Just saying hi

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by daveldn, Feb 2, 2016.

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  1. daveldn

    daveldn New Member

    Hi guys.
    I joined this forum today and just wanted to say hi and write a bit about myself.

    God! I don't even know how to start.
    Well, I'm 34 and have lived my whole life in London.
    If I had the guts to take my own life I wouldn't be writing this now. I don't think I'll ever have the guts to do it. And that depresses me even more as I know I'll have to carry on living this life.

    I have a rubbish job working at night 3 nights a week. I used to work more but there is less money for staff so I just take what I can get. I'm not very clever. I think if I lose this job I'll have no other option but to take my life. Anyway, there is no sign or reason for thinking I'll lose this job, so that's ok at the moment.
    I live in a shared house. 34 years old and still sharing a house and sleeping in my tiny room. I'm so ashamed of myself. Other people my age have proper careers, married, kids........ and I'm still living like an 18 year old.
    After rent I don't have much money left over so most of it goes on food.
    This has been the worst month for money. I still have 2 weeks until pay day and I have already spent the last of my money on food. All I have in my fridge is a tub of soup and cheese. And half a loaf of bread.
    I try to avoid going to the shared kitchen as we used to eat together and chat but they have already mentioned that I don't eat much any more and that my fridge is almost always empty.
    There is no overtime at work for a while, but that may change. I always take it when it's available.

    One of they guys I live with is very smart. He studied a lot and worked very hard. He deserves what he has. But when he talks to me about how much money he makes, all the skills he has, his social life......I feel awful. I'm not jealous of him, I just wish that I had tried harder when I was younger. Listening to him makes me realise how pathetic my life is. I work 3 nights a week and spend the rest of my time at home as I don't have enough money to go out.
    He told me that he doesn't understand why I'm happy with my job. He said it's a job for school leavers.

    I don't just sit at home and do nothing. I study Spanish. I really enjoy it actually. I used to meet Spanish speakers in the centre of London and we would exchange languages to help each other. I made some good friends doing that. But most of them have either gone back to Spain or found work elsewhere and no longer have time to meet up.
    I don't have a single friend. Even if I had lots of money I would have little to do with it as I have no one to meet.

    I'm so fed up with my life. I hate myself. I'm ashamed of myself.
    I want to die. But I can't do it. <mod edit: methods> Too much could go wrong and you end up failing.

    Well, I guess I'll leave it there.

    Cheers for reading.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 3, 2016
  2. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Hi Dave, Welcome to the Forum, You have done just fine as far as posting what is going on in your life. You have in My opinion made a good choice joining this Forum. I first want to say I don't believe it takes guts to end your life, it is not the easiest thing to do so I don't believe that either, a lot just feel they have no hope, or feel they cannot go on because they are alone and choose not to live that Way. There may be a thousand reasons, you, I feel want to live, you are going through a rough spot in your life I know those feelings Dave, I have been where you are! I understand that you are not happy, let me say that they don't call me Mr Sunshine either! You are not Alone Dave, there are a lot in here that came here for some of those reasons, I am glad that you are not planning to hurt yourself or end your life, I have tried, you really do not want to go that way!
    Dave you have come into this Forum, Here you may find a friend, and you do not have to be alone either, you have come looking for some help, something to possibly give you hope, someone to talk to and share what you are feeling. You will find that there are lots of people in here that will reach out to you. You are not Alone here, there are people that care, that will listen and talk with you, it seems that there are always people that want to talk, they will, you will find support, you can find resources here. I believe that the only limitations in life are ones that you place on yourself, yes things happen that you can not control, that does not mean that you have to be a victim. Keep posting in here maybe you can find some Spanish speakers here, who knows maybe someone who wants to learn some English as well, there are always possibilities, I know that there is always hope Dave. Please don't give up. Let others know what you are looking for, share with them they will share with you I am sure! Dave, Take care of yourself, Be Safe go out and try to walk or jog or just go to a different place everyday, You are depressed, doing something will help you to feel better, I know, my coming here and trying to talk to and possibly help others here helps me to go on and not feel hopeless or useless, this is one of the things I do in my Life! We Are Here For You!
  3. daveldn

    daveldn New Member

    Thanks very much for your message and taking the time to write it.
    I guess I need to get out of the house more. I'll probably go for a walk later as it's not raining. The wind is brutal though!!

    I've been reading other people's posts and it seems like there are lots of people in the same position. I'm glad I found this place.
    Thanks again!
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum. I am glad you joined us and took the time to share about yourself. I believe you will find support here and foster some new friendships. I look forward to seeing you around the forum. Take care and stay safe.
    2 people like this.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Dave and welcome to the forum, you should not feel ashamed of your job or your life. You are 34 not 54, you could always go back and study, couldn't you? I know it would be hard but worth it in the end. Are the people you share a house with not your friends? My sister has 2 law degrees and shares a house with a trainee doctor and another person, she is not ashamed of it, she's a trainee tax consultant and was offered a huge house for just 300 a month but turned it down, so i do not think you should be ashamed just because you are sharing. As you have mentioned you have no reason to feel like you will be jobless soon, so hold onto that job and try and make more friends, go to social events or make friends with the people you are working with. Please hold on, it WILL get better as you know where you are going wrong. Good on you to learn spanish, that is really cool, ,maybe learn more stuff?
  6. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Welcome to SF Dave. You have no reason to feel bad about your living arrangement- it would be worth remembering the person that likes to tell how great he is and that call so smart does in fact live in the exact same place and ultimately share a very similar lifestyle. That would mean if he impresses you perhaps you should be more impressed with yourself. Living in a large expensive city like London on your own is a challenge for most your age (or any age).

    I hope you care about yourself enough to explore what benefits you might be able to qualify for, where even if cannot receive actual benefits you might be qualified to receive food bank vouchers to help with food. It is really sad that such a basic need is overlooked living in such a large modern city. I hope that things pick up and you are able to get more hours at work or perhaps find a part time job for fill in the hours until they do. If nothing else, spending the time put and seeing what else is available might keep you busier than sitting alone in your small room and make you feel like you are trying to do something about the situation. It is hard, but the measuring stick for success in such a difficult endeavor as finding better employment is in trying. So long as you can make yourself try you can proud that you are doing what you can, and ask for help as well as that is only right when you are doing all you can. When things get better you will be able to give back to others.
  7. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    A big "cooee" from the Commonwealth of Australia (and, of course, Bubbles).
    You definitely come to the right place; here on SF, you can talk freely about any and all things (as longs as they do not go against the site rules) and never be judged. I trust your stay here with all with be an enjoyable and helpful experience. :)-
  8. sofie

    sofie Banned Member

    Welcome to SF -- I think you will find a lot of very supportive people here and have to commend you for your honesty -- it can be hard to admit when we are in pain.

    I thought this was something important to point out as well -- it was something that jumped in my mind as I was reading the post. He said it better than I could ;)
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