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Just Registered and Decided to Share

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MikeHC, Apr 7, 2013.

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  1. MikeHC

    MikeHC New Member


    I was looking for a place to share my thoughts with someone anonymously. I just registered today.

    I am currently a student at a University and living a life that is not particularly interesting. I have a good family, and some friends who support me. I am certainly not complaining about this, and I am fortunate, but there is one thing that did bother me all my life:

    I was treated for cancer when I was 2 years old and this gave my face a physical disability. It is very visible and I can feel the stares every single day when I either take the public transport to school or whenever I leave the house.

    Throughout my years in High School, I did not really have any friends that were there for me, they were just acquaintances that I talked to, but no one would really stayed with me for long. I was always spending my entire summers and weekends alone in my house either playing video games or watching movies.

    Now I have friends, but I know they are still not fully comfortable with the way I look and do not always want me to accompany them in public. I don't blame them, and they are far from bad people, but it is really hard for me to feel motivated to leave my house anymore.

    I was at an all time low last month when I almost went to sleep...permanently. I thought that I had chance of going out with one girl I had fallen in love with. I do not usually feel this way, but she seemed different and was extremely nice to me. Turned out I was wrong and when I expressed my interest in her, she ignored me and stopped talking to me.

    I really have a hard time expressing myself right now, because I have never done this before, but felt the need to do it. Now the stress is slowly taking me. I always look at everyone around me, scared that they are eyeballing me and judging me. I just want things to change or to stop forever.
  2. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    Man, the world would be a better place if people were "disability-blind." Meaning, when I personally look at somebody who is in a wheelchair or has a facial deformity because of a disease they can't help having, I see it obviously, but I see their deformity as something they have, not something they are. If I went anywhere in public with you, at the end of the day YOU are the one who will be getting the stares, not me. Why should I be afraid of going anywhere with you? Because I feel like people may stare at me as well? I don't know if that is one of the reasons (probably one of many) why they aren't comfortable going out anywhere with you, same with the girl, but if it is then they really need to reconsider what's more important: being your friend or what other people will think of them as a result of hanging out with you.

    Another sad reality: Things will never change or stop forever. Society is cruel, especially if you live in America, the Superficial Capital of the World. The most important thing for you is to accept yourself the way you are and fuck what everyone else thinks.

    I don't know why you're in University, what you're studying, but I guarantee you that when you've graduated with your degree, and it's time for you to go out in the world and look for a job, your employer (a smart one) will look at your resume, and they'll look at another's, they'll look at YOUR FACE and they'll llook at another's, and they are not going to see your facial deformity. They are going to see the best person for the job. That could and probably will be you.
  3. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Hi welcome to the forum. I hope you did you're able to express yourself more here

    Take care

  4. justastrangegirl

    justastrangegirl Well-Known Member

    hey mike, i totally understand you, belive me. I spent most of my childhood in hospitals and was bullied at school. I finished high school 5 years ago, and went to a University only for a year, because I kept feeling an outcast.

    Until now, I have no friends, I work at my father's office, and I have life dreams that I'm beginning to realise that will not be fulfilled.

    I wish I could help you, I really do, but I'm not a good advicer, I have no social skills.

    I guess all I want to say is that I'm here, aswell as many others, to read you, and to support you.

  5. snarrylover

    snarrylover Well-Known Member

    I know it can't be easy to have people looking at you all the time, but I don't think they are judging you with their stares - they are probably just wondering how it happened. It's human nature to look at anything we are unfamiliar with. I just wish people could be more discreet.

    I'm so sorry you had to go through that when you were a baby. Your parents must have been terrified, not to mention all the effects it's had on you growing up. You have support :)
  6. MikeHC

    MikeHC New Member

    Thanks a lot for the replies everybody, it really helps to see that someone understands.

    @HelgasAngel: Thanks for the advice, I wish you were wrong about society being cruel, but it is. At least there are people like you and others in this forum who have a heart.

    @justastrangegirl: Don't worry about it, just you being here is more than enough support. I hope everything works out for you. Thanks a lot for the support, I needed it.

    @snarrylover: You're probably right, but its still difficult with all the stares. Thank you.
  7. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    hey mike,

    i'm sorry that you have to go through this

    we're all here listening- so anything you want to say, go ahead

    emily xx
  8. justastrangegirl

    justastrangegirl Well-Known Member

    :) i added you as a friend
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