Just piling on the pressure. (language, may trigger)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by MLKane, May 13, 2011.

  1. MLKane

    MLKane Well-Known Member

    Fuck. Just, just fuck. I'm 16. I'm doing my AS exams starting in three days. These exams effect what courses I can continue next year, which effects what courses I can get into uni, if I can get in at all. I'm already under enough pressure from those exams, that my depression is getting worse. But that's not enough for Fate. Oh no, he really wants me to fucking break, or at least it fucking seems that way. First, I have a major argument with a very good friend, over fucking nothing, over the fact that I don't think I should pick my friends on how morally rigid they are. Fucking rediculous. The guy I've told about my depression, my self harm, my suicidalness, he's there for me. But It feels like not enough. We don't even mention it in passing, it's like I never told him. We occasionally hug, but I hug everyone, it's how I connect with people. It just feels fucked. And now, oh now, just when I'm at my most stressed, My dad has been admitted to hospital. I have no fucking idea what's wrong, from the sounds of it neither do the shitty doctors. my mum's a fucking wreck, and now I've just been told by a neighbour that he's "very ill" a euphamism for getting worse, and she's gone to go pull my sister back from uni. the original plan was to not tell my sister till he was better, which shows how bad things have got if the plan gets changed in less than 24 hours. I just can't fucking deal with this anymore. it's too much. I told my closest friends about him going to hospital earlier, but they just fucking brushed it off. I haven't told anyone else. I'm just so sick of having to take all this in and hold it and not be able to let it out because I just don't trust anyone and I feel like no-one would care anyway, and even if they did care it would only be superficial, as soon as I stop being directly in their sight they'd just not give a shit anymore. I agonise over my friends' problems, I really try to help, even when they are trying to push everyone away and it hurts me to try and do anything, because they'll be improving while I won't. well I'm sick of doing that. I'm sick of caring about everyone else and no-one else caring about me. I'm sick of not trusting anyone else and I'm sick of trying to keep things together when I just want to break down and cry and stop living and hurt others and self harm and just fucking kill myself and I can't because I'm too much of a stupid coward who's so scared of what other people will think of him that he can't even use his real fucking name on the internet. :wallbash::wallbash:
  2. Monoka

    Monoka Well-Known Member

    Hi, im also starting AS exams and my dad has had 'brain issues' for years and they still cant work out what- I understand how you feel.

    im sure you will do better than you think (honestly), its normal to feel overloaded and panic. just make sure you can relax when you need- something to take you away from work completely. as long as you do okayish this year you can boost your overall A level grade next year, when your less stressed.

    not knowing what is wrong with someone is the hardest, try to make sure you are told the up-to-date situation so you dont start speculating the outcomes, your imagination is often worse than reality.

    dealing with a stressed family is also very difficult- but talk to people and it should help.

    PM me if you need
  3. MLKane

    MLKane Well-Known Member

    Grah! shit's getting more and more frantic, people coming and going, we're going to see him tonight, people are using all these 'reassuring' terms which just make me feel more nervous. I might not even take the exams, which knowing my parents is an indication of OH FUCK levels of seriousness. basically, I'm helpless and I fucking hate it.