Just sh!t

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Dec 22, 2012.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Things seem to be coming to a head again for me. Perhaps it’s this “Holiday” time of year, perhaps it’s the realization that this is my life now or perhaps I'm reverting back to my past thoughts and plans because this is all just too difficult?

    Whatever the reason, I cannot continue as is. One answer then, logically, would be not to, but instead to change. And to change the things I am unhappy with. Well, unfortunately that list is too long to know where to choose a starting point. And I haven’t yet managed to figure out how to make someone alive again. When you are stuck in a maze and lost, it feels impossible that one will ever find a way out.

    It could be a simple suggestion- and one that I would give others – get out and meet people. Expand on the few people I’ve let into my life, IRL. Gosh, it sounds so easy. But it’s not and it’s definitely not for me. Sure, professionally, no worries – I’ll sell ice to Eskimos and utilize small talk (if I have to) until the cows come home. But, personally, that is not me. Not my essence. And it never was.

    Other advice that I would give others would be that this hurt will diminish in time, things will change, that time will heal. And yes, I had thought the pain was less severe and I was managing better.

    But the last short while I’ve come to really think about everything (what a great word “everything” is – it can mean so much and so little all at the same time). I do know I can’t simply quit because my soul mate has gone. Well, I can, I suppose. I know for me, objectively thinking about that very point seems so ridiculous and so stupid and a waste.

    I suppose it’s different when I’m in the middle of this thinking. It’s a culmination of many things, many losses and now being riddled with guilt, flashbacks and other mixed up feelings and thoughts.

    Is this just a dip in this bloody thing people call a journey or life? Maybe. I feel as though I’ve been dragged through a barbed wire fence, backwards, in the last few years. And tonight, I wish it was over. I wish I didn’t ache so much all over, I wish this sadness and the overwhelming feelings of loss and lonliness would disappear.

    I wish there was just one person in my life that I could call or meet and talk to. I wish there was one person who would just hold me without expecting anything in return. I miss so many that have gone.

    I realize so many here are suffering. It is the most difficult time of year for many of us here. And my complaints are minimal, relatively speaking. This makes me feel even posting this publically extremely selfish.

    Unfortunately, for me, minimal as they may seem (and logically, do seem even to me) they are emotionally becoming too much again. I’m not sure there is a point anymore or where to go from here.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your suffering is not minimal hun it is pain and sadness like as you said many of us I know this time is so hard hun but please hun hold on ok hugs to you hun
  3. Mozart

    Mozart Well-Known Member

    Your post is extremely lucid and honest, I was very impressed by it as it expressed better than I ever could write a situation many of us are in.
    So no easy comfort here,but please try to get ( minimal ) solace from the fact that you are really not alone.
    I always try to remind myself of the terribly difficult life some people I admire very much had to go through.
    One example is ( forgive me for saying this,but I am a classically trained professional musician ) good old Schubert.
    Isolated and alone,ill and suffering, ( he died at age 31 ) he still wrote some of he most mesmerising music ever. I know we aren't all geniuses here,
    but it shows that ,no matter how amazing one might be in one field, life can play its cruel tricks nevertheless.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wlxVTpEyMEw ( the outstanding pianist in this clip died recently at the age of 33.)
    So here is no real moral other than trying to fight's life obstacles and realising wherever one sits it will always be a bloody fight.
    Sorry if this is not too uplifting but it is an honest answer from my heart. Take care.
  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you both.

    Mozart... That music brought back many memories. Had to study it once for something. Which is good, it got me thinking about other things.

    About a week now of little rest. No naps for the last couple of days as trying to avoid this waking up in the night and not sleeping business but it's not working. I know it's not helping my feelings and thoughts at all. Just don't know what to do to help with that. My eyes and head hurt from the tears, I suppose it's good that they ar flowing, but....

    This is so bloody hard. I'm finding it really hard to see through this.

    Take care of yourselves, I'm in hiding mode as just feel hopeless atm. Sorry :(
  5. Mozart

    Mozart Well-Known Member

    You are right,it is hard....I find solace in music and literature. I know when one is really down then even that doesn't always work. But all this pain taught me a hell of a lot when listening to music ( eg http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zyw7bMYoqDI ) or reading. ( Just finished Dostojevsky's " Brothers Karamasov " ). It has sharpened my senses ,and I take that with a shipload of salt naturally, but at least I FEEL. I wish you all the strength in the world getting through this . Take care.
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