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Just sharing..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by johndoe, Dec 13, 2010.

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  1. johndoe

    johndoe Active Member

    I took the time to read some of the other posts before blabbering about my own problems.. and quite frankly, it's only furthered the ashamed feeling I have in the first place.

    I am young, and good-looking (apologies if that is conceited, but it's true). I have no problem with women. Except for the one I lost, of course. However, contrary to the belief of most people around me, this really isn't about her. Yes, I love her dearly (and her me - despite our fucked up situation. She's younger, and wants freedom).

    I've never really been a happy person. I was married at 18, divorced by 21. Always searching to fill the hole in my heart my father left there, after he came into my life after 9 years of absence, and disappeared shortly thereafter. I guess the impact that has on a 9 year old boy is quite substantial. My coping mechanism has always been to drown myself in a relationship.

    He contacted me a year and some change ago, wanting to be a part of my life. I, of course, shot him down. However, the empty feeling came, along with my mother's diagnosis of breast cancer. A bout of depression was triggered, and probably lead to the downfall of my relationship (before you judge, please note: she stayed with me, and was more than supportive long before breaking up with me. Only recently had my attitude become unbearable.)

    So here we are, today. I wanted to be a rescue swimmer, a la The Guardian, if you've seen it. My swimming career was cut short due to back and shoulder injuries. And what a shame - how close I was to olympic trial cuts. I wanted to do something good with my talent. The Coast Guard shut me down today. The reason why really doesn't matter - the fact that I have psoriasis, minor as it is, disqualifies me anyway.

    I'm lost. My life has always been a mess, but this was my saving grace. And now it's gone. I don't want to drag on with the "my life isn't worth living, etc" but that is, most certainly, exactly how I feel. Will I commit suicide? Who knows? I sure as hell don't. I'm probably too much of a punk in the first place.

    I apologize, and thank you, for allowing me to waste your time.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    some therapy or medical treatment for the depression might help

    you might want to try being in family therapy with your dad. i know that he caused a lot of harm, but maybe being able to communicate to him how much he hurt you can help you heal yourself.

    maybe it would make your mom feel better?

    what is her condition now?

    oh, I recommend acupuncture and chinese medicine a lot. might help your mom

    I bet something like qi gong could be good for you
  3. johndoe

    johndoe Active Member

    My father lives about 9 hours away, last we spoke, so I believe any sort of therapy is out of the question.

    Mom has been remarried for atleast 18 years now. She's made a full recovery from the cancer after a double masectomy, thank you for asking.
  4. Serbian

    Serbian Active Member

    John, we seem to have a similar problem. It's not about women, it's not about being ugly, short, disfigured or anything else. It's just random shit that's thrown at us, which makes as a little crazy. My only hope for both of us, is that it will be temporary. Eitherway, good luck.
  5. johndoe

    johndoe Active Member

    My name is actually Jon, I somehow thought the moniker johndoe was fitting when I signed up.

    I've hoped and prayed it would be temporary, Serbian. I had an episode last year where I told my loved ones I was going to drive my car into the lake - I was with my girlfriend at the time, even.

    I fear that with no real external reason besides life sometimes kicking my ass around, that there is something desperately wrong with me. I fit the bill, obviously, for severe depression, and being bipolar as well.

    I would like to hear your story, as well, if you're willing to share. Sometimes people in the same circumstances can help one another. Whether you post it here, or PM, I'll be happy to listen.
  6. Serbian

    Serbian Active Member

    Funny how short, and yet very complicated human lives are. Or is it just us who make it complicated by over thinking each situation we're in? Sometimes I think if my head was empty I wouldn't be in all this. Who knows?

    My story is posted just a few topics below yours.
  7. johndoe

    johndoe Active Member

    They say that ignorance is bliss, and knowledge is power. Sometimes being smarter than the average bear is a boon I do not wish to carry any longer. How easy it would be.. to just be less, and be happy with it. I can most certainly relate to wishing my head was empty.

    I read your story, friend. I was able to pick up on the vibes you were dropping, yet the reasons seem obscure. Perhaps on purpose, or perhaps as you said, you really just don't know where they're coming from.
  8. Serbian

    Serbian Active Member

    I haven't got a clue. I don't feel lonely, unloved, ugly, stupid, insecure or anything; and yet my brain is playing with me. Which must mean I am crazy in some way.

    Imagine being simple to the point you were unaware of your flaws, living a simple life without care. Perhaps 'those' people have it much better than the rest of us.
  9. johndoe

    johndoe Active Member

    It's quite weird, is it not? I have a loving family, and two best friends who are like brothers. Men who would lie down and die for me without being asked (I the same for them, of course). It would seem that the only logical explanation for feeling this way is as you say, I must be crazy in some way.

    I just feel inadequate.

