Just saying hi

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Innocent Forever, Oct 9, 2016.

  1. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Active Member

    I always feel awkward posting on forums, especially if I don't even know what the forum is really like.
    So, here goes - Hi, halo, bonjour, hello, heya.
    I've not read through this forum, I don't know what it's really about. Don't even know how I came across it. I also find it difficult to think of what on earth I want to say. Like, I'm not really gonna write anything, however anonymous it may be, for, I dunno. I find it hard to write about myself. To believe that it's fair for me to waste others time. For that's what I'm doing, wasting people's time.
    I'm beginning to think that maybe I can choose life. I don't know. I know that I have to choose, for I hate the constant battle I have with myself, whether I should or shouldn't live. I want peace. I want calm. I want freedom. However much I want to end it, I somewhat also want to live. I don't know which part of me I'm going to end up listening to. Why I want to live is to help others live. Which seems stupid, for what on earth is the point of anyone living.
    Oh well, so hello to this forum. Maybe I'll one day know what it's about. And re-reading this, I'm acting so defensive before I even know what it's about. sorry :(.
  2. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hey, it's nice to meet you. I don't know how to write about myself too much either. I used to think I would be wasting people's time here sharing my thoughts and feelings but the truth I learnt is that you aren't really wasting anyone's time here and there is a lot of caring and supporting people who will respond because they want to, not because they have to. I hope you'll like it here and find support for what you are going through. Don't be shy to open up, it can be good to get everything off your chest. Hope to see you around the forum and in chat.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello, lovely to meet you and welcome to the forum. Do not worry, you are not wasting anyone's time. I think you should open up more, that is what we are here for :)
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    You have the general idea of the forum, which is to talk about feelings of suicide, depression, or whatever else you are going through. You aren't wasting anyone's time. There are lots of friendly people here who will listen and help. Don't feel pressured because you can open up at your own pace.
  5. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hello Innocent and welcome to the forum, I think you'll find its a safe place with nice people. Take your time and get to know us. It's basically a peer support forum for mental/emotional/suicial thoughts problems. Take care my friend
  6. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    I agree with all those who are saying that you are not wasting our time. We learn so much from each others posts. We gain strength from each others posts. We get new ideas on making life better through each others posts. So please keep posting.
  7. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Active Member

    Thanks all, really.
    I'm tired and confused.
    I'd love to find something I wrote instead of writing it again, but,
    just seems like, fighting is all I do, all the time. It really is all I do. Whenever I begin to think that maybe I can follow the part of me that wants life, as a choice, (as of now, I committed to someone 4 weeks, 4 days ago, to give life a go for 6 weeks) I have to sabotage it, so last night when thought about it, dissolved some pain relief and spent the night until I dozed off fighting taking it. I didn't take it, but now I don't think that maybe life can be a real choice. I'm scared of losing myself. Which is weird, as the part of me I view as myself is the part that wants to end it, the part that wants to live is 'it', the 'other side', who somehow is also there. I know it's a large part of me, but, I dunno. Whatever. Not that any of this makes sense.
  8. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Active Member

    I once again messed up. Not like I've ever stopped.
    I think I'm beginning to listen to the part of me that wants life. Which is strange. So I messed up with heat, razors, and painkillers. I just wish I'd feel a bit in control.
  9. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hi Innocent, I'm sorry you are struggling and in such pain, it seems life is a constant battle when dealing with mental/emotional problems. You said you're "afraid of losing yourself" what kind of symptoms are you having?
    Also, are you seeing a doctor or therapist, maybe some medication will help you through this time. The worst time for me is when I wake up, seems to be the most down time of the day, but as the day goes on it gets a little better, I have to force myself to do things. Innocent please hang in there and keep trying, I know life can change and very quickly, so don't lose hope. Keep posting here and reading about others, I'm sure you'll find someone who has similar problems as you. Take care of yourself my friend.
  10. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Active Member

    Living here, in this world, I ask myself, why? what am I here? why do I stay? I wonder, I keep on wondering, why I haven't yet ended it, why I still dream, of a different side, where that can be light, laughter, joy. I decided I wanted to try, to live, not to end it, yet, why??? I know why, for I want to try, give life a go, so that I can know, whether it is so, or if it's no go.

