Just paranoia or what?

[TooShyToScream]

I don't know how much longer I can take this fear of my fiance leaving me every single day. I worry that some of the things I say/do make him want to even though he says it's not true. But why would he say "Yes, it is true" unless he was sure it was what he wanted? Maybe he's having doubts and lying about them.

Like one day I asked him if he thought we really had that much in common. The nature of my asking was because we didn't agree on an issue that was pretty important to me. And he was like "We have some things in common, but not others...but that doesn't mean we're not right for each other". And now I feel like he took it as he doesn't think I think we're right for each other and now he's going to want to leave me. But I was just thinking about it because it seemed we had a lot more in common when we met, so I was just curious. But I don't want to leave him either way. I wouldn't have the energy or desire to look for anyone else if I lost him...I'd just want to die. He's the only reason I feel like I have somewhat of a future.

So that's scaring me, plus other things like that, and I don't know...I'm just scared. All logic seems to point to "he's not going to leave me", especially since he's going to lose his mom soon to cancer and needs me, but my brain seems to think little of logic anymore.

Yesterday, I thought about suicide and it seemed like a fairly good idea. For a moment, I felt brave enough to start to gather the materials I needed and put them away somewhere...this sudden bravery made me somewhat happy with myself. That is, until my mom called moments later, telling me she had a bad dream that something happened to me and wanted to make sure I was okay. She said she loved me and wanted me to be good and take care of myself. Suddenly, I wasn't so brave anymore. I felt guilty for thinking those things and my mood plummeted right back down to where it was...perhaps even lower. Sometimes, I wish no one did care about me. It'd make it a lot easier.

I think I'm going to get drunk now and listen to death/black metal :headbang:

 

[itmahanh]

I think it is your own lack of self esteem that makes you question your fiance's feelings. I used to be like that so badly when I was dating my husband. My own insecurities always seemed to surface and I was always questioning him about how he felt about us.

Hun if you keep questioning and keep staying in a negative place you just might make your own worst fear happen. You need to say to yourself "I deserve the happiness and love that comes from being in this relationship." Because you do. Try not to be so hard on yourself. It sounds like your fiance really loves you. He is willing to stick it out with you sweetie. Now please give yourself the same opportunity :arms:

 

[TooShyToScream]

Hun if you keep questioning and keep staying in a negative place you just might make your own worst fear happen. He is willing to stick it out with you sweetie. Now please give yourself the same opportunity :arms:

Yes, I realize this...yet, I cannot stop it. It's much easier said than done.

I've been made to fuck up my own life, and I'm fulfilling my destiny rather well. I don't feel as though it is within my control. I mean, my actions are. But not my feelings, which sometimes provoke my actions, or the actions of others.

 

[itmahanh]

Hun I know exactly what you are saying. My feelings seem to be in charge most of the time lately. And that is why I care about you and want to see if there is anything I can do or the both of us together can find to help you through this. We get to a point with our feelings that yes we sabotage are best intentions and actions.

My therapist is always telling me know one can make you feel anything you dont want to. I so totally agree with him. When I'm depressed or others are, well the depression becomes more than a feeling it becomes the thing that drives all our thoughts and feelings. When I'm depressed it feels like I cant do a thing to get out of it. And the the depression feeds off the negative stuff I keep putting up as a barrier to protect myself from the bad stuff. But then it feels like the wall is made from the depression itself. It makes sense to me, sorry probably coming off as a ramble of crap.

I think I would have to agree that it is paranoia. Your irrational fear that he is going to leave keeps feeding off itself. From what I've read in your posts, it doesnt sound like he is ready to throw in the towel. Has he said or done anything that might lean towards him wanting to leave or is it based soley on whatyou think and feel.

Wow, I am trying to help really. But this sounds more like I'm lecturing you. Sorry. I'm here for ya. Hope I can help someway cuz I know the confusion and the pain it is causing you.

 

[TooShyToScream]

I don't know...I've made myself feel plenty of things that I didn't want to. Other people have made me feel angry, upset, or guilty though I didn't want to. No, he hasn't said or done anything ever really to make me think he was going to leave me. It's just my thoughts and perceptions of things that make me afraid. And like I said, I do realize, logically, that this probably won't happen. But the word "probably" is what kills me. It's not like I can control it if it does happen...so I know there's no point in being afraid either way, but I still am.