    It would seem being simple like that would be preferable. I sometimes find myself wishing
    I could get up and go south, buy a pick-up truck, work outside somewhere, and just let life be what it is.
  10. Serbian

    Serbian Active Member

    My dream is to do the same. Move somewhere totally remote, live in some sort of a cottage, maintain a small farm, get a dog, go fishing; already got a truck so at least one thing is covered. That would be very relaxing I bet. Maybe we're just not cut out for the city life?

    Do you know what I do? I hold a gun to my head and take pictures of it, just because I'd like to see myself with the eyes of the loved ones had they known how idiotic I've become.
  11. johndoe

    johndoe Active Member

    Two sides of a coin here, much? Except I've already got the dog, and not the truck. I can't help but feel it calling to me, something much simpler than I've become entangled in. I would think it'd be the most relaxing thing in the world. Work a menial labor job for a decent days pay, go home before sunset, open a beer, grab the pooch and sit by the lake, and fish. Even my complicated noggin cannot see how there is not a great amount of beauty, and satisfaction in something like that.

    I've never done what you spoke of, but when I feel down and trapped and the tears come, I find myself looking in a mirror for that exact reason. To see how I would look to others in my pathetic little state. If I owned a gun, I fear I would have already taken that final step. Kudos to you, friend.
  12. Serbian

    Serbian Active Member

    I only hope that, say in 5 years, both of us will forget about this situation all together.

    Believe, not letting the hammer fly is harder than cocking a gun to your head. Why must I be such a total imbecile? Can't I turn negative into positive and call it quits? Instead I whine like some pathetic bitch...unsure of what the f.. is wrong with me....

    Little place, by a river or a lake, with a nice dog, lots of beer, and lots of free time that's all I'd need. Peace and quiet, maybe then I could figure out my situation, or maybe it wouldn't even bother me anymore.
  13. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hey jon have you been diagnosed as being bipolar? i have, and getting on the right meds has made a huge difference with my suicidal feelings. if you are bipolar the first step is seeing a doctor. you can feel better. the feeling suicidal stuff is the disease speaking, don't listen to it.
  14. johndoe

    johndoe Active Member

    I suppose you are right, pushing forward is harder than just letting go. But it's so hard when it feels like you're just treading water, instead of getting close to the wall.

    There's so much indecision in life. What to be, who to be, where to go and what to do when you get there..

    You may see it as whining, but your conversation with me, is helping. Even if we haven't come to a substantial conclusion, or discovered life's great mysteries. The fact that there is someone else out there, in much the similar situation, is soothing in a slight manner.

    Things pass, and time heals all wounds - or so they say. But I'm left wondering what happens if there's no specific wound in the first place..

    I've never been good at doing for me. I base my life off of what I can do for someone else, generally that 'significant other'. Perhaps time alone, somewhere warm, with the conditions you spoke of, would help settle the waters a bit. For both of us.
  15. johndoe

    johndoe Active Member

    I have not. It's a self diagnosis, which at best, means little. I am uninsured at this point in time - although not because I am out of work. I work 4 jobs to substantiate my current lifestyle.

    Seeing a doctor, I know, would probably help very much. I just can't bring myself to do it. I know there are clinics available to help those in my financial situation. I feel as though to speak my feelings would make them concrete, and give them further root in my reality. I am, in a way, ashamed of them, because I can't find much reason there.

    Again, if bipolar, it's reason enough. Catch 22, much?

    Thanks, dazzle
  16. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i know it can be scary to talk to a doctor. when i first told my doctor i was feeling suicidal i couldn't look him in the eye. i just looked at the floor and mumbled it out. i was ready to flee his office. fortunately he took me seriously and was very warm and supportive. he referred me to the local mental health services and we took it from there. it was a real turning point for me.

    with the vantage point of a few years of being bipolar and using mental health services i look on mental health differently. i compare it to having a broken leg. would you refuse to treat a broken leg out of embarassment, stigma or shame? probably not. but we still have all these bad feelings around taking care of our mental health.

    there are plenty of good medications for bipolar, and they really do work. please keep an open mind. at the very least, don't hurt yourself. the reality is you have a very treatable mental illness.
  17. johndoe

    johndoe Active Member

    I completely see the validity of what you're saying, and I will most certainly take it into consideration.

    It's a giant step to take, moreso because I'd have to completely admit it to myself first.
  18. Serbian

    Serbian Active Member

    I feel ashamed to do that as well. My fears of doing it are same as yours. I made myself believe it would only make matters worse.

  19. johndoe

    johndoe Active Member

    Exactly. I can't shake the feeling it will only further the downward spiral. I don't necessarily want to go there..
  20. Serbian

    Serbian Active Member

    True, I never went to doctors for anything, and I especially won't go for this. Last thing I'd want is to be put in a puzzle factory and be looked upon like a caged monkey. If that should be my life, I might as well end it right here, right now.
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