I took the time to read some of the other posts before blabbering about my own problems.. and quite frankly, it's only furthered the ashamed feeling I have in the first place. I am young, and good-looking (apologies if that is conceited, but it's true). I have no problem with women. Except for the one I lost, of course. However, contrary to the belief of most people around me, this really isn't about her. Yes, I love her dearly (and her me - despite our fucked up situation. She's younger, and wants freedom). I've never really been a happy person. I was married at 18, divorced by 21. Always searching to fill the hole in my heart my father left there, after he came into my life after 9 years of absence, and disappeared shortly thereafter. I guess the impact that has on a 9 year old boy is quite substantial. My coping mechanism has always been to drown myself in a relationship. He contacted me a year and some change ago, wanting to be a part of my life. I, of course, shot him down. However, the empty feeling came, along with my mother's diagnosis of breast cancer. A bout of depression was triggered, and probably lead to the downfall of my relationship (before you judge, please note: she stayed with me, and was more than supportive long before breaking up with me. Only recently had my attitude become unbearable.) So here we are, today. I wanted to be a rescue swimmer, a la The Guardian, if you've seen it. My swimming career was cut short due to back and shoulder injuries. And what a shame - how close I was to olympic trial cuts. I wanted to do something good with my talent. The Coast Guard shut me down today. The reason why really doesn't matter - the fact that I have psoriasis, minor as it is, disqualifies me anyway. I'm lost. My life has always been a mess, but this was my saving grace. And now it's gone. I don't want to drag on with the "my life isn't worth living, etc" but that is, most certainly, exactly how I feel. Will I commit suicide? Who knows? I sure as hell don't. I'm probably too much of a punk in the first place. I apologize, and thank you, for allowing me to waste your time.