    So now I'm sitting here. Typing. Tired. Confused. Alone. As always.
  11. Abhay

    Abhay Member

    Hi Innocent, sounds like things are though right now, I know how it feels to be confused, alone and frustrated.I often look for a particular event or time in a day that brought me joy or happiness for even a short while (be it a light hearted comment that made you laugh,or a small accomplishment, even that walk to took to that beautiful park during the day )it really boosts your morale and gives you the strength to fight through the day. A wise man once told me that everyday may not be good, but there is good in every day, you just gotta see it.

    If ever you need someone to talk to, there are many kind members and staff members that have enormous hearts, and are super easy to talk to. For now though I'll send you a message, if you ever want to talk.
    Take care, sincerely Abhay.
  12. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Active Member

    Thanks Abhay.
    Today was good that there wasn't such chaos, it was family time, which usually engenders a lot of chaos, and today was calmer. Today I did good by not self harming, pretty much at all. Yeah, at one point I tried to, but when the easy way wasn't there, didn't. I know, I still messed up with painkillers, and I was told I can self harm and can't touch that, yet I did coz' that, for me, is a way to play with death. Also did good by telling someone when couldn't be there for them.
    Can't write to you. Can't write to anyone, as, I just don't deserve others time.
  13. PhoenixFailed

    PhoenixFailed SF Supporter

    You are precious and have inherent worth. We all do as humans. Sometimes it helps me to think of how I would react if someone was telling me the things I say to myself. I would never tell them they were worthless, so then I have to step back and see it is not really okay to say it to me. I saw a quote on Pinterest once that said something to the effect of "I never used to think I was a bully, but when I thought about what I say to myself, I owe myself an apology". It is a strategy that works most of the time for me, I hope you might also find it helpful.

    I am proud of you for making a commitment to life for 6 weeks. Some people in the world have no idea what kind of bravery that takes. And you are 4 and a half weeks in. Suicidial ideation and acting on it are not the same, so I don't think you broke your word.

    It is when we sometimes feel as if we don't deserve others' time, when you were honest that right now it is hard to write, that we need the most support. No one here is keeping score of when and how you give back to the forum. We all have times when we need to be supported and heard, but cannot yet do much but ask to be heard. You do deserve the time. We all deserve support at our lowest. If we find a time to write back, fine. But it is also okay to just get it out and need to hear back from others. We are here to support you through that. If we agreed with you that you are undeserving, you would not have gotten replies. But you are here, you matter, and we are here to help.
  14. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Active Member

    Just feeling really alone right now. And disconnected.
  15. PhoenixFailed

    PhoenixFailed SF Supporter

    I am sorry you are having a rough go, Innocent Forever. You are not alone, we are here with you. You are not wasting our time, please remember. We are here to bear witness to others' suffering, help when we can and also bring our own pain.

    Can you tell us a little more about yourself? It could be about what hurts or the things you still find happiness in.

    Good for you for still posting and being here. Good for you for continuing to honor your promise to someone to give life a chance. You are brave for doing both. Keep up the great work, no matter how hard it is. Sending you wishes for nothing but good things. You deserve them. You deserve to be here. You are not alone.
    Innocent Forever likes this.
  16. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Active Member

    Thank you. For being here.
  17. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Active Member

    So, it's 6 weeks in 15 minutes time. 6 weeks since I committed to trying not to end it.
    It's really major for me. That I'm still here.
    I'm scared of getting to it. I want to mess up. I don't need to.
    It's so major, and, I really wish there were someone who could kind of, I guess celebrate it with me. Just be with me. appreciate it. And there isn't anyone who really knows what it means to me.