Just saying hi

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Holly, Jun 14, 2015.

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  1. Holly

    Holly New Member

    Hi I just found this forum and wanted to introduce myself.
    I have attempted to take my own life on about 5 different occasions, and failed, obviously. Recently I am constantly thinking about it,
    planning it, the only thing that's stopping me is the pain I'd cause my family (who live in another country), and also maybe a glimmer
    of hope that things can get better, but it just seems so impossible to get out of the situation I'm in.

    I've been a heroin addict for over 2 decades (I just turned 39 2 days ago and my birthday always makes me even more depressed than usual),
    I have no partner, no kids, stuck on a methadone program but also still using heroin and valium, I just can't stop..
    There's not much I haven't done to get my drugs, sold drugs, sold The Big Issue (homeless paper), even sat and begged in the street, but mostly
    prostitution.

    I feel worthless, hopeless, so lonely, my body is a mess because of self-harming, a blood-clot in my leg left both my legs covered in huge ugly
    varicose veins and I'm covered in scars from, well, life really.
    I hate summer because I can't wear shorts or skirts like I used to, so I'm walking about uncomfortably hot and end up not going out at all.

    I haven't left the house or washed or got dressed for the last two days, I can go weeks without washing if I'm not "working".
    As much as I hate it, at least I have money for food etc when I'm working coz every penny goes on drugs.
    I just don't see a way out anymore and I'm exhausted, I'm screaming for help but they always blame everything on the drugs, but at the same
    time you don't get much help with that either, apart from a methadone script that has never worked for me.

    Sorry for the rant, I just meant to introduce myself..
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Holly and welcome to the forum.

    I hope you are able to stick to the methadone program. I could be wrong but isn't it dangerous to be still using while on methadone!
    No one here will judge you, I think the strong point here is to stop using the drugs, then work at rebuilding your life, I have known some heroin addicts before who were also into prostitution and they were also abusing prescription drugs. Talk to your doctor, tell them everything you have wrote here.

    Best wishes!
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    If methadone is not working then you need to talk to someone ok get dosage changed Is there not a drug rehab program in your area where you can sign yourself into to get help no one will judge you here no one but is there a possibility to call your family and just be honest with them and tell them you need help you need to get back home so you will have their support
    easier when you know people are there for you
     
  4. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum :hug:
     
  5. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Welcome to the forum Holly. The problem with methadone is that it keeps you addicted. Unless you are committed to getting clean and work with your doctor to reduce the script and come down off it, the methadone in itself solves nothing. That said, coming off the methadone isn't any easier than coming off heroin and outside of a controlled environment, especially when you hate everything about your life, getting clean is incredibly difficult.

    I don't know what options are available to you, to be honest. If you were in the states i would recommend you find a facility and get real help. In the UK I know that unless you happen to have a LOT of money that isn't an option.

    Is there any way at all you can go live with your family for a little while so you have support and help to get clean and start over? 39 isn't too late to start again, but you do need to leave the environment you are in. Again, I know how hard it is in the UK to move out of an area if you are jobless. The only thing i can suggest that might be worth trying is speaking to your dr about seeing a social worker and trying to get away from the situation you are in.

    I am sorry I don't have anything more productive by way of advice. I hope that you stay safe and find a solution to move forwards :hug:
     
  6. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Hope you can get some relief from this endless cycle, just remember it does not make you a bad person. Welcome aboard, curious how you ended up in scotland from another country where your family is at?
     
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