Thats where I met her. She sent me an email asking me to add her to messenger, I almost deleted the email because i wouldnt usually answer them coz of the anxiety. A couple of days later I got the courage to add her. She was so supportive when I told her about myself, but also concerned with how I was living. We talked almost every evening although i would still be too anxious to get on some nights. But soon we were talking every day and days I would not be on she knew i was having a bad day and would send me the sweetest emails. She persuaded me to stop smoking weed and I tried to stop self harming- I did get a lot better with this although i still do sometimes but never as bad as it was. We even started playing an online game together and got to know everything about each other. We spent the new year online to each other and at this point i had already fallen in love with her, she told me she had fallen in love with me. This was the happiest I had ever been in my life, it was like a drug. I felt like I was flying, I never thought she would feel the same. We talked everyday and sent things to each other through the post and always said we would be together, she organised to go to uni over here so we could be together. A year and a half like this and we were still talking every day and still in as much love, she had gotten into a uni near me and she was coming over to see the uni before accepting her place. My anxiety was a lot better but I would still have bad days and although I was excited at meeting her I was very anxious about how she would feel about me in person. It just so happened she would come over about a week after i moved into a new flat. When we met things were great, I picked her up from the airport and we went back to my flat. I was to take her to her hotel but she said she would rather stay with me. She stayed for 3 days and we did everything together, even went to her uni to look around which she was supposed to go alone. We were perfect for each other and just clicked or so I thought. When she had to go back home i was so sad to see here go, they were the best 3 days of my life. The feelings I felt I never thought were possible. The only way I could now talk to her was by text message as my new flat hadnt got net yet, and it took me about 2 months to sort that out due to the line needing to be renewed and i could sense she was getting frustrated over texting. When I finally got online she told me that maybe we should just be friends. I was shocked, it felt like i was being crushed or hit over the head with a hammer, I couldnt move, think or say anything. For probably a few hours I just stared at the screen as she told me all my bad points, all of which i had told her about and she had accepted me for. After this I went to my room and cried so much, i woke up and cried more. I made a fool of myself at work and got sent home. We still spoke and she said she still loved me as a friend and would always want to know me. I made out that I was ok with this and hung on to some sort of hope we could still work out as she was still moving over here although I was dying inside, I even started self harming again. She moved here a month ago and we spend every free moment together again as friends i suppose, but it sometimes feels like more, she will be very affectionate towards me and even sleep in the same bed. Other times I go to hug her and she feels like she wants to get away. I still feel the same about her as I did when she first told me how she felt, and I know it will never go away. My bday is the day I will know for sure how she feels and if I have to feel this crushing feeling for the rest of my life I would rather not be here. I'm able to hold of the selfdestructive thoughts when I see that there is a tiny bit of hope still, but if there was none then there would be nother to fight them with.

    Thats pretty much the basic story, I cant really get across exactly how i feel as im not the greatest writer.
     
  9. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I remember you telling me all about her before Pad, around the time it happened and I guess I want to help you through it, but having never been in a serious relationship and never been in love, I feel I can't really comment.
    I can only agree with what Violet and Ordep said about not living your life for someone else.
    I've heard a million times before the pain will subside, the hurt will pass, you'll meet someone else, and although I've never been in love I have LOVED someone and it's true, all of it did pass and I moved on. I felt physically sick about it for a long time but I did get better and I managed to move on.

    I think it's cruel that this girl is giving you hope and then taking it away and then giving it back. You need to find out where you stand with her once and for all but I think sharing a bed and all that sort of thing when you're just friends and she knows you're in love with her is a little cruel.
     
  10. Aerial

    Aerial Well-Known Member

    Good advice. Same here. Although, I've managed to move on as well from my experience, I do wonder if I was truly in love with the guy, rather than merely fixated. What made it worse for me was he got involved with someone else and I truly felt I had no chance with him. That was very painful. I question where my head was at times because it was so one-sided.

    I agree with everyone else too in that you have to live life for yourself and find a way to move on even though it is painful.

    Those are only words and they certainly aren't comforting ones, but they're still true. I really hope you heal in all of this Pad.
     
  11. Pad

    Pad Well-Known Member

    I don't think I can heal, it's like I have emotional haemophilia? When something hurts me I carry it with me all the time. Every embarrassing moment in my life still makes me cringe every time I think about it. Every time I ever felt hurt hurts when I think about it. I feel overwhelmed by this wanting someone but not being able to have them, and I know I will never feel differently. Time has never healed anything for me
     
  12. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    I think that's one of the many symptoms of depression. I used to replay my most embarrassing moments over and over in my head like a movie. I'd replay conversations, moments of abuse. I couldn't stop living it.

    Medication helped me shut it off. I don't know if you're on anything or not, but it could help. If you're already on something, perhaps you would benefit from a change in dose or medication. Just a thought.

    I'm not on anything now, and once again I'm dwelling on things I can't change. :(
     
  13. Pad

    Pad Well-Known Member

    The most amazing thing has happened...

    We are back together!!! xD. This is the most amazing feeling once again, I cannot describe how I feel. Im just so much in love and glad we could talk about our feelings last night. It felt so right. We are meant for each other and nothing can keep us apart. I cant believe I was losing faith. How good it is to feel alive once again
     
  14. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I am so so glad for you Pad!! :stars: Congratulations sweetheart I hope it goes great for you both! :hug:
     
  15. Pad

    Pad Well-Known Member

    Thankyou and everyone for being there for me, it really did help to get things off my chest and hear some feedback. This has been a tough few months and I really didn't see things happening like this. I will never lose hope again, and nor should you guys.
     
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