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Just Saying Hi…

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Sisyphus48, Aug 11, 2012.

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  1. Sisyphus48

    Sisyphus48 New Member

    Hi all,

    I'm new here and thought I'd give a little background.

    I've suffered from severe depression all my life. Most of the time I just got on with life and ignored it. I always thought that there tomorrow things could change. But in the last few years, there have just been too many tomorrows where things haven't changed. Despite doing all the things that people suggest would help: exercise; meeting and mixing with people; setting and achieving goals. So it's only been the last few years where I've actually starting thinking about and attempting suicide. Though it's strange because it's not so much that I want to die, it's more that I just don't want to live anymore.

    I did go my doctor when I started feeling suicidal and was put on various types and strengths of anti-depressents, but they didn't make any difference. One attempt led to hospitalisation at the end of 2010, after which I was put under the care of a psychiatrist and a community psychiatric nurse (CPN), but neither were able to engender any kind of trust in me and so were unable to help me. I was discharged by both of them a few months back, so I'm not currently receiving any medical help.

    The main problem I have is that for 95% of the time, I don't want any help that isn't helping me to die. The other 5% of the time, when I consider asking for help, there’s no-one I feel I can go to. But even if there was, I wouldn’t know how. Add to that, the fact that I really don’t feel it’s worth anyone else’s time and effort to help me.

    I have always lived alone. I've had a few girlfriends, but I've never really felt worthy of love. I currently live in a tower block, where the occupants of the flats above and below me are continually making noise, making my home a hell to be in. I've raised an anti-social behaviour complaint, but it's been going on since last September and it hasn't helped. In fact things are worse. And this just adds to my desire to die. As does the fact that my attempts have failed so far. It shouldn't be that difficult, yet i'm still here. If I were a better man, I would have been able to succeed by now, a thought which just depresses me further and gives me more reason to die.

    So that's my current situation in a nutshell. I don't want to whine, and I apologise if it comes across as if I am.

    All the best to all,

  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    As you have well figured out, ignoring situations seldom help. You say you have done all the things people have suggested, and it looks like a fairly good list of things to try to pull yourself up, but I would like to know how many of those things were things YOU wanted, rather than simply trying them because other told you that it would help. Consider trying to discover what may interest you and pursuing that for a bit instead of trying to do things just because somebody else might tell you that is what is best.

    Professional care is very important in my opinion- I point out that you say it is getting worse now and strangely enough that is a few months after you stopped seeing professionals and stopped taking meds. Be openminded to the idea that neither were perfect for you, they may have been helping more than you give credit for as well.

    You can always come here - many many of our members share your experiences and that gives a common ground to work from. I am glad that in the latest 5% you chose to reach out to us, and am hoping you can find some support hear.

    You are not whining at all - please feel free to at any time as just having a place to freely speak your mind offers benefit- both to you and to our other members.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. Sisyphus48

    Sisyphus48 New Member

    Hi Ben,

    Thanks for your reply and I appreciate your time.

    Throughout my life there's a been a combination of things I've wanted to do, and things I thought I should do - as with most people. The problem is that nothing I've done, no matter the circumstances, has changed the way I've felt. I'm passionate about writing and try to do it frequently. But what I write is not generally appreciated by other people, and even I can't really stand to read what I've written. Plus I have since lost the motivation and inspiration to try writing anything. And this is true of any and everything I used to enjoy. I've moved mountains in the past when I've believed in something, had a purpose or reason. Only to feel completely empty at the end of it, wondering why I'd bothered.

    No matter what I try and put my mind to, writing, going back into education, even going back into voluntary work, I always come back to the same thought: what's the point? I know it won't change anything (because nothing ever has), and the bottom line is that I still hope and expect to be dead pretty soon.

    When I was young, despite feeling pretty much the same, suicide was just never an option. About 5 years ago that changed and I shocked myself when I started to actively consider suicide for the first time. Since then, my desire to die has been steadily increasing and nothing has come close to slowing or stopping it. Certainly not the medical attention I received. The problem isn't helped by my own attitude that nothing can help, and more importantly, why should I have any help? Even though I've posted here, I can almost guarantee that later on I'll wonder why I bothered. And it's not because you couldn't help, it's just this mindset I'm in. Because of so much crap I've been through in my life (starting in early childhood), I just consider that any effort to save me is more hassle than my life's worth.

    The medical community has washed their hands of me. They made it clear to me that they'd tried everything they could, and if that hadn't helped then there was nothing else they could do. There were times when I saw any one of them, that I literally felt them think, "Aren't you dead yet?" As if they agreed with me that everyone would better off if I was dead. Whenever I'd turn up to see them, it was as if there was an air of disappointment that I was still alive, taking up their valuable time.

    So I find myself in this limbo. Unable to live, but currently incapable of dying.
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF. I am glad you chose to seek out another form of support and join us. I look forward to seeing you around the forum and getting to know you better. :hug:
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