just putting a post up

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by isd, Dec 7, 2009.

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  1. isd

    isd Well-Known Member

    i've just talked to the samaritans for the first time and my head is reeling and i need to put the energy somewhere so i thought i'd make a post. because i am in real trouble here. i will copy my original message from the welcome forum.


    "i am 35 yo male from england. i've had serious depression for 7 years. i've been on anti-depressants for maybe 3/4 years, i tried a third one about a month ago but it messed me up so came off it quick. i've tried counselling and psychotherapists some years ago. i am totally out of ideas so maybe if i post here sometime it can help, even if i'm just writing things down. i hardly drink, don't do drugs, i have improved my diet a lot. i don't exercise i know i should but it is so hard to motivate myself

    i live in more or less total isolation (i am self sufficient, but not to this level), have not been out sociallty with people for maybe a year and a half. i am still in contact with my parents who know my situation. i have been suicidal two days ago, and a couple of weeks before that. i think the winter has started to bite hard on my mind. any big change of season seems to fuck me up, because it is like more time has gone by, and i am older, and have done very little in my life.

    i am on disability allowance (the person in charge of me at the job centre has been one of the few rays of lght, she has been great with me). i am long past the stage of gloryfying depression, but sometimes i feel that if you are a sensitive and intelligent person in todays society then there is no way you could avoid depression, unless you're superhuman"

    it is the last sentence i wrote that is the thing, because it is a sick society, but at least i was able to talk to a stranger on the phone. and i am having real trouble with becoming old, well older. just very stressed and vunerable right now
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Here if you want to talk. :hug: I'm glad you reached out here, and to the Samaritans.
  3. prelon

    prelon Member

    I'm the same as you by the sound of it, only that I'm 22. At least you have had more time to live than me, be glad for that, I'll be gone before I hit 30.
  4. jp_bl_68

    jp_bl_68 Account Closed

    What was it about the call to the Samaritans that made you reel?
  5. isd

    isd Well-Known Member

    thanks. it was the first time i phoned them. i talked hard for about 1/2 an hour, which is why( jp_bl_68) i was reeling, plus just my general state of mind. i rarely talk that frankly and hard. it was a good idea, i think i need to do it again.
    prelon- i am gratefull (when im not fucked up). i had serious depression at your age too, came out of it for a few years, then back at 28
  6. isd

    isd Well-Known Member

    also it was strange talking to the guy at first, because i am not trusting of people at all, and it seemed a bizarre situation. so i kind of soldiered through it but got more comfortable over time
  7. Disappear

    Disappear Well-Known Member

    Maybe you have SAD?
  8. isd

    isd Well-Known Member

    i think the winter kicking in effected/ is effecting me a lot - has pushed me hard. i tried to prepare for it in my head, because it happens every year, but its too much
    my flats gone cold, i got a heater but takes a couple or more hours to get any heat in the room.

    also my body clock is a mess, so much harder to get out of bed, so i might only see an hour of light a day. i didnt see any today.

    i mean this is on top of my naturally depressed state, maybe i will try one of those light boxes, my dad offered to get me one
  9. isd

    isd Well-Known Member

    had a good talk with my dad. emailed samaritans yesterday. saw daylight for the firs time in 2 1/2days.

    don't want to feel hopeful, just want to be.
    i know it'll come again so want to save any positive energy
  10. isd

    isd Well-Known Member

    feel a bit more positive, well calmer, at the moment . . still feel theanxiety close to the surface. some life i've made for myself.

    i need to stick around this forum, even if i'm not posting. i think its very important.

    is anybody out there??
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi isd,
    I'm glad you're feeling a bit better! Are you still calling the samaritans for support?
    Keep posting, we're listening :hug:
  12. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    I agree with your statement on being intelligent and sensitive. I havent been to this forum in months, the winter though has sort of gotten to me. Yesterday was my birthday and the feeling of time going by just makes me numb. Good luck to you fellow human.
  13. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I think the change of seasons affects alot of us.. I know winter is no good for me.. Thats when I had my nervous breakdown..I worry that I will have to go thru that again.. So far I have made it thru the last few winters.. Before that I spent the winter in the hospital for 10 years in a row..So you aren't alone when it comes to climate changes..
  14. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    SAD is seasonal affective disorder. it comes with the change of seasons. it effects a lot of people. you're not alone. i'm glad to hear that you finally got out that's great. keep up the great work. take care
  15. isd

    isd Well-Known Member

    thankyou all so much.

