Things seem to be coming to a head again for me. Perhaps it’s this “Holiday” time of year, perhaps it’s the realization that this is my life now or perhaps I'm reverting back to my past thoughts and plans because this is all just too difficult? Whatever the reason, I cannot continue as is. One answer then, logically, would be not to, but instead to change. And to change the things I am unhappy with. Well, unfortunately that list is too long to know where to choose a starting point. And I haven’t yet managed to figure out how to make someone alive again. When you are stuck in a maze and lost, it feels impossible that one will ever find a way out. It could be a simple suggestion- and one that I would give others – get out and meet people. Expand on the few people I’ve let into my life, IRL. Gosh, it sounds so easy. But it’s not and it’s definitely not for me. Sure, professionally, no worries – I’ll sell ice to Eskimos and utilize small talk (if I have to) until the cows come home. But, personally, that is not me. Not my essence. And it never was. Other advice that I would give others would be that this hurt will diminish in time, things will change, that time will heal. And yes, I had thought the pain was less severe and I was managing better. But the last short while I’ve come to really think about everything (what a great word “everything” is – it can mean so much and so little all at the same time). I do know I can’t simply quit because my soul mate has gone. Well, I can, I suppose. I know for me, objectively thinking about that very point seems so ridiculous and so stupid and a waste. I suppose it’s different when I’m in the middle of this thinking. It’s a culmination of many things, many losses and now being riddled with guilt, flashbacks and other mixed up feelings and thoughts. Is this just a dip in this bloody thing people call a journey or life? Maybe. I feel as though I’ve been dragged through a barbed wire fence, backwards, in the last few years. And tonight, I wish it was over. I wish I didn’t ache so much all over, I wish this sadness and the overwhelming feelings of loss and lonliness would disappear. I wish there was just one person in my life that I could call or meet and talk to. I wish there was one person who would just hold me without expecting anything in return. I miss so many that have gone. I realize so many here are suffering. It is the most difficult time of year for many of us here. And my complaints are minimal, relatively speaking. This makes me feel even posting this publically extremely selfish. Unfortunately, for me, minimal as they may seem (and logically, do seem even to me) they are emotionally becoming too much again. I’m not sure there is a point anymore or where to go from here.