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Just sad and venting :/

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TooShyToScream, Jan 28, 2011.

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  1. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    My mom doesn't know much about my life, and as much as I want that to change, it can't. She keeps asking what's wrong and I can't tell her. If I say, "Well, I get angry/upset/anxious about this, this, and this..." she'll be like, "That's stupid. Get over it." If I say I'm having relationship trouble, she'll say, "Get someone else." If I say I don't want to live without him, she'll say "You're crazy, blah blah, I must mean nothing to you then and you hate me...etc.". If I say I take drugs to numb my pain, she'll tell me what a disappointment I am.

    My fiance is the only one I can be honest with about my feelings and what I do, but I don't want to overwhelm him all the time either.

    I'm fine with taking drugs when I don't have anybody to talk to at times like this. And by "times like this", I mean that I don't feel quite bad enough to want to die, but I do feel bad enough that I want to numb the pain with something. But he won't give me the medicine today. He gave it to me yesterday because I was practically hysterical, and he doesn't like giving it to me 2 days in a row so that I don't get addicted. So, I'm on my own dealing with myself today...If I knew I could sleep the day away and wake up feeling better, I would, but I can't sleep. Sometimes I wake up and feel worse than before, sometimes I can't fall asleep at all, and sometimes I have nightmares where I'm driving off a cliff, or someone's trying to hurt me, or I get lost somewhere, or something bad happened to my mom, etc.

    I never used to be like this before, but lately I'm so on edge when I try to sleep. If I'm asleep and someone accidentally touches me, I wake up freaking out, thinking I'm being attacked. Or just randomly wake up screaming.

    I just don't know if I can handle myself today and be in a decent enough mood to go to class early tomorrow morning... :sad:
  2. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Can I ask what type of drug your talking about. One of the biggest problems about depression is self medicating. Its only temporary and causes more problems in the long run.

    Im not downing you for doing it though, been there myself many of times, and fighting an addiction now.
  3. contemplative

    contemplative Member

    i know exactly what you mean. my grandma says the same exact stuff. and my friends i trust enough to care, Im afraid to overwhelm them. They say theyll be there. But i dont think they understand its constant everday all day especially at late night. They cant be there all the time, and its not fair to expect them to i guess. I tried to attempt to end my life last night, but i didnt even get close to attempting. My friends saw a facebook post and rushed all around the building to find where i was. when they couldnt reach me on my cellphone, they became frantic. It hasnt made it go away, but them wanting to be there has given me hope at least for one more day. I also hope you'll see that I care about you, and perhaps you can hold on another day longer too.
  4. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I take my fiance's Suboxone. He uses it for opiate addiction. I use it to help calm me down.

    Well, I went to school today. It sucked. After barely getting up at 5:45 in the morning, and an hour long train ride, my bus took 40 minutes to get there.
    I waited for it in the cold. Then it finally came, I barely got to class on time. The bus back to the train never came, I had to walk.

    I don't know, sometimes it just feels like life is one disappointment after another. And all I am is constantly scared of the next bad thing that's going to happen.

    Thank you to those who responded.
  5. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    have u seen a doc about the way u feel? i'd seriously consider it and they can find medicine suitable for u
  6. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I've seen a doctor. And I completely screwed myself telling him I abused DXM and alcohol because all I got after that was prozac and some shitty sleeping pill that doesn't work.
    I need a therapist that specializes in DBT, and some good anxiety medication because there's no way in hell Borderline/Avoidant Personality Disorder is treatable with some stinking Prozac.
    I also need good sleeping medication. The shit I have is all completely useless. But I don't even have my insurance right now, and even if I did, I wouldn't know where to go or what to
    do next anyway. And thanks to my social anxiety disorder, I won't be making any phone calls any time soon to find this stuff out. Like I said before, I'm screwed any way you look at it.
  7. contemplative

    contemplative Member

    Look, I feel the same way you do on a lot of things. My grandma responds to my stuff the same way and my friends say they're there for me, but I feel like I can't put tht burden on them to worry about how I'm feeling everyday every moment. But I know tht the people here care and we've all felt the same immense Pain in one way or another. And because of tht Pain, we are more closely relatable to eachhother than our friends who can't comprehend what we feel and our families who (sometimes) mock us for those feelings. In return, we would all be saddened to see one of our own people gone.
    I hope you an hold on, and know that this is a place where you an be strong.
  8. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    go back and tell them wat ur telling us.
    wat u need or atleast feel u need. then they can give u some direct feedback about tht
    its worth a shot. better thn not reachin out a suffering for longer
    big hugs :hug:
  9. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Contemplative - I'm doing my best to keep holding on, but I know as soon as something bad happens, I'm going to lose it. I'm just waiting for that moment

    Tappa - like I said, I don't have insurance. So I can't tell them that. All I can do in the meantime is self-medicate..
  10. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    Fucking hate medical insurance fuckin stupid shit so frustratin comin from uk and hearing ppl say tht. ur country shd fuckin look out for u.
    anyways tht was a tangent.
    keep holding on. i know tht feelin wen ur scared u know ur guna b pushed off the edge someday and u wont b able to hold on any longer its jus a matter of when.
    but u gta stay strong. try. from smewhere. ur making the effort to try and self medicate thats something. shows theres hope. ur trying :)
    dnt give up
  11. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Well, I'm glad you see that as me trying at least. Most other people see it as making it worse...but the way I see it is: Either I risk becoming a drug addict and then dieing, or I deal with my emotions on my own and end up committing suicide anyway. Might as well take the drugs. At least death is only a risk going down that road. Going down the other, it's imminent.
  12. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Speaking of which, fiance let me take some Suboxone a little bit ago and I'm feeling calm and generally decent :) God, how I wish this feeling lasted my entire life. :weee:
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