Tonight Is brutal just like every night. Just got home. Worked all night last night. So utterly despaired today. Just existing was painful today. Don't want to talk to anyone or see anyone. Just want to be completely alone. I can feel my body recoil when I Make eye contact with another person. I try to smile but inside I am crying and trying to keep it together. When I can isolate myself, I just feel sluggish and extremely tired - like I can't move and I just sit there without doing anything except thinking about trying to move. Eventually everyone in my life fades into the background and I feel slightly better but nothing has any meaning anymore. I think about death and I'm not afraid because there is nothing to look forward to and I am just so tired. Death is an escape from everything around me and the bleak future ahead of me.