just ready to finish it now...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by deepthoughts, Oct 29, 2007.

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  1. deepthoughts

    deepthoughts Member

    sorry just need to vent i am in a major crisis,

    i feel my life has been taken away from me, i am fed up with people expection me to just manage to cope and thinking this stuff is easy, they think i have a never ending fight in me and i can keep going and going, i am strong but not as strong as they think, i am ready to break, i am on the verge of breaking last night and tonight,

    if i wasnt so gutless and weak then i would have done it, i am just getting smashed out of my mind taking whatever i can get my hands on, cocaine, alcahol, tramadol codein, morphione mst, oromorph, tamazepam diazepam, amatryptaline,

    i have cancer, i endured 18 months of surgery and chemotherapy, i started to feel better i had my routine scans done as usual but NO ONE checked them, the cancer did not start in my lungs but has now spread there and now because they left it its now spread to the other lung and next to my heart, now they have said chemo therapy is not an option and surgucal intervention is the only option, the trouble is they have said that the surgery may be fatal and may not solve the problem i know the pain will be unbearable i have been down this road before i dont know if i can cope with the pain and the agony and the ups and down anymore, i just want it to be over now, io will miss the people who love me and care for me, at the moment i am too gutless and weak, but that is the better option than a long and drawn out agonising way to go,

    people just keep on expecting me to be the teflon kid and let things slide off me but i dont think i am strong enough for that either, maybe soon i will be strong enough and this night mare will be over

    sorry to vent....just needed someone who would listen without just expecting me to crack on
     
  2. Robin

    Robin Guest

    Hey Deep, was seeing you chat and no idea the level of problems you had, you hide it well, maybe that's why people seem to think you're made of teflon. I must say I admire you greatly, you show a good deal of resolve for someone in such dire circumstances, I don't think you will have any problems mixing with the other members but if you do or just get lonely feel free to drop me a pm anytime :)
     
  3. deepthoughts

    deepthoughts Member

    cheers, thats the problem lots of people think that i can cope because i smile all the time, i am so close to breaking its scary, the other night i came so close, if i could have found sufficient morphine i would have taken it and not even worried, i guess thats fate,

    its a tough situation.....
     
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    :hug: what can one say :sad: :hug:

    Battling cancer must be taking all you've got and then some :hug:

    PM me anytime and my msn is in my profile if you want to chat over there :hug:
     
  5. deepthoughts

    deepthoughts Member

    its not just fighting that, its having to fight it repeatedly, and then knowing that i am going to have to suffer all this time for what may well be a pointless excersize, because of my personality people see my laughing and smiling all the time and think these things just slide off and i can take everything in my stride, i cant i am fed up off fighting now, i just want to be normal again now, i am fed up of being ill and feeling sick and full of uncertanty, i thouhgt i was getting my life back on track and now its been snatched away, i dont think i could cope withmore agony, i just want peace, but the top and bottom of it is i am too scared to end to and too scared to go on i am caught in a very bad place with one inevitable outcome...
     
  6. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    How good some of us are at wearing masks. You are one of them yet it only shows how little people do know us deep down.

    I DO understand where you stand and coming from. The outlook on life is not at its peak right now, but there are still few things you can concentrate onto.
    This has helped me for quite some time so perhaps you can use them as well.

    What would you like to do before reaching the inevitable outcome? How could you use, fuitfully, this time ahead that is STILL FULLY yours?

    Haven't you got any dreams you wish to fulfill? Places you wish to see? People, sport, activities etc...... that you had wished, dreamt or planned to accomplish? For now time is 'yours' so till you can, use it fully and to the maximum. Do not waste this time...... It is YOURS and YOU CAN DECIDE how to use it...... dont let this chance pass.... Realize whatever dream you have and go ahead. The outcome will reach you soon enough (whichever twill be)but till then YOU are in charge of your life, not the illness.

    I know how it feels to be stuck inbetween but you can choose which way to look ...... and I CHOOSE to look at today, what I can realize today and tomorrow i will do just the same till illness do not give me other choice, but till then...... time is MINE and will use it as I WISH & DECIDE.

    Don't let illness dictate you how to live nor how to use your time.

    Be safe and keep us informed on how you are doing.
     
  7. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    Hey you have been through tons and i admire you greatly.If you ever want someone you can talk to privately feel free to PM [private message] me anytime.i am also happy to listen.Know how it feels when others seem to think or expect you to be made of stone [though sometimes i think i expect it of myself as well as others seeming at times to expect it of me too],know how it feels when you think maybe you just cant carry it all anymore.But if you ever wanna talk id feel priviledged to talk to you.i personally dont have any experience of cancer or really drugs greatly either but would be priviledged to talk to you.........and if it helps in anyway i do have experience of taking massive quantities of pills reguarly so know how it feels to be out of it often too,and often to hope i die from what i have done.

    im sure everyone here would like to know how you are now if you are able to tell us and would like to?

    Please take good care
    kath
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 2, 2007
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