Just signed on for more abuse...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Hazel Morse, Oct 20, 2015.

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  1. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    I made the greatest mistake of my life yesterday...signed on for another 6 months to the Worst Job at the Worst School in the Worst Country in the World. For nearly 6 years I've been trying to escape this abusive place (seriously the Worst - once they didn't pay me for 5 months, but that's another story).

    My therapist and I worked out a plan: negotiate a 6 month contract last year, and get a job in my own country (Australia - where the school year begins in January, so jobs go up in September - November) for 2016.It was essential that I get a job, since my family has pretty much disowned their little suicidal failure and I have no friends I can crash with.

    The problem is, I couldn't send out my resume in September, like the piece of shit coward I am. The reason? This year the new heads of the middle and upper schools decided that they had to put me in my place (I suspect I give off "I'm a submissive piece of shit, please abuse me" vibes), began giving me the same shit my mother and stepfather always did. Eventually I broke down and confessed about the privately negotiated contract - just like I always did with my parents. The shit hit the fan and I was branded this monster who was given an unfair advantage.That was it: my psyche had to roll over for an abuser - I couldn't bring myself to send out my resume for the past 3 months, even though my chances of landing a job in Australia was the strongest it's been in years.

    So, being the submissive piece of shit that I am, I've lost my opportunity to better myself forever. The heads will continue to shit on me and will never give me a reference, I've ruined my chances at life, just like my mother told me I would.

    I'm going to die here, I know it. I'm just so afraid to lose this shitty job, because it's the only thing I've got. I have to go in to work every day now, because if I stay in the apartment while sober I will kill myself.
  2. Marga

    Marga Active Member

    Hazel, I sympathize with you. I am actually going through exactly the same. I am working in a place where a colleague has been trying to bully me. In august I learned about a good job opportunity in my country. From a colleague. But I was so hesitant that i couldnt get myself take any decisive steps and i think ive already lost the oppprtunity. However, the bully heard about it and has now intensified her pressure on me, other people in the department have started joining her. It's scary. I think i lost the opportuniy for escape and moreover gave further ammunition to the bully to use agsinst me. It's like a copy of your story . It' s a terrible situation, isnt it. Im so scared. I know exactly what you feel. I dont know whether it helps that you are not alone in your suffering, maybe. I sometimes wonder - why people who suffer likethis never find each other in real life and form some sort of alliance. Because allies/friends is what you need most in these life battles, isnt it.
  3. gemita

    gemita New Member

    Listen, why do you treat yourself so badly. why do you regard yourself as "shit"? other are already abusing/bullying you. Dont this to yourself.

    The only option is to quit that job. You are lucky as there is plenty of jobs in schools. I dont think it will be difficult for you to get one.

    My suggestions is, if you dont feel brave enough to send out resumes, get a good/close friend who send them out for you.

    Another thing is you should get some help to deal with the issues of self loathe. First you have to gain confidence in yourself. You are brave enough as you are living in other country already. You are NOT a piece of shit, this is only what your belief.

    Dont be afraid of losing this job. There are lots out there for you. You should just apply for them. You are clinging to a job/place that is dragging you to suicide. You have to break the pattern. If you can not do for yourself, please turn to others, people you can trust to push you out of this situation.

    This shitty job is NOT the only thing you got. Its the ONLY thing you are clinging to.
    2 people like this.
  4. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Thank you, I wish I could believe this. Unfortunately, I have no friends (mean that literally, not as some adolescent hyperbole) nor family to help me. If I failed to get a job I'm SOL. I've stayed for nearly 7 years for this reason - if I'm not working, I'm nothing.

    Also unfortunately, I'm Australian so if I went back to teaching all the jobs are for January 2016. So I've massively stuffed up my chances of getting work (because it would be mid-school year) if I return in June 2016. Got about enough in my bank account to live for around 3 to 4 months and then I'd have to apply for the dole, which despite being better than welfare in the US is definitely not enough to live on.
  5. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    That sounds exactly like me - thank you for your reply...at least I know this isn't just me. Yes, I think if I ever got back and got work I would set aside a room for Someone With No One and let them crash there while looking for work. If we had someone like this it would be easy to leave our workplaces... if I knew I had one person to fall back on I would go for it.
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