I thought i would expand on my last post and thnaks for replying. It's like i can't seem to get anything right and if i felt isolated from my family in the past, this has got to be the most out of place i've ever felt. It's like my cousins are the golden people of this family, all intelligent, all clever and everything i am not. It was my eldest cousins wedding last week and yet when i got to that church all i wanted to do was run far, far away. I felt happy for them but knowing what i know about marriages i couldn't sum up the appropriate overwhelming "awwwwwww".
I am the black sheep, i've been that way for so long my painting in this picture won't change. I know my grandmother thinks i'm the same evil bitch i was four years ago, she doesn't need to tell me because all the small comments that she claims "mean nothing" mean a hell of a lot to me,. E.g i was lookind at old video footage of me when i was 11 and my hair was supposed to be red and blonde meaning it was more orange. I said "Why didnt anyone say i looked like that?" in a jokey way. Her grandmotherly reply was "Because you'd have probably hit us". I'm not excusing my past behaviour but i've thought a lot lately and i know why i acted how i did, why i treated all those people so badly. And im so sorry because of it. Anyway to continue i dropped out of college after three days and i know my family wish i would go back but it's not happening. I also need a job, although i strongly suspect i have social anxiety*i wrote about it another thread in disorders forum no point going into details here*. So what is perceived as lazy and carelessness is in fact a huge fear for me. Okay i can't be bothered to rant about my purposeless life anymore.
:sad: