just over it..

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by lostbutnotfound, Dec 2, 2012.

  1. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    What happens when you drive everyone away? When you're so vindictive, and so hurt, that you do whatever you can to get everyone away from you, even if that means being horrible to those people you care about? What about the times you feel so alone, so fucking destroyed, that you decide to push everyone who ever meant anything to you away, just so you knew that you wouldn't be hurt anymore? Seriously.. what happens then? I am a horrible person. There is no point in disputing that, I'm literally writing that because it is just fact. I have had many people reach out to me on this site and at first I readily accepted. I was greedy for acceptance, to feel that someone, anyone, cared about me that I didn't look ahead. I just took what I could and kept trying to take more. Obviously I have met some assholes here, some people that I wish to have never met, but the majority of people kept me going, made me feel like I mattered, that they cared. But because I feel so threatened that it's all going to be taken away, or that people are going to turn on me and leave, I hurt them before they can hurt me. It's fucking bullshit, but I can't help it. And now, finally, I have driven everyone away. Even the people who told me they would be here forever, regardless of what I was going through r how I acted. And once upon a time, it would be they that I would be mad at. I would blame them for making promises they couldn't abide by. But I've come to the realization that it is me. That I act so unbearably that I make it impossible for people to want to be around me, to want to see how I am. It hurts to realize that I am so disgusting. But in the same breath, I know that all I am feeling is all I deserve.

    I can't kill myself at the moment. My f.m has broken her wrist and she has no one else to take care of her, so pretty much all of my time is being spent there, looking after her and making sure she is okay. But her cast will be off by, or just after, Christmas, and that is the timeline I am setting myself. Because really, I can't do this anymore. Who would want to live in an existence of pushing those close to her away? Who would want to live with the person who hurts their friends just because she needs to protect herself from being hurt, which she knows from experience will happen sooner rather than later? I hate myself, and I don't want to have to deal with myself anymore. Before, it was easier, because my friends would be there, but now I have no one, and it's all my fault. So fuck it. I won't be doing this much longer.

    I don't expect anyone to reply to this thread, honestly. I have stayed away from SF because I know I'm no longer welcome, because I have driven any last person who ever declared to care for me away. So yeah, I know no one will a) care or b) reply to this. And that's okay. I've been thinking of Blou a lot, and how much I want to be with her instead of in this hellhole of my own doing, and I'm calm at that choice. It doesn't make it any easier though.

    I'm tired. And I'm over it. I'm over having all these emotions that I can't deal with.
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    The past mistakes of yourself or others does not dictate the future- you do. It has not been great for you to this point? So what? You do not need to live for others and the acceptance of others does not make life better or worse - it ia a thing , like a piece of furniture. I would rather have it than not but the lack of it does not mean I cannot enjoy other things and it does not mean I cannot get a new one at some point simply because it is gone now. I am glad you are thinking of Blou a lot. As you do remember the last hours of her life were spent not trying to die but trying to live, calling her mother and the police for help. Remember that in the end Blou wanted to live, make it your choice to honor her memory by doing what she actually wanted to do - which was to live.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I'm glad you posted as I never heard back from you. I hope you realize that if you needed to talk, you just need to let me know. And those are not just words missus.

    I'm sorry you are so fed up and tired, I can def empathize with those feelings. Don't set times out for something destructive. I wonder instead if you could try to work towards something positive. I KNOW. This is easy to say and much harder to do. But 33 would miss ya. Keep in touch pls. :hug:
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    From what you have written, it sounds like you painted yourself into a corner (a place where I live most of my life)...I had many years of distrusting people and when they got close, I did what I had to do to make sure no one got to me...that does not mean you are a bad person, nor does it mean you are not welcome here...you are hurting and I hope you understand that you are entitled to be cared for and to know that you are valuable...I also hope you speak to someone about how you are feeling...you deserve to feel better even if you cannot see that right now
     
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I know I've not been around :hiding:
    No excuse, just a lot going on and wrapped up in that, but told you time and time again EMAIL! :whip:
    You haven't pushed me away, I haven't forgotten you and you need to email me pronto!
    Don't make me hunt you down :devil: