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Just saying hello

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by HighsandLows, Oct 19, 2010.

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  1. HighsandLows

    HighsandLows Active Member

    Sorry it's a short post, but hello is about all I can manage right now.
  2. Decode

    Decode Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum. I hope you find what you are looking for.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Then that is perfect...welcome and please tell us more when you feel comfortable...J
  4. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Don't worry about it. You'll open up in time if you feel comfortable.

    Welcome to SF!
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    welcome to SF :)
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I'm sure once you see how friendly we are you will open up.. Feel free to PM any of us..
  7. Twinkle ☆ Twinkle

    Twinkle ☆ Twinkle Well-Known Member

    Hi, and welcome. :)
  8. Enigmatic Ed

    Enigmatic Ed Well-Known Member

  9. HighsandLows

    HighsandLows Active Member

    At the moment I'm just looking round if that's ok. Confidence is at an all time low, and yesterday was breakdown point, so I'm not really feeling communicative right now. Daft to post on a forum I suppose, when you don't want to communicate, but I needed to be 'near' people who understand, and as there is no one that I can turn to in real life, I figured here was a good place. I hope that it's ok for me to just lurk for a while. If it's not, I'm sorry and I'll leave.
  10. Enigmatic Ed

    Enigmatic Ed Well-Known Member

    Lurk away bud, think its fine to do hear but dont do it in peoples gardens at night thats when the trouble starts. If you wana pm anytime feel free. If you want talk audibly pm and request my phone no. sometimes better if you dont know the person and unlikely ever to meet. your not alone and unfortunately its often the scum and cnuts who are fairly contented with life so chances are your probably pretty cool, youve just told yourself your shit so many times you believe it. take it easy dude.
  11. HighsandLows

    HighsandLows Active Member

    Thanks Ed. I'm a dudette btw ;) lol
  12. Enigmatic Ed

    Enigmatic Ed Well-Known Member

    aw well im not prejudice comment still stands, thanks for the shout out. look forward to speaking soon. laters girl.
  13. HighsandLows

    HighsandLows Active Member

    Right, I've been here a couple of days, had a good mooch about, and it's time I introduced myself properly, though I won't go into too much detail. It would get boring.

    I don't remember a time I wasn't depressed, even as a child. I'm knocking on the door of 40 in a couple of years, so that's a long time depressed. I didn't realise I was depressed. I didn't sit around crying. I was functioning well, but I was numb. Very very numb. I felt little and didn't laugh. I was put on anti d's and suddenly the cloud lifted. That's when i realised I was depressed. That was about 14 years ago now. I was on the anti d's for a while, felt better, stopped taking them and all was well. Then I got into a very tempestuouse relationship with a man I loved so much it hurt. That unleashed all sorts of feeling I hadn't had for years. It was very volatile for the years we were together, and we were constantly on and off. About 5 years ago I broke. Yep full break down. I haven't been the same since. Life piled crap on top of crap, and some old crap caught up with me. My ex partner committed suicide during all this crap. That was not good. It made me realise it was an option, but it also made me realise what it does to people left behind. That broke me more.

    I've been on and off meds for a few years. I'm stupid really. I take them, I feel better, I stop, I relapse. I know I will most likely be on them forever. Depression runs in my family as well which doesn't help. I've had counselling. Some parts helped but much of it was a waste of space. The therapist did strongly think I have BPD. I suspect it too. The highs and lows are incredible (hence the name). We discussed treatment, and I explained that i work so well off the highs, and I don't want to lose them which I would with BPD meds. On anti d's I still get the highs and lows, just the lows aren't so bad. I do have suicidal thoughts when I'm not on anti d's and the lows kick in. I also know for me it's just not an option however much I want to. I have children. I have seen the consequences of people exiting. It leaves behind people like me, who were once 'ok' and now are broken.

    I've said goodbye to a lot of people over the years, from accident, illness and exits. There are days when I envy them. There are days when I want to be with them. There are days when I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Then I remind myself it cannot be an option. It still frightens me though. I worry that one day I won't care if it's not an option. That I'll just go ahead anyway.

    So, that's me. I felt it only fair as I'm reading some pretty personal stuff on here, that you all have an idea who I am. Then at least you know I'm not some freaky hater, or grizzly lurker :)
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