No, it does not sound like you are lecturing me. Just trying to help...which I appreciate. I think, being that I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I really do need to start looking into therapists that specialize in DBT. I have a therapist at the moment, but niether BPD nor DBT are her specialty, and I don't think that's helping me any.

 

[itmahanh]

Have you ever looked into a support group? They are really helpful because the others there are or have been exactly where you are. And there are so many resources made available that you probably dont know exist. Just a thought.
Yeah my therapist has turned into someone that I basiclally just vent to. He doesnt really do anything else. I dont know if he is supposed to or not. But I thought seeing a therapist meant that together we would find things and do things to help me move forward. I'm stuck in a rut that seems to get deeper and darker the more I try to move out of it.
Just want to help you so that you arent suffering with battling the what ifs and probablies or possiblies alone.
Have to go for a bit but I'll check in on you when I can get back on :arms:

 

[TooShyToScream]

Many therapists out there don't do their jobs properly and it saddens me. My major in college is psychology and (if I make it that far), I am planning on doing a much better job than I've seen them do through my experiences. Therapists are supposed to help you work towards some kind of goal...but, like you said, they just become people that we vent to. They don't really have any sort of treatment plan for us. Well, if I ever become one, I won't be like that...I'll tell you that much. That's what got me wanting to be in the field. There would be something specific that I would have my patients work toward each day. I'd make them a list of goals to fulfill during the week, and give them at home assignments (from my head, not photocopied straight out of a book) to make them really think about certain things. It's the actual willpower to help that most therapists these days lack. They all just want a paycheck. But you have to treat each person like an individual, because they don't think about the 10 other patients you see each day...they see you as the only one who can help them, and your job is to take on that role and succeed in it. Make them feel like they are working towards something and making progress...not just venting about how their day went. Doctors these days don't care to even ask questions or anything. They expect you to do all the work. Well, being mentally ill, how are people supposed to handle taking an active part in their treatment unless you lead them to the point of being able to do so?

Anyway, now I am just rambling.

As for support groups, well, I have social anxiety...I don't really think it would be for me. I was at a partial hospitalization program once where I got to try group therapy, and the only thing that came out of that was be being attracted to a 38 year old man, while being 20, myself (yes, "daddy issues" is the proper phrase to describe it), and having a boyfriend at the time, while he was still married. To make a long story short, it didn't help me much. Only gave me another thing to worry about. I never actually even talked when they did the group therapy; I mostly kept quiet.

Anyway, the liquor seems to be taking effect, and it is getting harder to type without mistakes that I have to go back and fix. Although, I admit, it feels decent. I haven't drank in a while, and now I think that was silly on my part.

 

[itmahanh]

Makes me feel good when I hear young people like yourself want and or are trying to get into the field. I know you will be able to use your experiences to help others. Really help!!!! Cuz you will know what they are struggling with. And just experience alone will give you compassion towards your patients. I'm sending all the best wishes for success with your studies hun!!!!

 

[Screaminginsilence]

Hun - having nothing in common doesn't mean you aren't right for each other, it means you have even more to talk and tell each other about!

I think for a 20 year old you sound bright and intelligent - any man would be mad to overlook those qualities

Perhaps the fact that your bloke appears to be going through a shit period in his life wont help, especially if you have underlying issues. If hes gunna loose his mum he needs you stood by him, no questions asked

I'm abit older than you - i dont think that gives me the right to lecture, or the whole crap of 'youll understand as you get older' but if you come out of a shitstorm together then nothing will tear you apart.

Try chatting to a friend or family member, sometimes we just need to be grounded by someone who knows us. I've felt like you SO many times, and most of the time, even all of the time and i really, really understand how it makes you feel - fear loosing them, loosing your life

But your engaged - he wants to spend the rest of his life with you so remember it!

if he is being off he will probably be thinking about loosing his mum, if you say your worried about your relationship he may be at the fuck-it-fuck-everything stage people can get to!

Anyway, best advice, look inside yourself, find your strength, grab it by the balls, and be there for your bloke. You obviously care a great deal!

Ax