    my dad says that my depression is always bad at this time of the year. he's ordered me one of those light boxes. maybe worth a go for any of you. he's been very good. my flat is fucking freezing, but i've managed to get my front room warm finally

    irishdoll - i just called the samaritans one time, i was so desperate. i wrote to them a couple of times but havent for a few days.

    rhinolady - "keep the good work up". it is indeed real work, and i am almost trying to view it as my job. i have been concious of the "take it day by day" approach for a long time, but i feel i have never been able to focus my mind like that. i am really hoping to focus my mind like this, because i believe i have enough "work" to do and it does me no good getting ahead of myself. i think it is a very healthy attitude, and anyway, people have a subconcious to sort other non pressing things out. and the key is to kill all sense of ego

    one of the worst things is thinking you are better and starting to make plans in your head. i've been around the block enough times like this, to know that the plans will surely tumble down. so just got to think about getting through the one day with least depression and then anxiety. also, i think at my best i can be spontaneous, so why put too much thought into plans anyway

    stranger - thats sounds really, really tough. glad your're last winters have worked out better

    angelo - happy belated birthday. yes time terrifies me also
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 17, 2009
  16. isd

    isd Well-Known Member

    crashed hard last night. obsessing in front of the mirror, how much i hate myself. needed to get my pescription for my ADs as i only have 2 days worth left but just could not get out of bed. the cold just makes things so much harder. lucky found another 2 pills to keep me going tonight and the weekend.

    going to ask my ask my dad to get the prescription, crazy as it'd be an hour and a half round trip for him , and only 20 min for me. but i cant afford to not have those pills.

    fucking hate having to ask for help like this
  17. yorkie bar

    yorkie bar Well-Known Member

    Hello, i've just joined. I've been trawling suicide sites for months now, in fact most of the year. And finally, i've just found this site. I'm surprised how much i identify with you.

    I too have rung the samaritans, but i'm embarrased to say, i can't afford to ring tham again, and its too embarrasing to ask them to ring me back. In any case, i've already decided theres no future for me, i simply can't face 2010. The only thing thats stopping me is i want to be 100% sure theres no return.
    No one will 'find' me, as no one will simply 'notice' i'm not there.

    I've all the forms fillied in for bankruptcy, but i simply can't even find a room to rent. No one wants to know a self employed bankrupt. I've spoken to 'acquiantances' about having nowhere to live, and about my 'alternative' solution, but they simply can't cope with a discussion on this level. I've even spoken to my daughter about how i feel, but she can't cope with it either, or simply erases it from her mind - In any case, she lives on the other side of the world. I've tried shelter and housing associations, but i'm at the bottom of a very long pile, in terms of neediness - despite the fact this is the very system i've contributed to and asked for nothing in return, for nearly 40 years.

    I had a very bad head on car crash a year ago, which left me with a broken rib, and no car, and i guess i'm still suffering from trauma from that too.

    I'm constantly plagued by my debtors phoning and calling to my house - i let them in, and i don't even know who they are. And i have no money in my purse, bank, anywhere.

    On top of all that, just before xmas i was diagnosed with abornmal cells, and i'm waitng for the result of the biopsy, and to see a consultant. Not that i really care at all, to be honest. It could be the answer to all my problems. The doctor said to me, i don't think you really understand whats happening, this is going to take a while to sink in.She did'nt realise, i simply don't care.

    I apologise for feeling so sorry for myself, but when you've no one in the world to talk to - my parents passed away years ago, but thats another story.and i dread seeing my mum again.

    I just don't know if i can get through new years eve, i know i can't get through new years eve, i'm in bits now x
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