Just posting

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Seerbrum, Jan 5, 2009.

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  1. Seerbrum

    Seerbrum Well-Known Member

    I'll go ahead and give it a go, because well I'm at a lost these days.

    Back in June of 07, < Mod edit HAzel: method >. I was actually at work at the time, and had just had a mini “flip out”. I was walking down the road when my brother who worked with me at the time drove up to argue with me. We had a very heated argument and he said he see me when I got home. After having just failed at work, having a fucked up relationship end two months prior, my dog had died a few months before, my parents moved out on my birthday, and my brother was moving which was leaving me SOL for a place, and now I had no job.

    I didn't wait a second, < Mod Edit Hazel: Method > I managed to walk 500 yards before some one stopped me, called the para-medics. And I remember waking up in the mental health ward of the hospital, my left arm attacked by gauze.

    The trauma nearly killed my sick mother (GREAT MOVE SON!). Made my father for the first time in his life break down into tears. And nearly shocked my brother because he was blaming himself.

    I can see how suicide can be view has a “selfish” act. But I was just looking for a way out.

    Now basically I managed to toss myself in the same position before, and I'm fighting real hard to figure it out. It scares me, because I can get so depressed and angry, that I'm just ready to fucking do it. And at other times, I know I need to start caring for myself because I don't want to hurt my family and friends again. Because slitting my wrist didn't hurt me much at all, but it seem to tear everyone around me a part... and now I can feel myself getting to that place again.

    I just wanted to type it out, its feels better to do so,
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 5, 2009
  2. Izziebabystar

    Izziebabystar Well-Known Member

    hug im sorry to hear all that hun
    i hope your better
    im always here if you want to talk
  3. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Hello Seerbrum and welcome to Sf, I'm glad that writing it all down is helping you to feel better. I hope that by posting and talking on Sf you will get the support you need.

  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi seerbrum

    Welcome to the forums.

    What has caused you to feel so low again? :hug:

    We will try our best to help you get through it. Im glad you felt better after writing it down.

  5. Seerbrum

    Seerbrum Well-Known Member

    thank you everyone.

    I'm always extremely heistant answering that one. As of know I feels so silly that something of this nature can bother me so much.

    To give you example, I think nothing of jogging or riding my bicycle 6 miles to work. Nasty weather doesn't get too me. I've been beaten, broken, cut open, sick as a dog, and I still manage to get into work. Or get what I need to get done that day. I wanted to be a soldier (long story, can't), I've been out of money on the wrong end of town at 3 am and had 10 miles to walk to get home. Nothing like that bothers me, I can face certain starvation with a bit swagger and bravado... but...

    Yet, there was this girl... and the rest, is my pathetic attempt for going some one who I didn't stand a chance with. Bless her heart, she was nice to me. But, the rejection and coupled by an already low self-confidence, just threw me over the edge. Some rough neck huh?

    the resulting depression, I've screwed everything up. I'm in debt now, no bank account, no car, no job, and not far from losing my apartment. All because I first couldn't bare the thought of being rejected, so I lost myself in drinking and drugs (not that I wasn't already doing enough already) and then because I couldn't step being self-destructive.

    I would of made a friend out of it, if I hadn't botched it so well, and with such good practice. Seems silly that I get that depressed over so little, but with it came all those feelings I had before. That uselessness, that self loathing, and things from my past I use of have let go jsut came back and kept nagging at me.

    And you know, I only asked her out because I friend said I should. In hindsight, I had been out of the hospital for less then a year from my first attempt... maybe I shouldn't of tried something that tends to stress the living hell out of me. But... humans, mistakes, and all the hoot'n nanny.
  6. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    Are you working now? Are you able to get a new job?

    It sounds like you really had a stress overload. I hope things are going better for you now, and if you don't have a job, I wish you luck finding one.
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